The OP agreed to host the playdate at her home, refusing the mother’s offer to host at their residence. When the mother insisted on staying during the playdate, the OP confronted her directly about her criminal history and drug use, stating she was uncomfortable having her in the house. This confrontation led to the mother becoming angry, accusing the OP of feeling superior, and storming off while leaving her son behind. The OP is now facing conflict with her husband, who believes she handled the situation poorly, and is asking if she was in the wrong.
My husband (28m) and I (27f) have a five year old son, who just started kindergarten this past fall. He has met a boy named Sam, who he has decided is his best friend.
My son has had a lot of playdates in the past, because we tried hard to socialize him well from a young age. He has been asking if his friend Sam can come over for a playdate. Sure, no problem.
I wrote a note with my name and number for Sam to give to his mom.
I get a Facebook friend request from Sam’s mom, who appears to be.. a methany. I work in healthcare, and recognized the sores on her face from picking. It’s pretty obvious from her Facebook that she is on some kind of drugs, and maybe has mental health issues.
Out of curiosity I looked up her name in our county’s jail view record, and yup, long history. Drug possession, fraud, prostitution, theft, battery, obstruction of justice. It’s not great.
Anyways, I didn’t want to let who his mom is get in the way of our kids playing together. But there was no way in hell I’d let my son go over to their house for a playdate, despite her offering.
I played it off as me being overprotective and him being my only child, to not offend her. She laughed, and said if you have more you’ll learn to be less overprotective (she has five kids) but agreed to a playdate at my house.
The park was also an option, but she said my house was fine. The weather is very cold here right now, so indoors over the park makes sense.
Sunday comes over, I let the boy in. I mentioned she could come back in a few hours to pick him up. Whenever works for her, and I’d be sure to feed them both lunch. I asked if he has any food allergies, she says no.
But she insisted on staying.
I tried to make up a silly excuse, said I had a headache and would watch the boys diligently, but that I’m not really in the mood to hang out. She insisted that it would be great for us to get to know each other.
Since the boys were out of earshot, already in the playroom. I stepped outside and quietly told her that I had looked up her criminal record, and I just don’t feel comfortable having someone in my home with theft charges and an obvious drug problem.
I said if that’s a problem we could just meet at the park from then on, but the boys get along so I hope it’s not a problem. I admit I was maybe a bit harsh and too the point.
She kind of yelled at me and said I think that I’m better than her, which maybe I do, and that I don’t know anything. She stormed off, her son still in the house. I checked with the kids to make sure they didn’t hear anything.
When she came back she just honked her horn, and refused to come to the door. My husband kind of thinks I’m an asshole, he’s always been very gentle and kind. He thinks I should’ve just watched her like a hawk.
I told him I don’t want to forcefully subject myself to that kind of person, and I shouldn’t have to be on guard about some crackhead stealing our stuff.
AITAH?
Conclusion
The central conflict revolves around the OP’s strong desire to protect her child from potential danger associated with the friend’s mother, versus the need to manage social interactions gracefully and maintain peace with her husband. The OP prioritized her perceived safety and boundary setting by directly confronting the mother, leading to an immediate and hostile fallout.
The core question remains whether the OP was justified in confronting the mother about her past and lifestyle, risking the friendship, or if she should have maintained civility for the sake of the children’s relationship, as her husband suggested. Should the OP have simply tolerated the mother’s presence or is absolute distance the correct response when serious safety concerns are present?
Here’s how people reacted:
NTA for letting her kid come over for a play date. Again, good mom and possibly giving that kid a break from a rough home life.
NTA for not wanting to be her friend.
YTA for how you handled it. You seem more concerned about the criminal record than the drugs, which is weird. But, you could have said listen, the boys can play, I will be supervising, but I have work to do and don’t have time to socialize today. Maybe some other time (she doesn’t need to know that you have no intention of some other time). You definitely did come off as thinking you’re better than her and being judgey, which at least you acknowledged you do think that.
But her saying you don’t know anything makes me wonder what the rest of her story is. And yes, I am extremely familiar with addicts and their behavior tendencies. But you didn’t need to make to her feel bad by throwing her criminal record in her face.
You honestly didn’t need to look that up. You said you recognized the physical signs of meth, so why look up criminal records? Just to be nosy.
Would you EVER let your young son go over for a playdate to someone else’s house who you have only ever interacted with via a single phone call and not have them be supervised by yourself or the child’s other parent? Why would you think that this mother would or should be any different?
She should understand that she has made mistakes in her life. People will judge her for those mistakes and she will need to prove to people she is trustworthy before being blindly trusted. She shouldn’t have made a scene where the kids could have potentially overheard. She also shouldn’t have trusted leaving her child there with someone who looks down on her like that and that she has only talked to amicably one time, even if it would hurt the kids’ friendship.
You should have insisted on the playdate at the park from the start. It was easily foreseeable that she would want to stay with her child and you knew beforehand that you wouldn’t have wanted that. It should never have been an option.
But you could have very easily invited her in for a cup of tea. You could have shown her what kindnesses looked like. It sound like she’s trying to do something right for her son -some moment of normalcy. But your entire post comes off so judgmental. “I should have to be on guard about some crackhead.” If she was such a crackhead, she wouldn’t have custody of her kids.
YTA you are unwilling to give someone a little grace. And the real winner would have been her son, but there’s no way she’s bringing him back.
FWIW saying you “work in healthcare,” doesn’t mean you’re a clinician who is able to diagnose mental health and addiction. I worked in “healthcare” and never saw a single patient. You used that statement to justify your point.
You came off like a busybody snob. I personally would have seen this as an opportunity to model your parenting values for her. Unfortunately your values are to insult and embarrass someone who is clearly sober enough to drive her kid to your house, try to bond with her sons friends mom, and give her kid as healthy of a childhood as possible.
Guess how many playdates the kids of addicts that I grew up with got to go on… none because their parents wouldn’t stop being selfish enough to take the time to set them up.
I agree you should be very hesitant to have your kid visit her house but the final decision should come after getting to know her. You just raced straight into judgement.
Honestly, you might have to tell your kid that the friendship might be over cause I can see him and the woman’s son getting pulled into the middle of what is now probably beef between you and her. So yea
As a parent, you will need, at some point, to accept that your child is going to be their own human. The fact that you already put this friend’s parent into “crackhead stealing our stuff” territory isn’t doing right by his friendship.
There could have been a better way to communicate the concern before the playdate, and when she asked to hang around, you needed to be clear that you were not planning on hosting a parent, not that you had a headache.
As a parent, you can understand that you’d want to perhaps monitor your kid in someone else’s environment to get a feel/vibe. After all, she doesn’t know you either.
Being willing to have the kids play together and not let parents get in the way is NTA and definitely the most important part. I applaud you for that.
Telling her she wasn’t welcome in your home from jump because you’d more or less slightly stalked her is kinda of YTA. That could have waited until maybe time 2 or 3?
I think you could have done some things differently but overall you’re not wrong. Factually or morally.
Your first job as a parent is to protect your kid, your family, your home.
My uncle took everything out from under my grandmother and left her homeless on her deathbed. A few other addicts in my family I love more than anything but I still would trust them to water my plants let alone be around my kid.
She made the decision to engage with substances, and commit crimes, repeatedly. She faces the consequences. She probably didn’t expect this to be one of them.
“People change” – sure but if it’s a consistent pattern and her most recent arrest was just a couple months ago, maybe she should stay changed a little longer. Because it takes more than days, weeks, or months, to break a pattern.
She made an effort to get to know you and wanted to stay with her kid. That behavior doesn’t exactly fit the person you described. You judged her based on a Facebook page and some arrests you know nothing about.
YES, u are the a$& hole!!!!
If you are that afraid of the parent, you shouldn’t deal with the child.cause there is no way in he!!. if I was the mom of your son’s play date if I can’t come in there, and I don’t know you and then you tell me you don’t want me to come in your house because of my background what the funk!!!
This way you dont have to worry her being in your house that you know you dont want her to be there.
I laughed. And one conversation with her was enough for me anyway.
I probably would have left with my child
I wouldn’t want that in my house
Or around my kid
Sorry way way way too much baggage
Yeah you suck.