However, the OP admits that he and his wife still struggle to use the preferred name and pronouns at home, explaining that changing 17 years of habit takes time. When the child confronted the OP about this inconsistency, the child expressed frustration, leading to the OP feeling unheard and defensive, resulting in the child giving him the silent treatment. The core dilemma is how much time the parents deserve to adjust their language versus the child’s expectation for immediate, consistent recognition.
I (58 M) have a child (FtM 17) who is transgender. My child uses he/him pronouns at school and around friends and also goes by a preferred name at school. My wife and I signed off on anything related to school, and refer to my child with the preferred name and pronouns around teachers and friends.
We are also in the process of hiring a college counselor, and introduce my child with the preferred name and pronouns to said counselor since that’s what will be going on the college application.
Last night, my child asked me to talk about why I or my wife haven’t used the preferred name and pronouns at home, despite it being five years since my child came out.
My child seemed laid back and steady the entire conversation, but also seemed to be frustrated throughout parts, particularly at my answers. The truth is, as I told my child, I need a little more time.
I’ve called my child one thing for 17 years, it’s not easy to just switch at the press of a button. My child also pointed out that some friends who are transgender have much more flexible parents when it comes to all this, but I feel like my wife and I have been doing a good job.
We got stuff set up with the school, we refer to my child in the preferred way around friends, I don’t understand why my child is upset. I haven’t used their legal name in years, but apparently that’s not enough?
In my defense, my child has never formally asked me or my wife to use the preferred name or pronouns at home.
I asked my child about this, and the response was that “it’s not something I should have to ask you, it’s something you just do”. I feel like my feelings aren’t being considered here, it’s not an easy change.
I told my child that I was sorry things weren’t moving as fast as my child might like, but that I need time to process. We ended the conversation there, on what I thought was a positive note, but my child has been giving me the silent treatment since they woke up this morning.
I’ve told my wife that we should all have a discussion this weekend, but I’m worried it won’t have the outcome my child wants. I’m very grateful that my child has been so patient, but I feel like some things might be said that my child will regret and I’m worried for how that might impact our relationship.
Conclusion
The OP is caught between his desire to support his child and his personal difficulty in changing long-held naming habits, leading to a significant disconnect with his child who feels his emotional needs are not being prioritized. The conflict centers on the differing views of what constitutes adequate support: the parents believe their external compliance is sufficient, while the child expects full, immediate consistency everywhere.
The situation forces a debate over the balance between parental adjustment time and the immediate validation required by a transgender youth. Should the parents prioritize their processing time, or must the child’s need for consistent affirmation at home override the parents’ comfort level immediately?
Here’s how people reacted:
You’ve done it at school and around others. There’s literally no reason not to make the switch at home. And he shouldn’t have to ask you. It should have been fairly obvious what he would like to be called at home given everything.
Stop making excuses and make the change or risk losing him entirely once he goes to college.
I get that it’s an adjustment as a parent. I also have a trans kid. But you’ve had more than enough time to adjust. Now you’re just hurting him and your relationship to him.
Apologize. Tell him you heard him and you’re very sorry he had to ask this if you instead of you making the change organically. Say from now on you will be calling him by his preferred name and pronoun everywhere and that you’re very proud of the man he’s becoming. Do everything in your power to make him feel comfortable at home.
This is his home. The place he’s supposed to be able to feel most himself. Safest. And for 5 years… for all of his middle school and high school… you’ve made his home the one place he’s not able to feel himself. The one place he’s constantly misgendered and dead named. (Or at least not called by the correct name).
Instead of being parents who support him and love him and make him feel valued, you’ve been the people who have consistently reminded him he’s not what you wish he was. Every time you use the wrong name or pronoun you’re reinforcing the idea that he’s not what you want for a kid.
Trans kids have such a hard time. They are so much more likely to suffer depression and suicidal ideation. They are so much more likely to face discrimination… especially now.
Don’t add to that. Don’t give him another reason to hate himself or fear the world.
Be a safe place for him. Be a safe person for him.
You couldn’t even bring yourself to use male pronouns for him in this post.
Do better.
Your child is still alive and still here, many parents of transgender children can’t say the same. His gender should be ultimately meaningless to how you love him. It takes time to reimagine the future with him but if you don’t embrace his identity he is likely to see you less and less when he is an adult. Then you won’t have the opportunity to show him you finished processing.
1. You’re able to use his preferred name and pronouns out in public with seemingly no issues — does your ability to do so magically stop once you cross your house’s threshold?
2. It’s been five years since he came out and presumably is now presenting as male. So not only does he look vastly different as a 12 year old to a 17 year old, he looks like a young man instead of a young woman, so it seems like it would take a lot more effort to keep referring to him as a woman instead.
3. You refuse to even use his preferred pronouns and gender identity in this post to total internet strangers, BUT you noticeably aren’t using his previous gender. So you are making an ACTIVE CHOICE to REFUSE to acknowledge his current gender.
I hope you choose to continue to grow with your kid.
You’ve only called your child one thing for 17 years because you let the last 5 years go. Your child was 12 when you knew.How could you be so unfeeling?? Do whatever it takes. Get into therapy do what you need to do. But get on the damn train. Now.
Why do you refer to your child as anything but the name they prefer? That’s hurtful. It’s also strange to me that you use their chosen name in public but not private. Why?
My coworker’s son came out as trans a few years ago and despite it being surprising, she respected his new name and pronouns—in public and in private. Sure, she slips up occasionally, but she’s never been ashamed of her son. If she didn’t use the name he goes by, I’m sure he wouldn’t feel too supported.
It almost seems like you’re just trying to hold onto your daughter and your dreams for her, but I think it’s time to start addressing him as he’d like. At home.
I do have compassion for you, though. Gotta be hard. Sounds like you and your wife are doing a wonderful job supporting him in general.
My cousin legally changed his name, & although it was difficult it only took a few months to adjust to calling him by his new name.
It only takes a little effort to change how you refer to them, so unless you’re intentionally wanting your child to feel rejected by you, then put in the damn effort.
Right now, your child sees you using the correct name & pronouns outside the home as your attempts to be seen by outsiders as accepting, but you’re showing your true colours at home by deliberately using their dead name & gender.
If I’m being honest, I miss the old name. We picked it out for our first baby. It was special to us. But it’s not special enough to use it as a weapon against our kid. I’ve accidentally deadnamed them a few times, and I felt horrible. As the mom, I felt it was important for me to be supportive right away, because I set the tone at home.
YTA
You’re just making excuses.
FIVE YEARS? How much more time do you need to process? You wouldn’t have called your child “one name for 17 years” if you’d started using their preferred names and pronouns when they came out to you.
Get over yourself and get therapy for the fact that no matter what you are doing in public, you personally are not accepting your child for who they are.
I’m transitioned 10+ years and my family still deadnames and misgenders me, they see me once a year at best. I love them but it’s hard to be around them like that.
Your daughter is a biological female with XX chromosomes no matter what pronouns or names she convinces others to use when referring to her.
You can’t process it after 5 years because your mind understands that this is mental illness and ‘processing’ it just means going along with the delusion.
That said, it isn’t easy for you, sure. But guess what?
Shit ain’t easy. You’re a parent, I’m sure you’ve explained that to your child. Now it’s time to take a deep breath and do the hard thing because it’s the right thing to do. 😉
You can say you’re supportive all you want. If you keep misgendering him *at home,* he’s got no reason to believe you.
Btw, at my son’s school, a trans kid took their own life this week. Life is hard enough. Get your shit together.
You need to have your best charm and sincerity, whatever your path. You are important. You’re not in a competition though.
Info; If you don’t use their legal name or their preferred name. What do you call them
If you can use the preferred name and pronouns everywhere else, why is it so difficult at home?
5 months, NTA…..5 years, YTA, big time.