The discomfort stems from the girlfriend stating the friend understands her better than the OP, lying about her whereabouts with the friend, and admitting the friend’s appeal to a third party. When the OP presented an ultimatum—either he or the friend must be prioritized—the girlfriend revealed the friend gave a similar ultimatum. Her proposed solution is for the OP and the friend to meet and decide together who remains in her life, leaving the OP questioning the appropriateness and severity of this situation.
A few months into dating my girlfriend, she went through a tough time emotionally and bonded deeply with a guy who became her closest, and now, her only true friend. We’re approaching our anniversary (it was about seven months ago), and I do care about her a lot.
That said, I’ve always felt uneasy about this friendship.
She’s said things like, “You’ll never understand me like he does,” and I even caught her giving me lies (half truths) about being in his dorm at 4 AM. On top of that, I learned she told someone, “I’m not hoeing around, but there’s something about ____ that’s cute.” That really hurt.
Hearing his name genuinely ruins my day. It’s become a sore spot. The prob me is not that I feel secondary to him but that he is of equal value to her, which should not be the case.
It finally reached a point where I told her it had to be me or him.
A couple days later, she told me that he had given her the same ultimatum by him. And now she says the best thing to do is for me and him to talk it out together and decide who should stay in her life—because 1) she sees us as equally important and can’t choose and 2) him and I are on the same wavelength
I want to be mature and open-minded, but I feel weird even considering this. I also can’t ignore how much emotional damage this situation has caused me. Is meeting up with him something I should do—or is this whole setup a red flag in itself?
Conclusion
The central conflict for the OP is rooted in a perceived imbalance of emotional priority within the relationship, exacerbated by the girlfriend’s apparent inability or refusal to set clear boundaries with her close friend. While the OP aims for maturity, the emotional pain caused by the friend’s influence and the girlfriend’s proposed resolution highlights a serious challenge to the foundation of trust and commitment in their partnership.
The reader must consider whether the girlfriend’s demand for the OP to negotiate his standing with a rival is a reasonable expectation in a committed relationship, or if this entire scenario, including the friend’s direct interference, constitutes an insurmountable red flag that demands the OP prioritize his own well-being.
Here’s how people reacted:
She is twenty years old, this is not a forever relationship. So why are burning drama on this? What you do is just say ‘nah, he wins’ and you walk away.
You don’t chase after a girl like this. Never. She either joins you on your life journey or you travel until someone else joins you. This bit of her having you fight it out to see who gets her? That disqualifies her as anything other than a casual arrangement.
You need to go back to focusing on that life journey mentioned above. You need to focus on your fitness and health. You need to focus on your career and education and qualifications. You need to focus on building your social circle with healthy competent people. You need to focus on your hobbies that are helping you to become more competent. YOU should be a man so busy he has no time for drama in his life or people that bring drama into his life – and that is all she is, drama.
*she told someone, “I’m not hoeing around, but…* – yes, she is.
She wants you two fighting over her and loves playing you two off each other. Love seeing you jealous.
You two meeting to fight over her… eww. No woman in your future that finds out you did this will have an immediate ick. Have some respect OP.
You win by walking away.
You lose by giving her any power over you.
The nerve of her.
Not making a choice is a choice in my opinion.
You’re all young, is it really worth it to fight some dude over a woman who says you’ll never get her like this other dude does?
She chose him and hope to be able to keep you too.
Otherwise he’d be gone had she chosen you.
What is she thinking… move on with your life.
There will be no duels at dawn on her behalf!
NTA