For 13+ years. Even with me on the taxes my Mom would lose the entire refund and expected the loss every year due to a child support debt. 

Also the man made no payments all year. 

Strangely my Mom felt better about this arrangement. 

Therefore we never had that nice little influx of money that could have probably improved life a little.

These were kids born in 1978 and I believe the debt was finally paid off in 2008 because of inheritance that also didn’t touch the household.

And then my Mom divorced him in ’10 🤦🏼‍♀️ having lost so much money over the years.

So, here is the question. It is only ‘your tax refund’ if you file without him, but the real question is did he work and pay into the IRS via his paycheck or quarterly payments? If so, the $7,000 was not entirely yours to start with.

You say you thought he was making monthly payments. Is it the case that he was but was still in arrears and that is why it taken?

Three are a lot of key details you are leaving out.

If your husband mislead you than you are NTA. If you are making dumb assumptions or knew that he was behind on the child support than YTA

Both are A-holes. Him for not paying his responsibility and for keeping it hidden/not being transparent. And her for feeling “physically ill” because she was expecting a bunch of money and got THAT disappointed.
Yes I understand the lack of trust would contribute to that feeling, but it’s not the end of the world and should not be the end of the marriage. Especially not in the eyes of God. The marriage is absolutely salvageable.
Food for thought: my comments would be the same if the roles were reversed

NTA but he is with significant character flaws. He did not use ‘logic’, he manipulated you. You and his kid was and will be put on the back burner while his needs remain the priority. There were zero conversations about a team approach re: ‘his’ problem. Him being angry at you takes the cake: He acts like you are not intelligent, can be used and need to learn what is for your own good. How does this sit with you?! Gain clarity and create the life you want.

NTA because you’ve been blindsided by something huge that affects your finances and your relationship. And rightfully so. This is a major issue that should have been discussed long before the refund came in.

But let’s be honest, your husband is not handling this well at all. He didn’t just keep you in the dark, he made the decision for both of you, and now he’s trying to gaslight you into feeling like you should just be grateful it’s paid off.

How did you not know he wasn’t paying child support ? Didn’t his ex mention anything ?

Tbh, I would be pissed about the money, but I would even more pissed that he has no problem with not taking financial responsibilty for his child and that his ex had to take care of things all about herself. Not to mention the fact that if you’re in the US, he could actually get arrested for this.

Does he even see his child ?

NTA.

Financial abuse is real abuse, and because it’s not always recognized, serves as an effective gateway to other types of abuse. The way he responded to your very valid feelings is him showing you who he really is. As someone who has been there and stayed way too long, I would advise anyone in this situation to leave and not look back.

Your husband knew this would happen which is why he wanted to file joint ly and did not pay any child support. He’s also a deadbeat for not paying child support in the first place. I’d suggest a divorce, but just don’t expect him to pay to support the kids you have with him either.

Did you utilize any part of his income? Or did you in any way fuss about money? Do you make sure he has time to spend with his kid without negative consequences from you?
Unless your answer is no to all of these questions, then my answer is yes you are the AH.

What would you even think of yourself as the AH here? You don’t just become in arrears overnight for that high of an amount without notice. He definitely knew he was behind and hid that from you. Your feelings are completely valid and he’s the major AH here.

Nope, you’re not the asshole. You have every right to be upset he hid a big debt and your refund got used without you knowing. It’s not about the money, it’s about trust. And him brushing off your feelings? That’s a huge red flag.

Esh. This is why you don’t marry deadbeat dads who refuse to pay child support despite being able to afford it. He’s scamming his child and the woman he got pregnant, why wouldn’t you expect to be scammed as well?

Honestly, I’m not surprised he’s angry at you, 7000 dollars in unpaid child support is enough to tell me the dudes a deadbeat piece of shit! I hope all the advice given puts you on the right path 🫡

“ I should be grateful the child support is now paid off because it means he can contribute more money each month.”

If he wasn’t paying before, then it doesn’t make any difference …

NTA. It’s intentional. He will do it again. He made it clear that now it’s your responsibility to pay his child support. And, no he won’t contribute more, he will rely on you financially.

Your husband knew and didn’t tell you bc had you known you wouldn’t have filed jointly. This is a classic example of how men can use women for money too and how they can be opportunist.

NTA

You’re dealing with a man who doesn’t pay child support and tricked you into paying it.

He is a POS.

Don’t expect him to be any better than he has already shown. He won’t be.

NTA however, you now know you’re married to a man that thinks it’s ok to be so behind on supporting his own children… it’s up to you what you wanna do with that info

I’m sorry but if it was me he would be paying you back for that money taken out. One way or another way. Do you really want to be with some that’s dead beat?

He won’t support his CHILD and you are expecting him to support you? If you haven’t already, ensure you do not have any children with this guy.

Your husband KNOWINGLY did this to you, and now he is gaslighting you about it.

NTA Now that you know his character, consider a divorce.

Contact the IRS and complete an Injured Spouse complaint. This happened to me with my then husband. The IRS sent me back my half.

how does he contribute more money if he was never paying it?

I am sorry it sounds like you have a deadbeat on your hands.

You married a dude who prefers not to pay child support. Are you going to separate or continue to just deal with that?

He knew exactly what would happen. He’s a calculating and manipulative AH.

I’m sorry, you’ve been played.

Divorced father of now grown children. Parents that don’t pay their child support are fucking degenerates.

LOLOL
You used you to pay off his debt and he is mad at you?

Time to go let him learn the hard way.

Deadbeat dad. Get out b4 you add to the flirtilla of single mothers not receiving child support.

NTA

Lesson Learned, file separately next year and separate your finances.

YTA for marrying a deadbeat tbh. Should have seen this coming a mile away.

Your entitled to your return.
He owes you.
Good luck getting.

NTA but you shouldn’t date a man who isn’t a good father.

Fill out the Injured Spouse Allocation form.
NTA.

Take your stuff off and don’t share finances

You can still file the injured spouse form.

File injured spouse with IRS it’ll help.

You are married to a deadbeat POS.

Why did you marry a deadbeat dad

Send his ass back to the streets