The boyfriend reacted negatively to this boundary, stating he did not want to get married due to fears of financial loss in divorce. When the OP firmly maintained her position, stating that no marriage meant no shared finances and no children, the boyfriend became very upset, claiming she was punishing him. The OP is now left questioning if her stance on marrying before having children is justified given the emotional distress it has caused.
My boyfriend (33m) and I (31f) have been dating for seven years. Early on we talked about marriage, kids, a house, the whole shebang.
I like kids and I think I’d be a good mother. I’d like to have children but I wouldn’t be upset if I didn’t have any. I’m happy with my life as is, and I could be happy with children as well.
My boyfriend has always dreamed of being a dad, and recently suggested that we’re in the place to start trying for some.
I was a little confused by this. I told him early on, within the first year, that I would never have children with a man that I’m not married to. I feel like children are a much bigger commitment than marriage, so marriage should come first.
Additionally, if a man doesn’t love me and isn’t committed enough to spending the rest of our lives together, I don’t see why I wouldn’t make the sacrifice of bearing his children?
Maybe it’s old fashioned of me. I explained all of this to him, once again.
He was awkward, and said he just doesn’t want to get married. He said men get screwed over in divorces all the time, and he just doesn’t think marriage is important or a smart choice.
I said that’s fine. We don’t have to get married. I’m happy with our life as is. We just won’t be buying a house together or having children together. We can each buy our own house and live in one, and rent out the other.
If we aren’t getting married I don’t want to really entangle our finances in any way.
He blew up at me and said I’m punishing him for not waiting to marry him. I said I’m not, just that having children outside of marriage goes outside of my personal values.
I also told him that since he’s super against the idea of marriage I am not going to marry him just for a shut up ring, that he only gives me because he wants kids. I want him to actually want to marry me, and if not, that’s okay.
Children and marriage are off the table for us. If he wants kids now he needs to leave me and find someone who will have kids for him without expecting any stability in return. And maybe I could find someone who wants to marry me, and maybe or maybe not have kids.
I said all of this to him.
He’s been very distressed and emotionally distraught. He has a disease that very much so limits his life expectancy. He has said that if he doesn’t have kids asap he probably shouldn’t have them at all, because otherwise he wouldn’t be able to see them into adulthood.
Conclusion
The OP is facing a difficult crossroads where her fundamental personal values regarding commitment and family structure directly clash with her boyfriend’s desire to become a father quickly, especially given his concerns about his limited life expectancy. Her actions stem from a desire for security and a belief in traditional relational steps, while her boyfriend feels constrained by these prerequisites.
The central issue is whether the boyfriend’s urgent biological desire, amplified by health concerns, overrides the OP’s non-negotiable requirement for legal commitment before parenthood. Should the OP compromise her deeply held values for the sake of her partner’s dream, or is she correct in insisting that the terms of their shared future must align with her established boundaries?
Here’s how people reacted:
He doesn’t respect you or your feelings and personal boundaries. At this point I would assume any change in his behavior, no matter how sincere, is an act to get what he wants. A “shut up” ring, as you put it. Frankly, he doesn’t sound mature enough to be in a serious relationship, let alone have children. The fact that he has a shorter life expectancy isn’t justification to treat you like a brood mare. I know it’s cliché on reddit to say “leave him” but I honestly question why you would put up with someone who was treating you like they put in enough hours to get rental dibs on your womb while disregarding how you feel about it.
He’s an idiot to think that not being married is going to leave him less screwed in a breakup if there are children. Sure, he might get away with no alimony or spousal support, but there’s still child support.
Why would you stay with someone who is comfortable not supporting you if you sacrificed your body and career to have children with him?
Most of the guys complaining about how their exes screwed them can fix that by taking primary or 50/50 custody. They’d rather play fun weekend/once a month dad then complain that kids cost money.
Also, if he’s got a short life expectancy, you’d have to plan to single parent if you had kids. If you don’t have kids and you stay with him, will you be lonely without a family or partner when he passes?
You seem smart enough to have already thought these points through though. Don’t let anybody guilt or pressure you into having kids. It’s not like you can change your mind later on and shove them back up there!
My partner felt the same so we married. And now with this knowledge Im even more sure if it.
My pregnancy was hard, I couldnt get someone too take over my buisness when pregnant and for maternity leave. So I had to close my buisness.
Im not regretting pregnancy or starting this life but as a woman you need to have security. And a partner that is willing to understand what getting pregnant and (maybe) sacrifice your career is.
If u dont believe in marriage, ok , but dont expect a partner too stick around if they do.
Marriage implies a certain level of permanence, although people get divorced all the time. Its almost become a… social preference… now. You don’t want a babydaddy, or to be his last-chance incubator. You want a fully engaged husband and father. And as the person who undergoes the greatest risk in this, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to have that condition.
He wants you to grow a whole person, in your body, but can’t marry you?
NTA
Marriage is not just a sentimental formality either – it has many legal protections and benefits like being able to move internationally together or share health insurance that IMO are important to have before building a life together with someone. Honestly it’s a basic respect thing. And why would he even be thinking about divorce if he wants to stay with you for kids
It’s really sketchy to me that he’s so avoidant of marriage just because of men getting screwed in divorces. I don’t want to give that typical redditor response of “he’s cheating on you,” but maybe there’s something he isn’t telling you?
Try to have him sit down with you and really discuss his reasoning for not wanting to get married. Maybe he had a bad experience happen to a friend or family member regarding marriage/divorce?
NTA. But I don’t know how women put up with men like that. I truly don’t. How do you do it? How do you see so much selfishness and still stay in a relationship with him? How?
Do you want to marry someone and have children with a man that has a shortened life expectancy (grief is difficult enough without bringing kids into the mix)
He refuses to make a legal contract with you which would protect you and accord you certain rights.
And since he believes he’s going to die soon that makes it doubly important. Frankly he should marry you just for himself so he had someone who can help with legal decisions and care as his health goes.
Stop compromising.
Good on you for holding a boundary
Do not give in