When OP informed her boyfriend of the pregnancy and her decision not to continue it, he reacted with anger, accusing her of keeping a secret and insisting they had a responsibility to the life they created. Following a heated argument where he threatened to end the relationship if she pursued an abortion, the boyfriend threw an object and left, subsequently sharing sensitive details about the situation with her roommate. OP is now facing intense pressure from her boyfriend, isolation from her roommates, and the logistical and financial challenges of obtaining an out-of-state abortion in a restrictive state, leaving her uncertain and feeling trapped.
I found out I was pregnant on Friday. It was not planned. I’m in my final year of community college (planning on transferring to a 4 year university this fall) and having a baby is not on my bingo card.
I live paycheck to paycheck and I’m already in debt for having student loans. I live with two roommates as it is and I still struggle because I work part time at a fast food place.
My boyfriend 29m and I have been together since January and even though I was on birth control, he refused to wear condoms and claimed they hurt him. I missed my period for March and again for April and ended up taking a pregnancy test.
My head has been spinning and I decided to tell my boyfriend today about this and my decision. His response was “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me right away” and he seemed upset that I didn’t tell him exactly when I got the positive pregnancy test.
I was telling him I needed time to process it and he got kind of mad and said “You kept a secret from me. I need to know you’re making the right choices for our baby” and tried to end the conversation there.
I said no, I’m not ready to be a mom. Financially, emotionally, physically. I have a bachelor’s degree to finish and I’m living off student loans and making $11 an hour at Subway. I said I didn’t want to stay pregnant and was looking at traveling out of state to get an abortion and he got ANGRY.
He said we “made a life and we have a responsibility to it” and tried to tell me I couldn’t get an abortion or we were over. I said he cannot control what I do with my body and that just made him even more angry.
He threw a soda bottle at me and left my apartment all angry. He ended up texting my roommate who introduced us and called me a “murderer” and told my roommate all of my business when I didn’t want anyone to know.
Now one of my roommate’s is mad at me for bringing “drama” and “making their friendship awkward” and the other one wants nothing to do with it.
I live in a very red state that has banned abortion pretty much. Neither of my roommates are willing or wanting to help because they don’t want to get “in the middle” of my situation, and my own family isn’t either.
My parents are very conservative/Christian and would blow their tops if they knew about this.
My boyfriend texted me that I was “killing an innocent life” and a bunch of other things I don’t agree with. He made sure to tell me I would “regret this” and that terrifies me. I feel so trapped.
Every part of me knows I’m not ready to bring a child into the world, I can barely pay rent and afford groceries some months without going to my campus food bank, I’m trying to finish school, and I don’t even have a car.
I want to to actually keep my future open but I feel really trapped and alone.
My boyfriend started demanding my parent’s numbers so he can tell them how “shameful” I am and how we’re “done” if I go through with this (which will honestly be a blessing in disguise) but I also don’t want my parents to know because I will lose what very little support I do have from them.
I now have to figure out how I’m going to afford traveling out of state, taking time off work, all of the other things I’m probably not thinking about right now. I managed to get an appointment scheduled but I also don’t know exactly how far along I am or how this is all going to play out now that my boyfriend is angry and neither one of my roommates seem to have my back.
AITAH for wanting to get an abortion despite my boyfriend wanting me to keep it and have his baby?
Conclusion
OP is currently in a highly stressful and unsupported position, caught between her clear understanding of her financial and personal inability to raise a child and the intense emotional demands and control exerted by her boyfriend. Her desire to prioritize her education and future stability directly conflicts with his insistence on immediate parenthood based on their short relationship.
The core debate centers on bodily autonomy versus perceived shared responsibility in an unplanned pregnancy. Is OP justified in prioritizing her established life goals and financial reality by seeking an abortion, or does the shared context of conception create an unavoidable obligation to continue the pregnancy as demanded by her partner?
Here’s how people reacted:
Run far and run fast. You were frankly taken advantage of by a guy half again your age…you aren’t his first 19/20 year old and you won’t be the last. You may not even be the first one he knocked up.
Ditch him, and talk to the doctor about GOOD contraceptives. Right now, it’s covered under any health insurance plan. That may change. Get that taken care of asap.
The only reason a 29 year old is going out with a 20 yo is because you are naive enough to believe his bullcrap. Condoms do not hurt. If they do, he needs to see a doctor. There are non latex ones, different sizes etc, so absolutely no excuse. He probably messed with your pills as well to try and baby trap you.
I really hope you manage to travel and stay safe in the process.
Also, him throwing a soda bottle is a MAJOR red flag. MAJOR. As is him demanding contact info for your family and running to your friends to badmouth you. He’s trying to control you, and leveraging any tools he can to do so. That in and of itself is abuse. Throwing a soda bottle is foreshadowing for physical abuse. Get away from this guy.
Also, just letting you know now, men who usually say condoms hurt just want to hit it raw because it feels better. It doesn’t seem like you’re pro-life so it’s not the best idea to be sleeping with a pro-lifer who refuses to use condoms….
Have the baby and put it up for adoption if you aren’t ready to be a parent. There are plenty of families out there that can’t have children. You can start looking for a family that will adopt now. There are so many organizations and resources at your disposal to make that happen. You don’t need to kill an unborn baby to finish your bachelor’s degree.
As far as the dude, leave him. He sounds controlling and manipulative as fuck.
Go out of state get that abortion and block this guy on everything. He is crazy!
Their mask always slips when you get pregnant.
He sees you as his property and nothing more.
Move out and get new roommates too. As long as yoh live there you are not safe from this man.
They will not protect you from his abuse, they’ll probably let him into the apartment.
He wants to trap you with a child TO him.
He is trying to lock you down as his property forever.
If you don’t have the abortion HE WILL TRY TO CONTROL YOU WITH THAT CHILD for the rest of your life.
THAT’s his end game. You can’t allow that.
EX-bf. ASAP.
Good luck.
NTA
Please leave him. The age gap is super-concerning here. He targeted you because of your age and figured you’d be easy to control.
Thankfully, I live in a state we’re abortion is still legal. I wish you the best of luck. You’re doing what is best for you.
Regrets are important to consider, but I see a LOT of regret if you let him scare you into changing your mind.
Block him on everything and get that abortion by any means necessary – he is absolutely one of those men who wanted laws blocking abortion because he enjoys controlling younger women.
Get him out of your life and don’t look back.
You miscarried by the stress he caused and Block him. You are not shameful! Go to another state to be taken care of. I’m so sorry you are surrounded by these people.
I hope you deal with that decision every day of your life.
NTA
Leave him and never look back.