When the husband returned late from a long shift at 10:15 PM and asked OP to reheat his dinner, OP refused, citing their prior agreement. This refusal led to a verbal argument where the husband accused her of being manipulative and selfish. The situation escalated when the husband contacted his mother, who then heavily criticized OP via text messages for being petty and setting a bad example for their daughter. OP is now distressed, questioning whether she was wrong to enforce the agreed-upon boundary, and is seeking judgment on her actions.
I became a stay at home mom recently. It’s a decision that me and my husband agreed upon. However, I have set limits on how much I’m required to do and for how long, because I feel like even though I’m a wife and a mother, I’m still a woman who needs time and space to look after myself.
I can’t take care of my family when I can’t even take care of myself. So I told my husband that at 10pm I’m done with chores and that He shouldn’t expect me to do anything after that.
He was like yeah whatever you say.
Last night, he had to work a long shift and came home at 10:15. I was in the bathroom applying a face mask when he came and asked that I reheat his dinner. I said no, he asked why not, I told him to check his watch and he would know.
He paused then laughed and said I was being ridiculous. I said we had an agreement but he argued that I was acting manipulative and selfish. We started fighting verballing and then he ended up texting his mom telling her about what I’d done (or didn’t do for that matter).
She started texting me basically lecturing about how selfish and petty (about the 20:15 thing) and said I was setting a bad example for my daughter and teaching her to become self centered and selfish.
I decided I wasn’t gonna talk to her and my husband has refused to even stay at home and went to a friend’s house.
I feel horrible! Maybe I shouldn’t have done this to make a point but we had an agreement. Aitah?
Conclusion
OP is currently experiencing significant distress because enforcing a boundary she believed was mutually agreed upon resulted in an intense conflict with her husband, including his withdrawal and the involvement of his mother, who sided against her. The core conflict lies between OP’s need to maintain established personal limits necessary for her well-being and her husband’s apparent expectation that these limits are flexible when his needs arise, especially given his demanding work schedule.
The situation requires the reader to weigh the importance of clearly communicated personal boundaries versus the perceived demands of a partnership, particularly when one partner is fulfilling a primary caregiving role. The central question remains: Was OP correct to strictly adhere to the 10:00 PM cutoff time as a necessary boundary, or did the specific circumstances of her husband’s long workday warrant flexibility, thus making her stance rigid and unfair?
Here’s how people reacted:
What makes HIM the AH is the fact he’s throwing a complete tantrum and more so the fact he ran to his mum to complain. Talk about childish!! I would be furious with my husband if he took our relationship spats to his mother, especially something so small and petty. It would be a major red flag for me in a relationship.
As a single mom of 3, by 8:30 every evening I was alone in my space. Peace.
No demands.
It was easier and more peaceful to do it all myself.
As bad as my decisions regarding men were – they would never have even THOUGHT to ask me to heat a fucking plate for them. They had MORE PRIDE than that. They might expect me to pay for the food, and cook it, but they knew how to serve themselves.
My husband if 30 years will fight me to eat his dinner cold rather than I heat it up.
Your “man” thinks that you are nothing but his bang maid because you are at home.
I’d send him home to his mom. NOW.
And she’d NEVER talk to me again.
Blocked and deleted.
She can see the kids when daddy has them for his 50% custody time.
NTA
And now we know root cause issue. Tell him he can grow TF up and hit “reheat” on the microwave or move back home to nuzzle mommy’s titty for sustenance. You’re his wife, not the woman that fixes his ba-ba.
Personally, I would have heated my husband’s food if he’s just finished an exhausting shift. I did that for him when he was on a project working 14 hour days. But that’s because I’m married to an adult that appreciated it and not expect me to be his mother.
Tell his mother when you want her advice, you’ll talk to her directly. Right now, you’re trying to raise the man-baby she created.
However, he disrespected you, your time, your boundary, and your marriage. And got his mommy involved.
Honestly? Counseling. Communication. Sit down and have a serious discussion. Agreed to by all parties.
And if you actually like your husband, nuke the damn meal before you nuke your marriage.
As for your MIL. Maybe she needs a time out from your daughter. She gets no say in how you and your husbands child is raised
Please reevaluate how you guys came to the conclusion of you becoming a SAHM. And remember a SAHM is not a Trade Wife
After you truly look at the conversation, reasons, and pros and cons of being a SAHM, you may want to go back to work and start an exit plan, cause your mamas boy probably will only get worse.
Him, because he got his mother involved. She needed to stay out of it. However, you were so busy protecting your boundary, you were inflexible and unkind.
NTA
I would say YTA, but your husband was the cuck that allowed this onto himself
NTA
He is a big boy. He can reheat his dinner. In fact, he can cook himself something or make a sandwich if you didn’t make dinner. And if he starts saying that he provides for you, tell him not to manipulate you with his salary and that you work by watching your kids every minute that he’s not home.
NTA
You did the shopping and made dinner. All he had to do was reheat and eat, but that was too much for him to handle? Sounds like he wasn’t actually hungry.
Calling his mommy is an extra layer of pathetic.
Why does you being a sahm mean your husband can’t reheat his own dinner?
Does he always run to mummy?
nah girl, he wasn’t…