This statement immediately caused tension, leading to criticism from several family members, including the OP’s mother, who accused the OP of being insensitive and elitist regarding the sanctity of having children regardless of financial readiness. The OP is now left questioning the wisdom of speaking their mind openly about such a sensitive family matter.
I was at a family lunch when my sister-in-law mentioned that she wants to have another child, even though she already has two and can barely pay the bills. I said something like, ‘I think it’s irresponsible to have more children when you can’t support the ones you already have.’
This led to an awkward silence, and then several people started attacking me, saying that I was being insensitive and that “children are a blessing, not a financial issue.” My mother said I was being elitist and that not everyone has perfect conditions, but they still deserve to have a family.
I believe that bringing children into the world without guaranteeing a minimum of stability is unfair to them. But now I’m feeling a little guilty for saying it out loud. Was I an idiot for expressing my opinion?
Conclusion
The core conflict for the OP lies between their strong belief that financial stability should precede having more children and the strong emotional reaction from their family, who prioritize the emotional and social value of family expansion over practical financial concerns. This has led to feelings of guilt despite the OP standing by their fundamental belief.
The central question for debate remains whether it is appropriate, or even justifiable, for an individual to voice a firm, practical objection to a close family member’s reproductive plans based on economic concerns, or if such comments cross an inviolable boundary of familial support and non-judgment.
Here’s how people reacted:
When I was very young, my mother remarried. At the time, she had my brother & I, and my step-father had a young daughter. Apparently, they talked about having children together, but ultimately decided that they already had three children between them for whom they bore responsibility.
Contrast that with my BFF’s mother. When she remarried, she and her current husband had FIVE children between them (three of them hers, two of them his) and they celebrated their union by having a sixth. They could barely afford the children they had, and adding a half-sister to the mix? They made it “work” by offloading the parenting onto my BFF: car-pooling, baby-sitting, cooking dinner… If her mom had had her way, BFF would have put off college to continue being the household drudge and unpaid nanny. As it was, BFF had to leave for college when her mom was out of the house one afternoon – it really was like running away. She’s never returned to her mother’s since for anything longer than a few days.
Neither my BFF nor I came from well-to-do families; if you looked strictly at the numbers, we were probably poor. But “making it work” vs “having children you KNOW you can’t afford” are two very different things, and your sister should know that. Maybe your timing wasn’t the greatest, but NTA.
You are correct, people shouldn’t be bringing children into this world if they can’t support them. HOWEVER, and this is important, if you were to implement that kind of restriction, you’d inadvertently be supporting eugenics. The problem is that, because of multiple factors like institutionalized racism, people of color are disproportionately more likely to be lower income, meaning they’d be much less likely to be able to support a family. Thus, when your mom said “not everyone has perfect conditions”, she was partially right to point out that’s a problem.
Funny enough, this is also why Elon’s mom telling everyone to have as many children as possible is extremely transparent. Upper classes can only exist on the backs of the so-called lower classes, so the latter must have children for the former to survive.
So while I wouldn’t say you’re an idiot for expressing your opinion, I will say that you may not have thought about all the repercussions of such a concept.
Tell them it is incredibly selfish to have kids that you cannot provide financial and emotional stability for.
It is selfish to have kids when you are struggling and juggling 2 3 jobs barely making it and cannot devote enough time to raise them.
It is selfish to have kids into broken homes, especially when either mother and father are not present or interested to be in its life from the conception.
Kids are a blessing only when you bless their life with good things, love and memories.
Bringing them into this world and setting them up for a life of struggle and stress is again selfish.
1. Not everyone chooses when they become parents. Should every accidental pregnancy be aborted?
2. If children become a luxury only high earners can afford, there won’t be enough people to replace the current population. Should wealthy women be forced into breeding a dozen kids to cover the shortfall?
3. Being a mother should be financially supported through tax revenue. Mothers are literally sacrificing themselves to create the future, and they’re demonised for it. We’ve created a society where the most important job is not only unpaid, it’s seen as being lazy.
But let’s face it, if your SIL is ready to put her two children in a more dire situation just because she wants more kids, she’s just selfish, so reasoning with her is useless. She’ll do what she wants whatever the consequences, like way too many people.
Sister in law because your right bringing kids into the world om purpose knowing you can’t afford them is selfish.
But also you because you can be right and still be wrong when you don’t know to keep your mouth shut….
If you really felt you HAD to say something at a family gathering infront of everyone ( maybe even her kids) is not the time ! Plus, your brother is involved in making
a kid maybe talk to him privately??
I wish we were all blessed w trust funds and 1% money. The reality is we aren’t. We may never be able to afford any care. Talk to the government about these inequities.
Children are not accessories that you *get to have*. They’re human beings that you need to take care of and care for.
What a disgustingly selfish take from your mother
and sister.
NTA.
NTA.
Yes, unexpected pregnancies happen, sometimes without recourse. But blatantly planning another one when you know you cannot support yourself and your family is a very different thing.
Bringing kids into the world you can’t provide for *is* irresponsible.
Hell, it’s irresponsible to get a *pet* you can’t adequately provide for and if the worst comes to the worst at least you can rehome those.
Let’s nornaloze being vocal about that