Instead of validating the OP’s feelings, the boyfriend made light of the situation, telling his daughter to continue the action jokingly. When the OP later brought up her disappointment privately, stating she felt unsupported, the boyfriend reacted strongly, suggesting the only solution was to keep the daughter away from her, accusing her of being unable to handle small issues, and implying she would eventually force him to choose between them. The OP is now questioning whether her reaction to this boundary setting is an overreaction or a sign of a serious relationship problem.
Hi Reddit. I’m 27F, and I’ve been dating a 37M for over a year. He has a 5-year-old daughter, and as things have gotten more serious, I’ve tried to be thoughtful and respectful in how I show up not just for him, but in how I connect with his child and family.
But something happened recently at a family dinner that really hurt me, and I’m trying to figure out if I’m overreacting or if this is something more serious.
We were at a dinner for his mom’s birthday. His daughter was sitting in the booth behind me and kept tapping me on the back of the head over and over. It wasn’t aggressive, but it was physically repetitive, and I probably let it happen five or six times and didn’t say anything.
I didn’t want to cause a scene or make her feel bad she’s a kid. Eventually, his mom noticed and said something to him in Spanish, telling him to have her stop.
That’s when he turned to me and asked, “Do you feel disrespected?” I said, “Yeah, I kind of do.” And instead of taking that seriously or stepping in, he immediately said, “Too bad.” Then he turned to his daughter and said, “Keep doing it” jokingly.
But of course, she’s five. She took that as a green light and kept doing it.
What really hurt me wasn’t the tapping itself it was that I communicated how I felt in a calm, honest way, and he made it into a joke. He didn’t step in or make me feel protected. And when I brought it up later in private, I tried to be clear about that.
I wasn’t mad at his daughter. I was disappointed in him. I told him it didn’t feel good that I voiced something that made me uncomfortable, and instead of having my back, he brushed it off and turned it into a game.
That’s when he said something that really shocked me. He told me that if I thought something like that was a big deal, then the only solution is to just keep his daughter away from me going forward.
That if I can’t handle small things like that, it’s only going to get worseand one day I’ll probably make him choose between me and his kid. He also made a comment that I’d probably “only take care of my own kids,” as if I’m incapable of caring for someone else’s child.
To be clear: I have never asked him to choose. I’ve gotten his daughter small gifts, showed up with warmth and grace, and I’ve gone out of my way to respect the dynamic between them.
But every time I set a boundary even one as simple as saying “this felt disrespectful”he makes it seem like I’m the enemy, like I have a problem with her. His go-to response is to remove me from the situation entirely, as if I’m a threat instead of a partner.
He’s also mentioned that he’s never had to balance being a father and being in a relationship at the same time, and he doesn’t know how it’s supposed to work. I do understand that. I know it can be complicated, and I know this is new for him.
But I also believe that being new at something doesn’t give you permission to shut down your partner every time they express a need.
So… am I overthinking this? Or is this as big of a red flag as it feels?
Conclusion
The central conflict for the OP involves her partner consistently dismissing her expressed discomfort and boundaries, framing her needs as an attack on his daughter rather than treating her as a partner deserving of support. While the boyfriend is new to balancing fatherhood and a serious relationship, his reaction—escalating a minor boundary issue to the possibility of choosing between his partner and child—demonstrates an inability or unwillingness to validate his partner’s emotional experience.
The core question is whether this pattern of invalidation and immediate escalation represents a fundamental incompatibility or a solvable communication issue. Readers must consider if the boyfriend’s defensive reaction indicates a deep-seated fear of conflict regarding his daughter, or if the OP is facing a significant relationship roadblock where her basic needs for respect are continually minimized.
Here’s how people reacted:
Second, he’s 10 years older than you and his words make it obvious he doesn’t see you as equal but as a younger person, who cannot possibly have a correct or valid opinion if it’s different from his. Why you want to stay with a guy who’s older and has baggage is beyond me. Is he paying for your living expenses or something?
NTA
YTA if you stay to be honest.
Honestly his priority should be his daughter and not trying to find relationships.
You deserve someone who can focus on you and just you.
NTA. Keep your eyes open.
That, and, ‘too bad’ when you said about how you felt disrespected. Send him back to his ma, he’s got some growing to do yet.
Obnoxious tapping is a normal child behavior, but when someone tells them they’ve had enough, that should be it.
He’s a red flag.
Time to go sis.
He is immature, a terrible dad and partner.
Run.