The relationship took a negative turn when OP learned from a close friend that Jane was seeing another man. Upon confronting her, Jane defended her actions by claiming they were not ‘exclusive,’ a concept OP had not previously considered. Despite this, OP decided to end things because he could not move past the situation. The immediate aftermath involves awkward interactions in shared friend groups, culminating in Jane accusing OP of ‘slut shaming’ him for ending the relationship, leaving OP confused and questioning his own behavior.
I (21M) met this girl (21F-Jane) about 6 months ago and I we connected over mutual interests. Conversations were flowing really well and even shared some friends so it was pretty easy to find time to hang out in groups.
Eventually I work up the courage to ask her out and she accepts.
Our dates went along very nicely so of course we keep going out for 4 months now.(About 12 proper dates and meeting each other whenever our friends meet up/going over to each others apartments to hang out)
Eventually it comes out from one of my closest friends that Jane is sleeping with some guy on the side. He found out when he caught them at a club we frequent and told me immediately.
Obviously I confront her about it, feeling hurt. This was my first relationship and it had to end it like this. She argued that we weren’t ‘exclusive’ and that means it wasn’t cheating.
I had no idea such a term even existed in the first place, so I looked it up online and found out it was true. Regardless, I told her it would be better to go our separate ways since I couldn’t get over this.
Whenever our friends meet now, I keep it brief when I speak to her.
This all came to a head when she texted me and told me to stop slut shaming her and making this such a big deal. I don’t understand how she got that idea, I interact normally when I have to speak to her and no one besides my close friend knows about our drama.
I kind of resent her, but I’m not spreading insults or comments about her.
I just feel my first experience dating a girl is a trainwreck. I question if I am being unreasonable or if what I’m doing is offending her.
Conclusion
OP is currently in an emotionally difficult position, feeling that his first dating experience has ended poorly due to a fundamental disagreement over relationship terms like ‘exclusivity.’ His actions—ending the relationship and interacting minimally with Jane afterward—are perceived by Jane as an attack, creating ongoing tension within their shared social circle.
The central issue revolves around differing expectations regarding commitment level versus perceived betrayal. The reader must consider whether OP was justified in expecting fidelity even without an explicit exclusivity agreement, or if Jane’s definition of an undefined relationship was valid, making OP’s reaction the source of the current conflict.
Here’s how people reacted:
Going on dates and dating exclusively are two different things.
While I’m sure it hurts, it sucks, and feels weird being in a situation like this, until something is serious atleast in this dating climate, it’s not required of her to stop sleeping with someone else unless until it’s either serious, or it’s something that was stated among the two of you.
I’ve been in the situation before where I was in a situation-ship with someone and we were casually having sex for a while, however it was only until I met someone else that I felt like I could be serious with that I went and ended that situation-ship. However this is something that was communicated by me to both situationship and girl I ended situationship for.
She definitely should have told you that she was still seeing other people, and you should sit down with her and let her know that, “ im not shaming you, I just felt hurt on my end as I thought we were going somewhere. I should have been told that you were seeing others in the beginning, but since I found out this way, I feel different. I have no issues with you anymore, and i hope you feel the same. I wish you the best”
Quit taking what she says to you personally. You rejected her based on her lifestyle. Every time she sees you, she’s reminded that you rejected her. You’re not bad mouthing her. You’re not slut shaming. Those are her insecurities coming out. It might be best to keep your distance and block her.
If you guys never had a conversation about it, then yeah she’s well within her rights to do what she wants because you’re not her boyfriend. At the same time she’s in the wrong for getting upset that you don’t want to date her anymore, just because it wasn’t exclusive, doesn’t mean everyone wants to participate in that circus.
I suppose it depends on your (rigid) definition of “Cheating” , but after just 4 months and your first time here, your expectations are unrealistic and she’s more on track with reality. It takes a while to expect some type of exclusivity, unless that’s up front, which it doesn’t sound like it was here. That you broke up a good thing over this suggests you might want to re evaluate your expectations, and at least be up front. Its OK to be possessive, but you need the consent of the possessed for that to work and be fair.
YTA
The issue of slutshaming is a bit weird though. Is it possible that your close friend told others in your friend group and they have judged her?
My only advice going forward is making your intentions clearer sooner. 6 months is a long time to date someone without saying anything about your intent to date exclusively
Perfectly reasonable to lose interest – she’s using sophistry anyhow; while it’s true you never said you were exclusive, it’s generally accepted that she’d mention if she were seeing someone else on the side.
You haven’t slut shamed her in the least, just had a difference of opinion in what’s acceptable, and her using that terminology whilst also seeing someone else whilst dating you, means you dodged a bullet.
I’d tell everyone that wants to know about it. It’s not shaming, it’s telling the truth.
And she is the one who used the term „slut“, not you. Fitting self discription, if you ask me, but you didn’t call her that – she did it herself.
And if someone asks just tell them the truth – you were going on dates for 4 months and she fucked some rando in the meantime. Every normal person will understand why you got the ick from a cheating cunt
When you say ‘Eventually worked up the courage to ask her out’, how long exactly?
Could it be possible she felt obligated to say yes to you asking her out because of the mutual friends involved?
These 12 dates, how many of them were both of you alone and did you have sex in the four months you were ‘dating’.
You have different life philosophies. You feel hurt because she’s a traitor, no matter how much the internet has normalized that.
Use your time to heal before looking for someone else, and avoid as much contact with her as possible, except for what is strictly necessary during get-togethers.
I’m sorry for the first bad experience. I hope someday you find someone better and nothing like this girl.
Seriously, do whatever you like, but remember it has consequences and the consequences for this are that you’re not OP anymore.
Don’t pay new car prices to ride on a city bus.
(This goes both ways, for the record… fuckbois can also only exist when they’re *allowed* to)
Let it go and move on.
Plenty more fish in the sea.
she’s not relationship material