When the OP persistently asked Ken to join her for lunch after he had already declined, Esme intervened, telling the OP to ‘take a hint’ and making a pointed comment about the OP’s age. This caused immediate awkwardness and distress for the OP. After eventually confirming with Ken that he does not reciprocate her feelings, the OP confronted him about his daughter’s rudeness, leading to a tense reaction from Ken. The OP is now seeking outside perspective on the conflict.
I (32F) work in an office with my coworker Ken (40M) who has a daughter Esme (15F). Ken and I are friendly, we’ve worked together for a few years now and over the last year maybe I have been trying to open the door with something romantic.
I was being very obvious, but it never went anywhere, and I thought that it was because he was clueless. A few weeks ago Esme came with Ken’s dad to bring lunch to Ken. It was sweet, she was polite to everyone in the office, including me.
They visited for about half an hour before I went to take my lunch. I always come in and ask Ken if he wants to join me for lunch, and I knew his visitors were leaving soon, so I did the same as always.
He said no, which is no big deal, sometimes he says no sometimes he says yes. I asked if he was sure and he said he was, and I asked “are you sure you’re sure” sort of teasingly. His daughter speaks up and said “he said he’s sure” and things got a little awkward, no one said anything but Ken and his dad looked shocked.
I said I was just asking and she told me to “take a hint” and then Ken finally told her to stop. She said, quote, “it’s not my fault she doesn’t understand at her big age”. I ended up crying, we didn’t talk for a while and I steered clear.
Last week I finally talked to him about it. He apologized and we talked a little more openly about stuff. Ken hadn’t dated since his divorce 11 years ago, and he didn’t plan to. He said he had been “happily uninvolved” (after some clarification, he meant 100% completely celibate!
Didn’t think people did that nowadays!) since then and he didn’t want that to change any time soon, if ever. He told me he knows I’m interested but he didn’t return the feelings. We were okay, it was an adult conversation and all went well.
This is where things turned sour. I told him I understood, I apologized for pushing, and I ask him why his daughter treated me the way she did. He apologized but he said she was protective of his choices, she knew that he was not interested in anyone, and he had expressed his discomfort around my flirting to his family.
I told him that still wasn’t validation for how she spoke to me, and that he needed to teach her tact as ultimately I am someone being rejected by the person I had feelings for. She should have been polite and treated me with empathy.
It was like his mood changed on the spot. He starts talking about how he prides himself on being a single father and raising a strong, intelligent daughter. I apologized immediately for offending him and said I just felt that she was brash.
He ended the conversation and we hadn’t spoken since. I’ve noticed some people giving me the cold shoulder, finally I asked a friend what was up, and she told me that some people thought it was wrong of me to have said that to Ken.
I left it alone and figured it would blow over but I’ve had this nagging stomach ache since since then. I think part of me is looking for reassurance, or maybe just laying it out in front of me to clear my head.
I think I just need an outsiders perspective.
Conclusion
The OP is currently in a difficult position, feeling rejected both romantically by Ken and judged socially by her workplace peers, leading to significant anxiety. The core conflict stems from the OP’s initial persistent romantic advances, the daughter’s blunt defense of her father’s stated boundaries, and the OP’s subsequent insistence that the daughter should have been more tactful in delivering that boundary.
The central question for debate is where the line should be drawn between accepting a clear romantic rejection and expecting courtesy from the other party’s family members. Was the OP justified in demanding Ken address his daughter’s lack of tact, or did her previous actions justify the protective response from Esme and the subsequent defensiveness from Ken?
Here’s how people reacted:
YTA
You should be ashamed. You should be facing consequences at work.
You see this only from the lens of your rejection. But you are not entitled to anything from this man, who is a professional colleague and should be able to go to work and do his job without being pursued by a colleague.
Any way you look at it, you were inappropriate.
Plus, Ken was throwing out enough uninterested social cues, that would tranquillise an elephant.
Yes, Esme’s behaviour wasn’t ideal for a professional work setting but neither was yours. Accept the loss, back off, get some therapy, expand your dating circle, and perhaps start looking for a new job as it sounds like you’ve ruined your reputation there.
I’m gonna be real with you OP, it’s your own damn fault this happened. Had you taken the damn hint far sooner you wouldn’t have been called out. Ken’s reasons for choosing to not date you or that he’s celibate is absolutely none of your business and it should never have come to that for you to understand he wasn’t interested.
And then when you hear everything, you make ot about how his child and his parenting. Disgusting.
You continuously made him uncomfortable with your constant flirting and his daughter finally put you in your place.
You just didn’t like it.
It’s not your place to try and teach him how to raise his daughter. Your inability to take the hint is your problem.
It’s been going on a year. How could you possibly not realize after all that time that he has no interest in you?!
>YTA
You’re being obnoxious and unprofessional here.
Imagine the same with a women, a guy hitting at her every day at work, even in front of her kid who, maybe will leave soon but is still right now.
Lastly, the dtr was out of line, and he does need to teach her tact. It may be best to cut this friendship and have a professional relationship only.
If anyone should learn tact, it should be you.
This whole post is so gross, I hope it’s fake.
Your delusional, no means no for everyone.
He was with his father and daughter. He said NO, which is a complete sentence and you kept pushing making an ass of yourself and annoying everyone.
You’re sexually harassing him to the point where he’s expressed discomfort to his family.
You’re not the victim here. He is.
YTA
Girl, she called you out and you’re just bitter about it. It’s been a year. You should have taken the hint a long time ago.