AITAH for telling my boyfriend I wouldn’t date him if he was trans

The user, an 18-year-old female (OP), was in a two-year relationship with her 19-year-old boyfriend (C). While their relationship was generally positive, a conflict arose when C posed a hypothetical question: whether OP would still date him if he transitioned to a woman.

OP, identifying as a cisgender straight female, honestly stated that she would not date a trans woman because she is only attracted to men. C reacted with anger, accusing her of being transphobic and demanding she leave his house. The immediate aftermath involved four days of no contact, causing concern among mutual friends. OP is now left questioning her reaction and whether her honest statement about sexual orientation constitutes discrimination.

AITAH for telling my boyfriend I wouldn't date him if he was trans

I (18F) have been dating my bf, C (19M) for about two years. Our relationship is usually pretty good, but recently we had this really weird conflict where I feel like I’m being gaslighted into feeling like the villain.

The other day, me and C were at his house, watching tv, and then he suddenly asked me. “Would you still date me if I was trans?” I am 100% a cishet girl, and although I am an ally, I wouldn’t date a trans-girl, even if she was my SO before the transition.

I told him something along the lines of “No, because I’m not attracted to women”. Then he got really weird and angry. He started talking about how it shouldn’t matter what gender he was because I loved him and we have been dating for a long time.

Then he called me transphobic. I was really taken aback by this attack because of a hypothetical statement, so I told him it wasn’t transphobic to not want to date someone of a gender you’re not attracted to.

Then I asked im why he was getting his pages in a bunch because of this weird scenario. He told me to leave the house. That was 4 days ago and now although the typical Redditor scenario of his grandma’s dog texted us ranting or something didn’t happen, our friends have asked us what’s going on because they know something happened.

I feel bad because he genuinely thought I was being an arsehole for my answers even though I thought they were respectful to the trans community. AITAH?

Here’s how people reacted:

racerdeth

NAH – it’s a messy one that’s hard to navigate but you were/are attracted to what has been presented to you. Unless you’re deeply in love with the person, then some things pretty much are skin deep.

If what they are underneath is not what has been presented to you, but actually something fundamentally different, without that deep underlying love (and sometimes even with), the attraction may not be there.

Initially this felt like one of those shitty hypothetical traps, but seeing as the update shows your partner is exploring their true gender identity it makes a lot more sense. I’m glad you both communicated further about this and I’m glad they apologised to you for the snap whilst still maintaining their narrative.

Chorleen

I get where you’re coming from I’m 2 spirit & like feminine guys & feminine girls. I’d be fine dating someone who was feminine trans but not a masc version. I ran into trouble when I liked girls who I thought were feminine & slowly began to transition to masc to the point of going fully into it which I was happy for them to be themselves but I’m not into dominant masculine energy lost the attraction & some of them didn’t take that very well but we all like what we like & I made it very clear I’m into the girly girl vibe. I’d let them know you’re happy they are finding themselves & wish them well honestly. They are going to be figuring themselves out for a while & it’s ok that you aren’t into women.

CarryOk3080

Nta I am a Pansexual cis female my partner is 100% cishet male and if I became anything other than a female presenting partner he would be out too and that’s more than ok. It doesn’t make you transphobic to not want to date a trans person it makes you STRAIGHT. Anyone in the LGBTQ+ community would understand this because well as they say you can’t help who you love/are attracted to. But you need to break up with them now because this has soured. They have broken this not you. They are fake outraged for a cause they have no clue what is really about.

gojosecito

NTA. Some of them just wanna have their cake and eat it too. And those types are hurting the entire community at large and slowing the progress of societal acceptance. No one should ever be made to feel guilty over their own natural preferences, and not being sexually attracted to trans ppl is NOT transphobic. That’s like telling a cishet man they are homophobic for not wanting to date a man. They are projecting their insecurity onto you in a violent way. Leave this toxic person and let them figure themselves out.

C_H-A-O_S

Your partner is probably trans. NTA for not wanting to date someone of a gender you’re not attracted to. My long-time girlfriend left me when I told her I was trans, since she’s only into men and I wasn’t a man. It sucked for sure but there were no hard feelings and we’re still friends, although we don’t really see each other anymore.

AlwaysHelpful22

You can date (or not) anyone for any reason. NTA

You can BOTH (1) be an ally and support transgender folk, and (2) choose to not date a transgender person. Your bf is an AH for calling you names and accusing you of things that aren’t true. He clearly does not respect or love you.

peakpenguins

So… does he feel like he might be trans? Because that’s a really weird thing to get upset about if not. I mean, “would you still date me if I were a woman?” is essentially the same question, and sounds like your answer would still be no, because you’re a straight woman…

NTA

SamNottSam

As a trans person myself, no, NTA. It’s anyone’s right to want to date/not want to date
1. someone of the same gender
2. someone who is trans
It doesn’t make you transphobic at all. Your bf either is trans or there’s something ekse going on, but he is TA for yelling at you

lydocia

Not dating tranwomen as a straight woman is validating their identity.

I can’t gauge whether your boyfriend is an egg and struggling with that, or if he’s just obnoxiously picking a fight, but personally I’d tell him to stop bringing it up or we’d break up.

VaultTraveler

I would guess based on that reaction that your SO is dealing with some gender identity questions, and hearing your response was discouraging to him. Obviously his response wasn’t great, but no I don’t really think anyone is an asshole here.

PilferedPendulum

This is as obnoxious behavior as someone telling a gay person, “Why can’t you just stop being gay?”

This person is essentially telling you to change your sexual orientation to suit them in a currently hypothetical situation.

Successful_Flower898

Your body! YOUR CHOICE!!!
He can take his victim mentality and have a tantrum with it!!
“It ShOuLdNt MaTtEr WhAt GeNdEr I aM” ok
Forcing yourself on someone is suuuuuuper cool….NOT!!
they need therapy

StandingGoat

NTA – Your possibly trans BF is full of it. This is like being approached by a lesbian, rejecting them and then being called homophobic. He’s basically saying that you don’t have the right to be straight.

No-Function223

“Look we could be great friends, but I’m just not attracted to women. I didn’t say I would hate you, just that I wouldn’t be attracted to you so there just wouldn’t be a point in dating.”

thrilling_me_softly

NTA. You said what you feel, I am a gay man and if my partner transitioned to a woman I would no longer be attracted to them. I am only attracted to gay men.

razzberry78

ironic bc not wanting to date a trans person because of their gender identity being incompatible with your sexuality is actually … gender affirming??

Time-Improvement6653

Somebody’s trying to break up, but doesn’t have the stones to do it, so they wanna frame it as you being transphobic. 😤 Cut that bitch loose.

FranciscoDAnconia85

NTA. You are always allowed to have preferences in who you choose to date.

Don’t let anyone shame you into believing otherwise.

lilbabevibes

I guess the real question is: would he still date you if you were a potato? Because honestly, that’s the real test of love! 🥔❤️

rightful_vagabond

NTA. I would argue that you’d be transphobic for being straight but considering your post-transition SO someone you would date.

oni-no-kage

NTA. It’s not transphobic to not date someone you are not attracted to.

But I feel you shall be single soon.

quizzicalturnip

This little boy is unhinged, and you have no future with anyone this nuts. Drop him and raise your standards.

gilbert10ba

NTA. If they are trans, good for them. That doesn’t mean you are forced to date them if you don’t want to.

JunpeiIori91

NTA. I’m gay, I respect trans people, but I wouldn’t date one.

“No.” is a complete sentence.

CrabbiestAsp

NTA. Not wanting to date someone who is trans does not make you transphobic.

Asleep_Region

NTA but I think your boyfriend is questioning his gender identity

BroodLord1962

NTA. You feel the way you feel. It doesn’t make you transphobic

VegetableBusiness897

These hypotheticals never go well

Best move is not to play

mangoawaynow

NTA, but they definitely have something to tell you…

Safe-Chemistry-5384

Man everyone and their mother is trans these days.

sanct111

I’m so glad I’m too old for this insane nonsense.

Conclusion

The core of OP’s conflict stems from the clash between her honest expression of her sexual orientation and C’s expectation that love and history should override inherent sexual attraction in a hypothetical scenario. OP feels unjustly labeled as transphobic for stating boundaries related to her sexuality, while C appears deeply hurt by what he perceived as a lack of unconditional acceptance.

The debate centers on whether sexual orientation boundaries, when stated hypothetically, are acceptable expressions of self or an unfair rejection of the partner’s identity potential. Should OP prioritize her partner’s feelings regarding a hypothetical scenario, or is her right to define her sexual attraction absolute, regardless of the context?