Fah was deeply hurt by the direct accusation, and OP immediately ended the dinner and left with his wife. Following this event, OP’s parents insist they were only joking and refuse to apologize, while OP’s brother suggested OP should have avoided confrontation to maintain family peace. OP is now questioning the timing and method of the confrontation, wondering if he should have waited to address the issue privately.
My wife, Fah (32F), is from Thailand. We met while she was studying in the US, fell in love, and got married five years ago. Shes an amazing woman, kind, hardworking, and incredibly smart.
Unfortunately, my parents have never fully accepted her.
From the beginning, they made offhand comments about her being a gold digger and only marrying me for a green card. No matter how many times I told them otherwise, they held onto this ignorant assumption.
It doesnt matter that Fah has a successful career, makes her own money (she makes more than me btw), and has never asked me for a dime, because in their eyes, shes one of those foreign women who trap American men.
Last weekend, we had dinner at my parents’ house. At first, things were civil. But then my dad smirked and said, “So, Fah, now that youve been married five years, do you finally get to keep your green card?” My mom laughed and added, “Guess you dont have to be on your best behavior anymore, huh?”
Fah went pale. I was furious. I told them to cut it out, but my dad doubled down and said that they’re just joking. But that we cant blame them for wondering how much of this marriage was for love and how much was for the visa.
My mom nodded and said they just want to make sure I werent taken advantage of.
That was it. I stood up, told them we wasnt staying for dinner, and walked out with Fah. In the car, she was quiet, then finally asked me if they really think that way of her which just broke my heart.
Now my parents are saying I embarrassed them in front of the other family and overreacted. My brother says I shouldve just kept the peace and talked to them later. Theyre refusing to apologize, claiming it was just a joke.
I dont regret standing up for my wife, but now I’m wondering if maybe I should’ve just waited until everyone else is gone to call them out on it?
Conclusion
OP is caught between defending his wife against clear prejudice and managing the long-term fallout with his parents and brother, who prioritize avoiding immediate conflict over addressing harmful behavior. The central tension lies in OP’s commitment to protecting Fah from his parents’ ingrained biases versus the social pressure to keep the peace within the extended family unit.
The reader must weigh the importance of immediate, public defense of a spouse against the potential long-term benefits of calculated, private conflict resolution. Should OP prioritize his wife’s immediate emotional validation by standing firm, or was there a more strategic approach to changing his parents’ long-held, discriminatory views?
Here’s how people reacted:
I would argue that it was your *duty* to stand up for your wife and immediately remove you both from that situation. Unless and until your parents can very sincerely apologize to both of you for the way they’ve behaved and start acting respectful of you *both*, I think you should limit contact with them.
When your parents claim to just be looking out for your best interests, ask if they believe they did a lousy job of raising you. If not, why do they feel the need to question your choice of life partner. (If they say they *did* do a lousy job, well, *not being a bigot* is just one of the many ways you’re fixing that.)
If they had the capacity to feel shame, your parents would *never* have treated *their own daughter-in-law* and *guest* in their home, in such a *horrendously shameful* manner. I’d be skeptical of any claim that they even *can be* embarrassed, but **any** embarrassment they *did* feel was *entirely* their own doing.
I wish you and your wife all the best.
You should have checked them a long time ago.
I feel you.
My husband is indian and I’m french.
We are married since 17 years, but I know there are still people believing he married me for money/visa…
🤷♀️🤷♀️
You should go low contact with your family!
And your brother is defending them because he is on their side!
And they can forget about being grandparents to your kids.
Holllyyy fuck are they racist. Do not bring your wife back. Do you know how much racism she has to internalize over the years of being in a foreign country??? Do not add to that!
Also, FYI, if she’s had her green card for 3 years she can apply for citizenship.
Your parents were out of line. You acted appropriately in the given circumstances.
NTA.
There’s nothing funny about what they said.
NTA