Following their anniversary, the girlfriend expressed disappointment, revealing she had hoped the OP would propose, believing it would signify deep love and commitment. When the OP pushed for concrete benefits, she cited commitment and security, which the OP countered by detailing how marriage would introduce financial risk primarily to him. The OP is now struggling with how to proceed after firmly re-establishing his stance against marriage.
Me and my girlfriend have been together for 4 years. At the beginning of our relationship, I told her that marriage wasn’t in the cards for me as I don’t see how it would benefit me in any way.
She seemed to understand and accept this. For some background, I’m a Software Engineer at a pretty big hedge fund so I’m living fairly comfortable. My girlfriend works as a potter, she doesn’t bring in much income but she loves it and it makes me happy to see her working a job she loves.
However it’s no secret that if we married and then divorced, I would be royally f*cked.
Last week was our anniversary and she seemed a little disappointed the next morning. When I asked her why, she explained that we’d been together for a while and she was hoping I would propose.
When I asked her why she thought I would do that when I made my feelings about marriage known. She said that marriage still isn’t a “requirement” for her but part of her hoped I would love her enough to change my mind.
I didn’t want to let this fester and affect our relationship so I sat us both down at the kitchen table and asked her, then and there how marriage would benefit me. She went on about things like “show of commitment” but I countered saying that the act of being together for 4 years, is, itself a show of commitment.
She also mentioned “security” and I asked her “Security for who?” because the way I see it, I feel MORE secure being unmarried since it would allow for a clean break. No division of assets, no alimony, no courts etc.
Her idea of “security” was security for *her* saying things like “It would make it harder for us to leave each other”…No, it makes it harder for ME to leave her but if anything it gives her **incentive** to leave me since at any time she could walk away with half of everything I earned during the marriage.
Another point she brought up was kids. She said she wants security in the event we have kids. To be clear, we also decided at the beginning of our relationship that neither of us **need** to have kids.
If it happens, it happens but we’re not actively trying. I explained why that mattered since I would be an active father regardless of whether we split in the future, and she planned on going back to work immediately after maternity leave so it wouldn’t even really heavily impact her career.
And before anyone brings it up, we have cleaners to handle most home tasks. The only “chore” we’re really responsible for is cooking which we split. If we had a baby, I would hire a full time nanny when she returned to work.
She did make a few good points about medical power of attorney and tax cuts. But I can give her medical power of attorney through other legal means, and getting married wouldn’t really affect how I’m taxed anyway, not enough to justify the risk of marriage.
At the end of the conversation when I had made it clear there weren’t really any good reasons for me to get married, she seemed like she understood but I can tell it’s still bothering her.
Also to add, we don’t live somewhere that recognises common law.
TL;DR: AITAH for explaining to my girlfriend that there’s really no upside for me in getting married?
Conclusion
The core conflict rests between the OP’s pragmatic, risk-averse view of marriage, which prioritizes his financial autonomy, and his girlfriend’s desire for the symbolic security and commitment that marriage traditionally represents to her. The OP successfully defended his position logically, but this clarity has left his partner emotionally unsatisfied.
The relationship faces a critical juncture: can the couple find a non-marital arrangement that satisfies the girlfriend’s need for demonstrable commitment without forcing the OP into a legally risky situation, or is the fundamental disagreement on the purpose and structure of their commitment irreconcilable?
Here’s how people reacted:
1. **Dismissal of Emotional Needs**: Your girlfriend expressed her feelings and hopes about marriage, which are deeply emotional and personal. By focusing solely on the logical benefits for yourself, you may have dismissed her emotional needs and the significance of marriage to her.
2. **Lack of Compromise**: Relationships are about compromise and understanding each other’s perspectives. By not considering her viewpoint and sticking rigidly to your stance, it can come across as selfish and unyielding.
3. **Security and Commitment**: While you see your four-year relationship as a commitment, marriage can symbolize a deeper level of commitment and security for many people. It’s not just about legal benefits but also about emotional security and societal recognition.
4. **Power Dynamics**: The way you framed the conversation—asking her to justify how marriage benefits you—can come across as a power play. It might make her feel like she has to prove her worth and the value of the relationship, which can be hurtful and demeaning.
5. **Ignoring Her Sacrifices**: Your girlfriend’s career as a potter might not bring in as much income, but it’s something she loves. By focusing on the financial risks of marriage, you might be overlooking the emotional and personal sacrifices she’s made for the relationship.
In essence, while your concerns about the practical aspects of marriage are valid, it’s important to also consider and respect your partner’s emotional needs and the symbolic value of marriage. Balancing both perspectives is key to a healthy and supportive relationship.
We had colonized a planet. There, people did not get married. What they did do was sign contracts. Contracts could be for 5, 10…any number of years the 2 decide on. So, you sign a 5 year contract and at the end, if you don’t want to renew, each walks away with what they came into it with, dividing evenly anything accrued during the contract. In this way, couples treated each other better, in hopes of getting contract renewal.
I’ve always thought it was a good system to keep people treating each other proper, if they wanted contract renewal.
Anyway, NTAH
I do feel if marriage is something she really needs, maybe you should discuss parting ways.
The whole baby “if it happens it happens” stance, is childish. Protect yourself from pregnancy, or put on your big boy pants and step up to the plate. A child deserves committed parents and if you can’t commit to being a spouse, how could she trust you to be a committed father? I mean, you could just walk away and throw a few hundred her way monthly. No Mother wants that for her child.
You can value your money more than her if that’s what makes you happy, but she deserves someone who trusts and loves her, and I don’t think you trust her. She deserves better.
BTW, it’s called a prenup. Ever hear of those?
Reading this has made me feel so good! My partner has always been like you. Has never wanted to get married. Could not see the benefits. *Always* scoffed.
Then I came along! We’re not married, but he is intensely (subtly 🤫) figuring out the sort of jewellery I like.
He talks about hypothetical husbands more than he does boyfriends. That sort of thing.
All this to say, maybe it’s really not for you, or, maybe, you just don’t love her enough? The prospect of losing her doesn’t scare you, and until you find someone who does, you’re not going to change your mind.
I personally wasn’t a marrying kind either but then I met my husband and after 6 months found it unbearable to refer to him as my boyfriend. Boyfriend seemed so small for what he was to me. That’s the reason I wanted to get married. Maybe that’s the kind of commitment she is talking about.
You could get a prenup. Ideally with an infidelity clause. Why should she stay with you when you give her zero security? Do you want kids? Do you want her to just spend tons of work in to raising those kids for just room and board and a few nice presents here and there? How’s that different from some nobleman’s favorite house slave?
Marriage is a topic I cannot talk about with my American friends because to them it’s the goal of a relationship while for me it’s just a piece of paper with no value lol
You are not compatible. This is not going to be the last time she brings this up.
You either want marriage, or you don’t. This “not a requirement but if you don’t propose it means you don’t love me enough” really just translates to “I really want you to change your mind”.
NTA in terms of being clear about your lines and boundaries and expectations. NTA in terms of having lines and boundaries and expectations.
Kinda the asshole for making her pitch a deal to you. Not unwarranted, but funny, and… kinda assholey. I get it, though. I hope she gets the message. Seems like she expected she could wait you out. Oooops.
If I was her, I’d bail before she wastes any more time on you. The risk she is taking by even staying with you is way too great and of absolutely no benefit to her.
So realistically aside from money, you really seem to offer nothing to her of any value.
I wish we could ask the girlfriend how not marrying benefits her. Perhaps she should start asking herself. Why stay?
And YTAH ’cause this looks like some incel rage bait
She said the quiet part loud— she wants financial security.
You could get married with a prenup, but not getting married at all is even safer.
No, there is literally no benefit to marriage for the person who makes way more money.
She has been clear that marriage is important to her.
Please don’t have children with her, she deserves better.
As expected
Good man
Note: I’m happily married and I’m aware of the contradiction 🤣
but atp it’s either a breakup or marriage with prenup 🤷🏻♀️ there’s no point staying in a relationship when u both clearly want different things
Good luck to both of you, for different reasons.