There is a part of me that wants to just be like… welcome to what being a mother for most looks like…

I think yall need to have a larger conversation, one that doesn’t feel accusatory – “you are leaving me again with the kids etc..” – but instead “I’m feeling alone in this relationship right now, can we talk about it”

In your conversations also, I would say ask more questions than provide answers or commentary, so you can understand her thought process more and have the opportunity to then think about her needs and how you can come up with a plan. And use I feel statements rather than “you do xyz”.

Last thing I’ll say is, parenting is hard. “I’m really bad at finding things to do with kids”…. Bud, try harder. You found this forum, there has got to be one for parenting and summer ideas. Having multiple kids to look after is harder, but parents, especially mothers have been doing it since the dawn of time. Try harder. Be better. Research, maybe find a dad community in town etc…

ESH.

The underlying issue seems to be that you can’t handle watching your kids without help, that is a you problem so start by addressing this.

Your children from a previous relationship are not her responsibility that is solely yours to deal with their care, that said she is now a mom to her own child so she must adapt to the changes in lifestyle that come with the territory.

You do not mention what her hobby is but can you join her to spend quality time together or offer to go on family trips together as a compromise.

While it’s ok to have some time to yourself I don’t think every weekend or week long trips away are ok with a young infant that needs their mother’s care, if she can’t see that then you have a bigger problem than you think.

NTA slight NAH

This does suck for you. You underestimated how committed she is to her lifestyle. You had a child with a woman always on to go…and surprise, she is still on the go.

If you don’t want to always take care of the child, then yes, rely on grandma within reason. Beyond that, you are not compatible with her. Sucks that there is a kid now, but you did know what she was. And she is not the type to stay at home.

I feel for the kid a bit. But then I don’t know how she is with the kid when she is at home. If she is attentive when she is at home, the issue then is her leaving at the drop of a hat becaue of the burden it puts on you. But you will never get her homebound, she dosn’t want to be.And I am sorta shocked she had a kid at all.

First – having kids does NOT mean you have to end your life, hobbies, etc.

Second – you have 2 older kids. Knowing what you know about kids, if you were so ‘concerned’ with how much time her hobbies take you did not need to *marry* her let alone *impregnate* her.

Third – the fact that you are this big of a jealous, controlling person yet still find it ‘in your heart’ to pretend that this is ‘all for the good of a child’ is stunning. You want attention, someone to take care of the kids and someone who listens to you. You’re a bore. You are controlling and jealous. Instead of obsessing over what she isn’t doing, get a life of your own.

First of all, you just backward offended all the single mothers/fathers out there who take care of three (or more) children alone 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. Second, having children does change your life, for the better. But the parent is still an individual with a life and, unless it was dangerous/harmful to themselves or would be to the children, shouldn’t be expected to give up that life once they have kids. Adjust it, but dont abandon it.. Do ya’ll have issues? Yep. Sounds like you both need to sit down with a good therapist and really talk. Maybe individual therapy, too. And for all you who jump to “DIVORCE!!”, grow up.

I mean you expect her to be solo with your child so you can focus more on your own children every other weekend, ans then you complain she is not available to plan fun holiday activities for again only your children. You seem to think she is taking advantage of you. But now you do not even have to care for the youngest because she asked her mum. So what is the problem? It seems it may be you resent the type of life she leads and is looking for something more say joint with less solo adventures. I hope you can have this conversation with your wife 

I get headache from reading comments. Op, you know your mistake own it; you should have clarify it all instead your wife having to clarify to us how things are and having to defend you. Having hobbies is ABSOLUTELY okay (doesn’t matter if they coast or not).

Your wife is a mother and she has right to continue living instead of being locked at home. She has right going on trips with her friends. She needs time as well.

It’s not like she doesn’t take care of stepchildren and your child. Just give her some slack.

Sounds to me like she’s treating parenting like most dads have until recently. I love seeing dad’s become more involved. We still have a long way to go before American society shifts to equal parenting responsibilities. It wasn’t so long ago that dad’s would take golfing, fishing, hunting, sports, etc. trips every weekend. When women finally had financial autonomy, they started leaving because if they had to put in all the parenting labor, they were better off doing it alone. Which is where you’re at.

I feel like lifestyle expectations should’ve been discussed before you ever got married. You should’ve married someone who would be at home or understood that if she was to be a mother, she would need to be at home. She should’ve understood it’s best not to be married to a person who is holding down a family and needs a partner’s support in that respect.

I vote ESH to yourselves because you are incompatible as marriage mates and this was likely ignored while dating.

YT/ she wants to take a trip and she’s found childcare for that trip with her mom, so it takes the burden off of you and it’s free childcare.

It sounds to me like you want her to take care of your children from a previous relationship.

You said the main problem is that you don’t like to take care of your older children and taking care of the youngest alone because it’s too much work even though you have a babysitter helping you at the same time.

NTA. Her behavior is not acceptable. She claimed to be on board to changing her lifestyle appropriately for a baby and toddler, and yet she hasn’t done it. She’s dumping too much on you. But saying you’re not good at finding things to do with kids is a copout. Talk to somebody who’s good at it and learn from them or buy a book or two. Even though you’re bearing a heavy childcare load, that statement verges on weaponized incompetence.

This is literally just how my dad was throughout my childhood. He was always away at times during the various hunting seasons, or going racing with his bros. The only reason it sounds unusual right now is because it’s a woman leaving the child with their father.

So like. Talk to her, communicate, redraw some boundaries. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that this is what childcare has been like for women for a long time.

Does your wife have a full time job in addition to caring for the baby and sharing care for your two kids? – she may need a break every once in a while, 2 or 3 days is not unreasonable. Week long excursions and 3am drives to the airport are not. Who is paying for all this? The two of you need to sit down and talk it out – if she is not willing to be there to raise her own child then it may be time to rethink thee relationship

I scanned, maybe I missed in comments. I think the nature of the hobby is super pertinent here.
Is she digging up crystals and healing hedgehogs or is she volunteering and her hobby is super time consuming but the world is benefitting, like, I don’t know rescuing women out of abusive relationships.

Even with agreeing to cut down, the hobby makes a difference in good vs bad advice.

NTA – You can try to make her see your point of view, which is her leaving you to take care of your child for extended periods while she has fun, leaving you with all the responsibility and if she refuses to see it then you’ll have to leave her. When you decide to have a child they become your priority if she has different priorities she shouldn’t have had a child

Am I the only one who highly doubts these are even OP’s kids? Why is your wife always going on private vacations without her husband…. Why is he not allowed to attend cough cough

If my wife only went on private vacations without me I know I would start investigating instead of coming to reddit. Reddit’s Moto is inverse Reddit just a reminder as well

It’s time to stop letting this woman use you as a doormat! She wanted a child knew that it would have huge responsibilities, had it. Anyway, now it’s time for her to face her own music. Maybe she would like to be divorced and pay you child support? You deserve a woman who’s going to be there with you and with the kids.

For everyone else, people do not change because you got married or had a child. Who they were BEFORE those things is who they will be after. Make your choices accordingly. 

For OP I am really sorry I don’t know what to tell you because I don’t think she’ll change. 

INFO: Aprox how much do each of you care for the baby solo? Are you both working, and split the baby care 50/50?

And when you are taking care of the baby together, are you actually, or is one person doing the actual caretaking and the other one just hanging out?

Okay all you fine Reddit folks. Question.

What if the spouse in question was a guy who liked to go hunting with his buddies, football games on weekends?

Happens all the time. Nobody says boo. As long as the wife is the one left sitting at home.

MORE INFO NEEDED. How often are these trips. Within the last 6 months how often has she gone, for how many days. Out of the last 4 weeks how often has she gone away?

Your tone makes me have a lot of questions.

ESH

Her behaviour is egregious, but you are fostering it. Grown men with three children shouldn’t allow themselves to be “guilted” into tolerating clearly unacceptable behaviour.

Fix it or exit.

Therapy for both of you. NTA, but its ironic, because this same thing has happened to women since time immemorial, and they’ve just been told to get over it. You deserve better.

NTA you are a single father of 3.

I’d be out of the house when the two orders aren’t there, but more than likely she’ll drop the kid off at her mom’s and continue her neglect.

In what world did it make sense to have a child with this woman when obviously you two are about as far from in-synched about your life as possible?

Maybe book a ticket away for yourself for a week when you don’t have your older children. It’s your turn and it’s time for the tables to turn.

It’s possible the “hobby-related” trip is something the wife considers work related and OP does not take his wife’s career seriously.

WTF did I just read? Your wife is way out of line and you, sir, are a doormat.

therapy or divorce. You pick.

Why are you with somebody who doesn’t view you as a partner but seems to view you as a convenience? NTA.

Why did she bother having a child, she sounds like an awful mother!

Nta. Book a week long trip and have her actually be a parent.

Hold on what are her hobbies and are they actually her job?

With so many trips….consider a DNA test on both kids ngl.

What is hobby related trips? What are these hobbies?

Your wife is being neglectful. She needs therapy.

Tell her that you both need marriage counseling.

NTA. She doesn’t want to be a wife or mother.

Haha she’s just being a dad, not a mum.

I hope this is hobbies and not MLM