During this conversation, the husband expressed that their son was “too much to handle” and a “burden,” even suggesting adoption. When confronted, the husband dismissed these comments as mere venting due to stress, but he did not apologize. The OP is now struggling with the decision of whether to stay in the marriage despite this serious revelation, questioning her husband’s commitment to their family.
I (30F) have been married to my husband (32M) for five years. We’ve had our share of problems like any couple, but this one’s really shaken me to my core. We have a son (5M) who was diagnosed with autism about two years ago.
Of course, it hasn’t been easy, but I love him with all my heart. He’s sweet, and despite the challenges, I could never imagine life without him.
Lately, my husband has been acting different. He’s more distant, like he’s checked out emotionally. I chalked it up to stress from work or maybe just that we’re both overwhelmed trying to balance everything.
But then I overheard something that I can’t unhear. He was talking to a couple of his friends, and they were discussing kids, parenting, etc. One of his friends made some off-hand comment about how hard parenting is, and that’s when my husband just…
let loose.
He started saying how our son is “too much to handle” and that he feels like “he’s a burden.” He even mentioned that sometimes he wishes we could give him up for adoption, like WHAT?!
I couldn’t believe it. At first I thought maybe he was just frustrated and saying things out of anger or stress, but he kept going. He wasn’t just venting. He said he missed the freedom we had before becoming parents and that he thinks it would be “better for everyone” if we weren’t stuck with this life.
I was absolutely crushed. How could he talk about our son like that? I would NEVER give up on him, not for anything. He’s not a burden—he’s a beautiful boy who just needs more understanding and patience.
Hearing my husband say those things about him just shattered me inside.
When I confronted him, he brushed it off, saying I was overreacting and that he didn’t really mean it, that he was just blowing off steam with his friends. But how can I not take that seriously?
He’s literally talking about abandoning our son! He didn’t apologize. He said he’s just overwhelmed and feels like our son’s autism is taking over our lives and that he doesn’t know how much more he can take.
But instead of working through it together, he’s talking about running away from the problem.
Now I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t stay with someone who sees our child as a burden. But I also feel so torn because we’re married, and I thought we’d always have each other’s backs, especially when it comes to raising our child.
But if he’s really feeling like this, how can I trust him to be there for our son and me in the long run?
I don’t want to break up our family, but I also can’t stay with someone who could even think about giving up our child. I love my son more than anything, and I will never allow that.
Conclusion
The OP is emotionally devastated, facing a fundamental conflict between her unwavering commitment to her son and the betrayal she feels from her husband, who views their child as a source of stress and a potential burden. Her inability to trust his future commitment to their family structure is now causing her to consider separation.
The central debate hinges on whether the husband’s extreme statements were simply stress-induced venting that can be overcome with support, or if they revealed an irreconcilable difference in commitment to their child’s needs. Should the OP prioritize her marriage and attempt intensive couples counseling, or is the expressed desire to abandon their special needs child a dealbreaker that necessitates ending the relationship?
Here’s how people reacted:
He’s overwhelmed? How? By distancing himself, he put himself in a situation where he is less exposed to his son, thus where he is less overwhelmed by the care he requires.
> I thought we’d always have each other’s backs
Well, he doesn’t have your back. Instead of helping you out, communicating and finding solutions to make the whole situation less overwhelming, he checked out, bottled his feelings down and, when confronted with his pathetic behaviour, did not apologize.
> how can I trust him to be there for our son and me in the long run?
You can’t. He basically told you it’s only a matter of time before he jumps ship.
> I don’t want to break up our family
He does not seem like he’s afraid to, though.
> Should I be trying harder to work this out or is it too far gone?
I think it should be up to him to try harder, but let’s give you a chance to at least know you did everything that you could :
* Have a pair of grandparents or someone else you trust babysit your son for the evening, so you can have an evening with your husband and discuss the real, serious matters.
* Have your husband talk about his feelings, his expectations about fatherhood and parenthood in general and what he wants for the future.
* If need be suggest therapy (individual and familial) and maybe consulting with pediatrician to find other ways to be supported as parents of an autistic child.
* Find a support group for parents of autistic children.
If discussing between you two and finding outside help are not good enough for him, you’ll know what to do, but at least you gave it your all and your husband basically gave up when he realized too late than having children is not just about the Kodak moments.
NAH. You both just need help.
You can suggest you both go to a parenting class so that knowing how to interact, care for, etc will be less unknown causing fear, frustration, anger. Have his male friends with babies/kids speak to him about fatherhood.
Encourage him when he spends time, takes care of, or speaks lovingly of you child. Build up his confidence and let him be the only carer once in a while as you step out of the house for lunch with friends.
Instead of throwing a marriage away, especially when you both have a 5 year old, isn’t the best thing to do. Maybe try couples therapy or see if fheres options for parents with autistic children to recieve assistance.
Good luck to the both of you!
Jesus, people act like someone’s not allowed to have moments of weakness and let out all they bottled up.
It’s understandable if your husband is stressed because raising a child with autism is incredibly difficult. You’re well within your rights to divorce him. You know him better than anyone most likely, so if you don’t believe he can properly handle being a father to his son, then I think you know what you need to do.
IMHO YTA for not supporting someone who may have had a lapse and who may be reaching a burn out state.
Your husband giving up on your son shows the man he is. Absolute coward.
He should read on Colin Farrells story. Time for him to touch some grass.
It’s disgusting to talk about your own child like that , sorry but your husband is a total AH !!!!
How severe is your son’s autism?