AITAH for telling my wife she can leave because I’m not kicking my older kids out??

The Original Poster (OP), a 43-year-old man, is married to Amanda (42f) and they have two young daughters together. OP also has two older children, Liam (17m) and Sage (15f), from a previous, difficult divorce. Recently, Liam and Sage moved in with OP and Amanda full-time due to issues with their stepdad at their mother’s house.

Since the older children moved in, the atmosphere in the home has become tense, largely because Amanda expresses discomfort and seems critical of the new additions. The situation exploded when OP’s younger daughter, Becca (4f), who is going through a biting phase, claimed Sage hit her. Following the altercation, Amanda screamed for Liam and Sage to leave, leading them to stay overnight with friends. Amanda is now demanding that OP send his older children back to their mother permanently, forcing OP to confront the stability of his marriage.

AITAH for telling my wife she can leave because I’m not kicking my older kids out??

I (43m) have been married to my current wife Amanda (42f) for the past six years and we have two daughters (Becca 4f and Eliza 2f) together while I have 2 kids from my previous marriage Liam (17m) and Sage (15f).

The divorce was less than amicable and since my ex wife had more money and a better paying job she was awarded primary custody despite me fighting it. For the last 8 years I’ve had my older kids every other weekend and on Wednesdays.

A few weeks ago my older kids asked if they could live with us full-time due to issues with their stepdad. Liam especially had come to blows with him a few times and even their mother thought it would be for the best.

I did talk to my wife about it and I know she wasn’t happy as she feels uncomfortable around my older kids, although this is something she neglected to tell me until we had our first child together.

Things since Liam and Sage moved in have been hard and as much as I’d love to get some family therapy my wife is against it and we’re on a waiting list. Before when my kids would come over my wife would take our daughters to her parents a lot to ‘give us space’ even though I never asked for it.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m sure being a stepparent is difficult but my kids are really good kids. They have straight As, lots of friends, play sports, and are incredibly respectful.

I know I’m biased but people go out of their way to tell me these things! So it has been terrible watching Amanda nitpick everything they do. Almost as if she’s waiting for them to slip up so she can send them back to their moms.

We had already gotten into an argument over the holidays due to her trying to push them out of our traditions.

Our older daughter Becca is going through a biting phase. Her school wants her to get OT and I’ve been working with our insurance since Amanda doesn’t like the one at the school but as always it seems like there’s an endless waitlist.

So obviously the house is tense and we’ve all been walking on eggshells. Then this morning when I was making us some breakfast we heard a scream and Becca came into the kitchen crying and saying that Sage hit her.

Amanda ran into the den where Liam and Sage were and started screaming at them to leave. She was obviously pissed but Sage told her she was sorry, she had been done with the tv so had changed it to one of the girls’ shows and Becca got excited and bit her.

She said she didn’t mean to slap her and felt bad. I immediately calmed down because I think anyone has been there but Amanda didn’t believe her. Sage had a bite mark for gods sake.

Things continued escalating and our girls were crying and Amanda screamed at both of my older kids to leave. Sage told her she would so she could calm down and that pissed Amanda off more.

Liam and Sage left for a friends and ended up spending the night there.

So for the past day Amanda has been on one saying I needed to pack their things and send them back to my ex-wife’s permanently. I can’t keep dealing with this BS. I told her this morning that it was an accident and she needed to let it go but she’s refusing, even threatening to call the police (?).

She said she could never be comfortable with her babies around Sage anymore and that she didn’t feel safe. I laughed because Amanda herself once hit Becca for biting her! She ended up taking the girls to her moms and I told my kids to come back.

Amanda has been texting me that she’ll be back tomorrow and the kids needed to be gone. I was ignoring her but finally said this was their home and if she was comfortable she could pack up and leave.

My parents came over and basically told me I wasn’t wrong but shouldn’t have said she should leave. I know there are some things you can take back but at this point I almost mean it.

I would hate to deal with another divorce but Amanda has been so terrible to my older kids the past few weeks I honestly feel like she’s become a different person.

Here’s how people reacted:

Exotic-Lecture6631

Looks like you have another custody fight on your hands. Gosh my step dad struggled with the bio kids can do no wrong, all problems stem from step kids from the time I met him. He never kicked us out though. Just as an aside fight really hard for custody, my mom and dad had 3 kids together, all 3 of us have full time jobs, live as independently as possible in todays world, and are functional members of society. My step dad also had 3 kids. One is a 30 year old hoarder who cannot keep a job, has never met his daughter, and lives with them because he is incapable of indepedence and roommates kick him out for being rude and gross. One got pregnant at 15, and while she does live independently she had no choice after being kicked out of both her parents houses for events she was lucky not to have the police called on her. She was 17, and being away from my step father is now the most independent. The youngest

Rowana133

NTA. It sucks but looks like you have horrible taste in women and need another divorce. Your kids need to come first. Your older kids were already kicked out of one home, you just allowed your wife to kick them out of another. She can call the cops but then you can threaten her with the same thing. She kicked your minor children out, and she has hit your younger child before. Make sure you record and save any future interactions with your wife and absolutely get cameras throughout your house for your children’s safety. If you allow this woman back in your house it’s only a matter of time until she escalates to try to get your older children out.

Inevitable_Pie9541

NTA. Your present wife waited till she was pregnant by you to drop the mask, because she thought now she had you trapped. She wasn’t honest with you about not liking your kids *deliberately* and hoped you’d just forget all about them in favour of your “new” kids with her.

She’s dishonest, manipulative, cruel, and selfish: that’s her real self you’re finally seeing.

You did right by your older kids having them move in with you. Notice how your doing *the right thing* was met with fury and outrage by your wife. She doesn’t just want the kids back with your ex, she wants them cancelled out of your life!

Wishing you luck. Rough situation.

Contribution4afriend

NTA but have cameras that also record sounds around your older kids. I am afraid she will falsely accuse them of SA, aggression or stealing at some point. I hate to warn you of this but you will have to do it.
Also for the biting part, perhaps another toothpaste that helps to soothe the pain. And mix it with some fun toothbrush. You will need to change them often. Like every 3 months. And make sure your kid is brushing after every single meal. Cut sugar drinks too. No cereal with milk, soda, artificial juices or chocolate drinks. Cut that evil early. (And you will have to do it because your current wife isn’t in a good mood for anything)

professionaldrama-

I feel sorry for Liam & Sage. They don’t have a safe space and both of their stepparents wants them out and their both parents puts their marriage first. Its so obvious that if your wife comes back you’ll accept her let things go like this and abuse Sage & Liam. Yes, your wife is on her way to abuse them and you’re like “we’ll go family therapy but my dear wife is against it” You might be a good dad to your young kids but Sage & Liam deserves better parents. Hopefully they know their worth and will get rid of you all when they leave that house as soon as possible.

I wish Liam & Sage best while wishing you ED.

writing_mm_romance

I get the feeling that your wife was expecting you’d move on from your older kids once you and she had your children together. That they would be your new family and you’d just forget the first one. If she’d succeeded you would have become the divorced dad trope that I LOATHE reading about on Reddit. She underestimated your commitment to your children, she expected you to choose her. It’s important to show all four of your kids that they’ll be in your top priorities always.

NTA, sounds like you’re doing it right!

saltyone226

Have you talked to your wife to see exactly why she does not like your kids. Do they act differently when you’re not around??? Innocent acting kids can be little monsters to step parents when bio parent is not around. ( not saying this is the case) technically your wife could press charges against your daughter for assaulting the little one due to her age and the age of the child who bit which could be used against you in a custody case if she leaves

adjudicateu

Well you’re consistent. Ready to do to your two new kids what you did to your first two kids. 4 years old is old for a ‘biting phase’. That needs hyper attention to get to the root of that behavior. The situation between you and your wife needs couples therapy and your wife needs her own counseling to figure out why she is so resentful of your kids with wife 1. ESH except the kids who are dealing with poor parenting and parents marital issues.

Cursd818

NTA

You need to choose your children. Your wife is showing you who she is. Believe her. Your kids have already been thrown out of their mother’s house because their stepfather hit your son (something you really seem to have skated over!). They deserve a home that is safe, and it’s up to you to provide it for them. Show all four of your children that you will always out them first, no matter who is attacking them. Even if that person is your wife.

merishore25

NTA. This woman doesn’t want your children in the family. You do not have a choice at this point. Your wife is against therapy and doesn’t want to work through this. Your older children must be so confused and feel the constant rejection from your wife, let alone their mother. One question I have is why did your wife always feel uncomfortable. What did they do specifically. If nothing, she just doesn’t want a blended family.

2npac

NTA for this situation but why are you not even the least bit concerned about why your son and his step-dad has “come to blows” multiple times? The first time that happens, I’m sitting everyone down and getting to do the bottom of it. And if I find out the step-dad is the aggressor, we’re fighting, cuz that is not normal or okay. And if it’s your son causing the issue, you need to get his ass in line cuz that’s also not okay

Marble05

Wake up, she never wanted your kids to be part of “your” life with her and now her mask dropped since she can’t run away from them. She kept the act up so long she even made you have a child with her, but since you are not a monster you haven’t dropped your old family for the new one.

She needs to get out of the house and go to a therapist for her issues with people that have done nothing wrong to her besides existing.

MountainWorking5454

You’re NTA for standing by your kids, but your definitely oblivious to the fact your wife has never liked your kids, it only became noticeable to you when you had kids together. She was looking for a reason and Sage acting out like she does is the perfect opportunity for her. Your daughter needs to deal with her issues and your son likely needs someone to talk to since he was probably physically abused by his step dad.

sk1999sk

nta – your current wife is a nut. Amanda is way out of line. stand by your older kids. they need you and it sounds like they did nothing wrong. therapy is definitely needed for all. if your current marriage ends in divorce, please seek therapy to find out why you picked Amanda do you do not make that mistake again. I am sure there were signs you missed.

RiverNew7009

From a kid whose dad chose his new life new wife over me, always, her once beloved and a daughter he was proud of, Just wanna say thank you for siding with your older, you don’t know how much It will meant for them down the road. To have someone that always be in your corner,
I still carry all the scars it left behind til now.

Nonby_Gremlin

NTA but make sure you talk with your older kids about how much you do love and want them. I hate that both their stepparents are being awful. Not having a safe home as a kid can be really damaging (ask me how I know.)
If your wife is unwilling to do therapy/mediation then she needs to understand that WILL result in divorce.

OkLocksmith2064

NTA.

Amanda played nice until she had your first kid. Then the gloves came off.

She is an entitled b\*tch, textbook stepmother from hell. Protect your kids from her.

Listen: They already have an evil step parent and their mom chose him over her own kids. If you do the same, your kids are screwed. Don’t let them down.

ParticularPath7791

NTA. Your wife is a AH tho. If I was Sage I would have hit the biting brat as well or actually I would have bit her back. One good bite will curb her biting phase. Your wife knew you had kids before you got married. She needs to learn to deal with them and tbh the only brat in the house seems to me the non step child!!!!!

Kindly_Delicious

NTA

Getting randomly bitten out of the blue by a 4 yr old would make anyone reactively slap. The older daughter now knows the little one bites (that needs to be fixed asap, wth biting??) and apologized that it was an accident.

New wife is overreacting. She probably resents you have kids prior to her.

Any-Expression2246

She’s got other reasons for hating your kids. Reasons that are on her and she’s making them out to be the problem. This won’t end well unless she realizes it. Prepare for the worst, but stick up for your kids because this will get tricky.

Amazing-Wave4704

NTA. Your wife is the same person she ALWAYS has been. I bet if you ask your older kids and tell them you want honest answers, you will find they have been aware of how she feels for a looooong time.

IndicationNo5551

She excused herself from the family when she said her kids are not yours and that she does not trust them. This is who she is—she’s got an ugly heart. It’s better to accept this and choose your kids.

llynllydaw_999

If this is real then your wife didn’t sign up for your kids to live with her. So not surprising perhaps that she doesn’t like it. Particularly if you imposed the new arrangement on her.

Orisha_Oshun

She pretended to love yer kids until she had her own, and now she wants to discard them like old shoes… she’s a witch!!! You should leave her, and keep taking care of yer kids…

Ok_Protection3775

NTA. If she didn’t want to be a stepmom, she shouldn’t have married someone with kids.

Keep standing up for your kids, specially knowing that (basically) they only have you now.

Useful-Commission-76

There is something seriously wrong with Becca. It’s unusual for a 4-year-old to bite. That’s toddler behavior. Is Becca behind in her verbal development?

OneChocolate7248

NTA – as a stepmom, I hate people like your wife. She’s the type that gives us a bad name. She needs to leave. Protect your children.

Suitable-Ad5451

No, I don’t believe you are TAH. Amanda….she seems to be. Seems like she was waiting for them to mess up.

BlueGreen_1956

NTA

Amanda needs to go. It’s a shame you share kids with her, but I would never trust her again.

dart1126

YTA

Your wife hates your kids. You cant be seriously telling us you haven’t known this forever

beet3637

Why exactly does your wife dislike your kids? She’s being overprotective and irrational.

shammy_dammy

NTA. The older kids are still your kids. They’re not trash to be pushed to the curb.

pookapotomus2

Nta. I’d be filing for divorce before id let someone treat my kids like that.

Expert-Bus9720

NTA for how you reacted but YTA for marrying someone who dislikes your kids.

Temporary_Alfalfa686

I swear I read this one a while back….even the names are the same.

Ilovepunkim

Time to dispose the trash. And yes, I’m talking about Amanda. NTA

Equivalent-Staff1166

CHOOSE YOUR CHILDREN EVERY SINGLE TIME. EVERY TIME.

Enough-Effective-664

NTA – your wife has way overstepped

BreeAnneGivemore

By Amanda! Was nice knowing you!

Conclusion

OP is currently in a highly conflicted emotional state, torn between protecting the children he has an obligation to house and supporting his wife, who is expressing severe distress and fear regarding Sage’s presence in the home. His recent ultimatum to Amanda—that she should leave if she is uncomfortable—shows how close the situation is to a breaking point, overriding his desire to avoid another divorce.

The core debate centers on parental commitment versus spousal partnership under stress. Should OP prioritize his role as a father by ensuring his older children have a stable home, even if it means risking his marriage? Or must he support his wife’s stated boundary regarding her safety and comfort around one of the stepchildren, potentially necessitating the older children’s removal?