This is a hard one. I think I would let your husband have his way. I thinking how you know someone named Julie and then you meet another Julie and each have their own identity. I know grief is complex and some seem buried in their grief. I also know time lessens all of this and if anything you will show your daughter you honored your husbands past. I would tell her, her dad named after that person hoping she will have all her good traits and then it turned out she had both the deceased and yours too. Make it a win win, instead of a division. It seems you already do this. I understand your point but don’t make it a hill to die on. Hopefully it’s a common name as well.

First names are a Two-Yes requirement. If you dont like a name, no matter the reason, it’s a no. But to add insult to injury, here you are forced into naming your child after another woman you never knew and everyone liked.

You’re the one birthing her, it’s disrespectful to call her Ex’s name to thank you. It’s even creepy, like you’re some surrogate. And even for your daughter it’s super creepy to be named after your father’s first love, a woman you never knew. There’s no need to keep her “memory” alive, it is, but as much as it needs to be : a quiet and calm mourning which you can think about with internal peace

NTA.

Just to clarify a few things:

I’ve never had an issue with his late wife, I’ve always respected their history. I’m not trying to erase her, but this is my first baby, and I want her to feel like she’s our beginning, not someone else’s tribute. I just want her to have a name that reflects the life we’re building now, not the one he lost

I get that grief is complicated, and I know this has reopened some things for him. I’m trying to be sensitive, but I don’t think that means I should disappear in the process

Thanks for all the responses so far, even the tough ones..

NTA. Also it’s really damaging and overstepping for his family to be getting so involved in a discussion which quite frankly should just be your decision with your husband. He should be setting the boundary with them that they shouldn’t be involved.

You’re not being unfair – and the fact that they’re ganging up on you like this – WHILE you’re busy creating life?! Nah. I’d put my foot down. Tackle this with your husband in therapy and get him to tell his family to stand down.

If this is true, ABSOLUTELY NTA. The fact that he even suggested it is hurtful & quite honestly disrespectful. This is not the hill you would die on. It would be his hill to die on. Don’t listen to anyone who doesn’t have your back 100%. You haven’t done anything wrong. If he wants to be like that, just name her yourself. I honestly wouldn’t be comfortable with that either. I don’t think anyone would be.

What the actual fuck?

If husband had no children with the dead spouse, why do her photos litter your house? Are your ex lovers photos all over the house? Because she died, you’re supposed to name your kid after her?

Absolutely not, and I’d be more worried that my husband doesn’t put me, or our child, first but he does put his dead first wife first.

I feel that it’s quite manipulative of him to involve his family and get them to pressurise you. It may not be conscious on his part but it doesn’t make it right.

Also not nice for the child to almost be living in the shadow of his dead wife. I also feel he’s not over her which could bring problems for your relationship. NAH . He’s in the wrong.

Not only is it a ridiculous request from your husband, but after you said no he went to his MOMMY! I’m sorry, you made a big mistake. I don’t care what disagreement a couple has, you don’t run to mommy and complain. He’s just being manipulative at this point. Don’t back down!

Who the hell are these people who are trying to guilt you into naming your baby after someone who isn’t even there? Who do they think you are? A surrogate??? Fuck no, that’s your baby. That’s your daughter. You can name her whatever you want, Hun.

NTA.

Seems like we get this post at twice a month. Sometimes, it’s a husband or boyfriend wanting to name their daughter after a deceased wife/girlfriend. Other times, it’s a woman wanting to name their son after a dead husband or ex. I’m calling bullshit.

It sounds like you have explained yourself respectfully, honestly and graciously. It’s bad of him to get his family to put pressure on you, and well done for sticking to your guns. As you say, a new name for a new person shouldn’t be hard to grasp!

I suggest you find a family therapist to work this through with, with your husband. A child deserves their own name, not the name of his deceased previous wife. And you deserve respect and value in your own right. And I say all this as a widow.

Yta, doesn’t sound any compromises can be made. How bout if 2nd child was born to name it after ex? Is it “our” home or his and you moved in bc it’s hard to believe you would’ve just let him add photos to a new bought home together.

And once again, the “Don’t date widows” (widower, whatever) rule has proven to be a good one

You will always be second to the dead woman he wishes he was still with, good luck with the marriage, you’ll need it lmao

This can’t be real. I’m sorry, but WTF. Considering this is possibly real which I doubt, they don’t even have kids together, it’s just a past marriage and he wants to name your child after her?? Bro what the f lol

The biggest problem here is that your husband is using tactics to try and wear you down and make you change your decision, including, but not limited to, involving his family so that they can bully you into it.

NTA. There’s nothing wrong in wanting a say in your child’s name and not wanting her to live in someone else’s shadow. You’ve shown so much respect already. Wanting this for your child is totally fair.

No you are not. Stand strong. Your daughter needs to be loved by her Dad for being her, not the woman he loved before you. It would not be healthy for your relationship.

NTA. This is creepy and misguided. And imagine your daughter having to explain she was named after her dad’s first wife. NO. Just, no.

This IS the hill you want to die on and your husband is the AH for asking and for involving his family in the conversation.

NTA

It’s been 8 years.

He’s not moving on.

The choice here is if you are going to.

A person in love does not see reason.

Tell your husband and his family that you’re going to name her after an old boyfriend of yours who passed away.

🙄

No, and a MIL has no say in the matter either. Naming a kid is a mutual agreement between the two parents only

Nta it’s weird he thought it appropriate to ask and he is the ah for getting his flying monkeys involved.

NTA – DIE ON THIS HILL!!!! Husband and his family are nutz to think that this is in anyway OK.

I wouldn’t even want to make it her middle name! It’s a weird ask in the first place!

NTA y’all need some serious marriage counseling. He needs some grief counseling too.

“Do you want to name our son after someone I’ve had sex with, too?”

Nta. Your husband is not over his ex-wife. He needs counseling.

I’m convinced that not a single thing on this sub is real

NTA Hugs and stay firm. This may be a dealbreaker.

NTA.

It’s a ridiculous request on his part.

NTA

For your daughters sake, don’t give in.

Take her pictures down. He needs to move on

WTAF??!!  NO.  NTA.

Is this real life? 

Could you use her name as a middle name?

There is zero truth to this lol