No NTA. This seems more like a humiliation thing like he’s too eager to embarass her in this shameful way which isn’t acceptable. Causing her trauma is also not an effective way to teach this lesson imo these punishments reek of some sick need the parent has (whether they realize it or not) to dominate and or humiliate a child.

Someone else suggested having her volunteer at a homeless shelter which is an excellent idea, and I also believe having her potentially donate some of her nicer clothing items to a women’s shelter etc may also be good options. Lastly I’d recommend having her write an essay or something about poverty and the effects it has on people. Maybe about bullying too.

Ultimately the girl she said it to isn’t even very poor like you said (which I get isn’t the point) but it seems your daughter was just trying to respond to some genuine bullying from her peer and should be treated as such. It’s important to keep sight of the fact that your daughter panicked and made a bad choice in how to respond to a bully. She doesn’t deserve humiliation. Everyone deserves basic hygiene. I’d leave my husband over this too tbh

Your husband’s plan seems like a great way to get a mandatory reporter (like a teacher) to report possible child abuse/neglect…he’s TA.

Your response may have been extreme if he’s normally good at all this but just got a bad idea. If he has a tendency to humiliate/belittle, or if there was extensive discussion prior to your response (or if it was partially joking because you didn’t think he was actually serious), then it seems like a perfectly appropriate position to take.

What does bio mom think?

He has the right idea but the wrong execution. Being poor doesn’t mean bad hygiene so he should not do the “No shower, no deodorant, no brushing of teeth”. Being poor doesn’t automatically equate with no shower.

However, he has a great idea of punshment should match the crime and he and you should do the second hand clothes, no video games/pads/cell phones/tv etc and maybe have her bring a lunch from home with ramen or low cost foods for lunch. ,Her punishment should also be 3 weeks,

I think you both are being the AH. Yes dad is being an asshole for what he wants the punishment to be, but you giving an extreme ultimatum is an equally shitty thing to do.

Maybe, just maybe sit down like an adult and have a conversation with him. When you do this you need to remember it’s not your daughter, it’s your step daughter (regardless of what your relationship is with her) and how you would react and feel about him giving you an equally extreme ultimatum.

Being poor doesn’t automatically equal lack of hygiene, and using that as a punishment is diabolical af for a myriad of reasons, instead of humiliating his kid, why not have her volunteer some of her time helping the people she’s mocked? That would be a much more useful and valuable form of “punishment” – I’d say his method is borderline child abuse and something that a “poor” family would have CPS called on them for. Not only is your husband TA, but he’s a big 🚩too

Honestly, this sounds like an incredibly toxic situation. The idea of punishing a child by forcing them to go to school in poor hygiene is just wrong on so many levels. It’s one thing to discipline a child, but this crosses a line into humiliation and cruelty. You’re right to stand firm and say you’ll divorce him if he goes through with this. No child should ever be treated that way, and if your husband can’t see that, then you might be better off without him.

If this is a one time event that has not happened before, I wouldn’t punish her at all. I would discuss it with her and if her mom is a lesbian, that may have struck a chord with her. The other girl started it and may be a bully who needed the punishment. Idk – I just think she responded to a hateful comment – and you said they aren’t poor, so it wasn’t even a true statement, just something she said in anger.

Your husband is ignorant AF. Even as I lived out of my jeep homeless for a summer I managed to shower, wash my clothes, have deodorant and tbh be more presentable than a lot of the men at my minimum wage job.

Have her volunteer. Or just be grounded for 3 weeks too. I don’t see how this punishes the crime; is the other family making the other girl be forced to be gay? Your husband is going over the top

Nta My goodness this would make me question everything. Hes not talking about punishing his child, hes talking about abusing her. You married a very cruel man. Nta. I would not allow him to carry out the punishment if I were you, if he tries you need to step in and make sure shes got deodorant, hair brush, clean clothes to go to school. 

What does her mother thing of his idea? 

NTA – but you need to inform your stepdaughter’s mother what he intends to do so that she can stop him. Your husband’s plan is to let his daughter be humiliated and bullied? What both the girls did is wrong and they need to have appropriate consequences for their actions but what he is thinking is a consequence is actually abuse.

Wow. I’ve seen a lot of insane abusive punishments from people over the years. Two extended families full of crazy I could write novels on. But that’s new for me.

NTA. Your husband’s punishment is abusive and not at all the same as 3 weeks of grounding. That’s a huge red flag he just waved.

I would have her volunteer at a food pantry or homeless shelter. Show her how lucky she is. The poor hygiene things is just weird. While the other girl isn’t wealthy I bet she still showers and brushes her teeth… What is this punishment going to accomplish?

I’m probably going to get downvoted here…. But the other girl mocked your step daughter because her mother is a lesbian? Sounds to me like she was struggling for a payback comment?
I wouldn’t talk to her but probably not punish her.

Your husband is stereotyping poor people as smelly?

I grew up poor yet we still managed to take showers and brush our teeth. I know so crazy.

Your husband sounds like a judgmental twat who doesn’t even know what being poor is.

Uhhh…your husband is way off base. Offensively so. Poor ≠ poor hygiene. He should really explore his own internal biases.

Regardless, NTA. Humiliation is NEVER a developmentally appropriate discipline technique.

I feel like a conversation about poverty and making her volunteer at a shelter would be a fair punishment so she can see just how difficult it can be and that it’s not always a thing you can suddenly change

This would be a dealbreaker for me. I see this as abuse. There’s discipline and there’s punishment. Saying you’d divorce is a little over the top, but he absolutely should not do this to his daughter

Poor people have poor Hygiene?

I grew up poor. Guess what? We brushed our teeth, had baths, used deodorant, and wore clean clothes. We also had a roof over our heads.

NTA — but your husband is.

NTA. That’s not a fitting punishment, that’s a form of humiliation. Also, poverty does not equal unclean/unhygienic. Your husband is not only an asshole, he’s a prejudiced asshole. 

NTA. His plan is abuse. Grounding is appropriate as would having her help at a soup kitchen or other charity so she could see how poor people live and how they are human too.

Sure, go ahead and do that if you’re fine with your daughter hating you. Not the teenager hate, I mean real hate, the kind that will fuck her up for the rest of her life. 

Since when does being poor mean you have to have bad hygiene? I’m poor and I still shower and have clean clothes. This just seems discriminatory and ignorant. Yuck NTA

NTA. Not even a little bit. In your shoes, I’d be thinking of divorcing him anyway, except that it would leave his daughter in his care without an ally.

And now, you know why she’s been a near perfect child.
She’s afraid of him.
And he’s gotten comfortable enough around you to show his true colors. 

It always scares me when I meet a parent who gets off on punishment. They’re on a power trip. They shouldn’t have custody. Shit is not healthy.

You could have her save her allowance for 3 weeks (or more) and then figure out where ( she should be part of this – what cause) to donate to.

That’s humiliation. Shit like that gets kids taken away from their parents. Does he want to get CPS called on him?

Humiliation is not punishment, it’s cruelty. Thank you for defending your stepdaughter from that.
You are NTA.

NTA. The punishment does not fit the crime at all.
Being grounded, the same as the other girl would be enough.

A better fitting idea is to see how that girl lives. To do community work in areas where there is less wealth.

Poor people do wash, people who live in shelters shower. People who live in cars shower at the gym

NTA. And he clearly hasn’t known poor people. Poor doesn’t mean bad hygiene or dirty clothes.

This account is about as old as this post. I’m going to assume this didn’t happen.

Why not make her volunteer at a shelter/food bank. Dad is being an asshole 

The punishment does not fit the “crime” and is highly inappropriate.

NTA – Thats abuse. Your husband’s punishment is abusive.