The core issue revolves around Mike’s refusal to maintain basic cleanliness and contribute to household chores, often dismissing the OP’s requests by claiming he is “just not a clean person.” When the OP expressed hesitation about cohabitation due to these habits, Mike became defensive, accusing her of not trusting him. The OP is now conflicted about whether to proceed with moving in or set firm boundaries regarding his expected contribution to household maintenance.
I (29F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend “Mike” (31M) for about a year and a half. We’ve been talking about moving in together, and he recently brought it up seriously, saying he wants to take the next step.
At first, I was excited, but now I’m having doubts, and I’m starting to feel like I might be the asshole.
Mike has some habits that I’ve found hard to deal with, even though I love him. He doesn’t clean up after himself—like, at all. I’m not talking about minor things like leaving a cup on the counter; I’m talking about leaving dishes piled up for days, clothes all over the floor, food wrappers everywhere.
He never takes out the trash, even when it’s overflowing. And when I try to ask him to help out or even just clean up after himself, he acts like I’m asking for too much. He says things like, “I’m just not a clean person,” or “That’s your thing, not mine.”
I’ve tried to have calm conversations with him about it, and while he agrees that it bothers me, nothing ever changes. I’ve also noticed that he spends most of his time on the couch watching TV, and if I ask him to help with something, he’ll either put it off or say he’s “too tired” after work.
I’ve talked to him about moving in together, and I told him that I’m just not sure if it would work because I don’t think I can live with someone who won’t contribute to keeping the space clean or help with daily tasks.
He got defensive and said I was making him feel “like a burden,” and that he was willing to “try harder.” But honestly, I’ve heard this before, and I’m not convinced.
I love Mike, but I’m starting to feel like it might be more of a hassle than a joy to live together. I don’t want to be the person who does everything while he just chills out. I also don’t want to become resentful.
I’ve tried talking to him about it, but now he’s hurt, saying I’m not giving him a fair chance and that he feels like I don’t trust him.
I’m just not sure if this is something I’m willing to put up with long-term. AITA for refusing to let him move in unless he changes these habits?
Conclusion
The OP finds herself in a difficult position where her genuine affection for Mike clashes with her clear need for shared responsibility in a domestic setting. Her hesitation stems from a realistic fear of becoming resentful and taking on all the household labor, a dynamic she has tried unsuccessfully to change through prior conversations.
The central debate rests on whether the OP is justified in halting a major commitment like moving in until tangible behavioral changes are demonstrated, or if she should compromise on her standards for the sake of the relationship’s progression. Is the OP being unreasonable by setting these standards, or is Mike unwilling to meet the basic expectations of a shared adult life?
Here’s how people reacted:
So far, the BF has shown that he doesn’t want to.
In my late teens and very early 20s, I used to have bad habits on that.
My father had been OCD clean, but not in a way that was good for us kids to learn to be clean; he refused to let ANYONE else wash the dishes because he didn’t trust that we would clean them well enough. He used extremely hot water, soaped them immensely, and was very detail-oriented that they were squeaky clean when he was done.
In the college dorms, I had just a couple plates, so I had to wash them to use them. And I didn’t have my own sink; the bathroom was shared by 4 dorm rooms/ 8 women, so I couldn’t leave them in the sink. And the kitchen was shared by half the floor of the dorm building. Leaving dishes in the sinks was against the dorm rules.
The first off-campus apartment I lived in during college, I lived with other 2 women who were similarly not dish-cleaning-oriented. The dishes piled up, sometimes badly, until one of us decided to wash all of them in a binge cleaning moment (I had my binge-cleaning moments, often when I smoked pot which gave me a desire to do detailed cleaning). One roommate and I noticed that the third roommate NEVER cleaned the pile of dishes in the sink (and rarely cleaned anything else), and we were kinda annoyed by it and occasionally asked her to do the dishes, but since we weren’t so clean ourselves, we let it slide.
Then I moved into an apartment with a good friend of mine at age 21.
After a couple of months of living together, she sat me down for a conversation.
She told me she loves me as a friend, but she could NOT continue to live with me of if I was going to continue to regularly leave piles of dishes in the sink, cleaning them irregularly.
She gave me an ultimatum; become better at it, or find another place to live. She said she was doing this to KEEP our friendship, that she didn’t want to get resentful, and that she didn’t want to live that way.
I didn’t want to move out; I really liked living with her. I also hadn’t known how much it was bothering her. But I wasn’t sure if my ability to always wash my dishes after I ate. I told her I didn’t mean to do it, but I was often in a hurry to go places after eating a meal.
She came up with an effective strategy for me; I was allowed to leave dirty dishes in the sink temporarily if I had to rush somewhere, but I had to clean them before the next meal/snack that I made. That way, I had time to clean them sometime that I was not in a rush.
This strategy helped me develop a routine that ensured I didn’t let piles of dishes grow.
My roommate was pleasantly surprised/delighted when the dish situation got much better. A couple months later she congratulated me on my habit changes, and said she is fine with me continuing to live with her.
Eventually I got used to automatically cleaning dishes after a meal if I was not pressed for time, and cleaning them even before my next meal, if I had left them previously due to being rushed.
I changed my habits because 1) I cared for my friend and didn’t want to negatively affect her, 2) There would be a negative consequence if I didn’t change my habits (I didn’t want to move out), 3) we came up with a flexible, forgiving, effective strategy for me to keep to the plan that accounted for my own personal challenges that made me not do the dishes in the first place, and 4) I did want to grow/ become a more responsible adult.
the boyfriend he already shown that reasons 1 and 4 don’t apply to him. If reasons 2 (not being able to move in with his girlfriend) and 3 (figuring out what about his life/personality is keeping him from being clean) don’t get him to change, nothing will.
Hold fast onto not letting him move in if he doesn’t change his habits at home.
Also, acknowledge that perhaps he doesn’t know HOW to change his habits, and brainstorm with him on methods for him to improve.
But he has to be open to that, and then prove that he has successfully made the change.
So far, it doesn’t look hopeful.
And even when a husband does some of the chores, his wife does an average of 7 hours a week more:
https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/husbands-create-extra-seven-hours-of-housework-a-week-a6885951.html
Of course he said that he’ll change. He’s going to say anything to get some of that sweet free maid service and chef duties. You can only go by his behavior, which is that of a child waiting for his mommy to feed him and tidy up after him.
Do not let him move in. Also consider whether or not you would prefer to date a fully functional adult. I heard that they exist.
Why would you ever consider yourself the ahole if you’re just bringing up the issue of incompatible cleanliness standards? if anything he’s the AH for trying to breeze over it.
Don’t believe his words. Believe his actions. Tell him that you will *Consider* moving in if you can do a random spot check at his place xx amount of times in x months and he needs to pass at least 75% of the time (idk you can pick your own rules for that) and see if he wants to work on it for your relationship.
Unfortunately, most men don’t really care about improving things untill it’s too late and you’re moving on.
Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy babe, you deserve better
If you do decide to be his bang-maid, PLEASE, do not have children to him. You will end up working full-time, cleaning full-time, taking care of Mike’s “needs” full-time, and handling the baby full-time. All the while he’ll be chilling on the couch telling you how you aren’t giving him a fair chance and don’t trust him.
Just NOPE out of dating this loser.
My spouse was not taught how to clean, his parents did it for him. When we moved in together, I taught him how to clean if he didn’t already know. He understands that as an adult, it’s important to have a clean house even if it’s a chore. Because sometimes adulthood is a chore, and most people don’t get a thrill out of cleaning—it’s just something we must do.
Oh hell no, you’ve already been turned into his damn maid, if you move in with him you will be doing \*everything\*. You’re already doing the mental labour with attempting to have make home less disgusting, as well as cleaning up after a grown man.
He’ll try harder? he’s had 31 years to try harder. Dude is going to want constant praise because he put a plate in the sink.
You’ve already wasted a year and a half with him, don’t waste anymore time on someone willing to live in a dumpster.
NTA
He sounds like someone completely unwilling and unable to act like s partner. Oh, sure, he _says_ he will, but then doesn’t, which is the definition of unreliable.
He wants a bangmaid, and if you’re not careful, he’ll move from trying to get it using sweet talk and false promises to trying to baby trap you.
You’re worth more than this, stop settling.
He IS a burden. To himself, to you, to anyone in the future he lives with without making changes.
But you don’t have to burden yourself with this dude. Don’t believe any promises he makes, because you already have evidence he doesn’t want to change presently.
IMO, you are better off either staying in separate place for the rest of your relationship or just end it.
It’s not even about moving in together at this point, it’s about this relationship even working long term.
Maybe it’s time you reconsider the entire relationship with him.