The conflict arose when the sister requested that the OP’s husband remove his necessary mobility aid, a cane, because it caused her flashbacks related to her abusive ex-partner. When the OP refused this request, citing the husband’s need for the cane, the sister became highly distressed, claiming mental abuse and demanding accommodation. The OP is now faced with a dilemma: supporting her vulnerable sister versus protecting her husband’s necessary accommodations, as the sister is currently refusing to leave her room until the situation is resolved.
My (f) younger sister (f) moved in with my and my husband (m) days ago. She was involved in a very bad relationship with her hopefully soon to be her ex-boyfriend. She came to stay with us after they had a huge fight.
She’s in a bad place mentally because of it. I told her that this is her home (not literally of course) and that she’s welcome to stay for as long as she could.
Well, last night she asked if my husband, who has a disability in his left leg and uses a cane, could remove his cane because it triggered her and would give her flashbacks of how her soon to be ex-boyfriend and her would fight.
She said she’d get triggered whenever she sees my husband with the cane in his hand, I thought that was unreasonable for her to ask since the cane is basically a need for him and he can’t do without it.
She suggested that if he really really can’t do without his cane then he could use a wheelchair instead. She promised it wouldn’t be for long, but until she moves out. I told her no and that it wasn’t my husband’s problem how the cane makes her feel.
She must’ve misunderstood what I meant and started crying saying “she’s being mentally ab*sed” and that after all she’s been through she deserves some accommodation. Not just physical, but mental.
This had obviously caused a huge fight between us and I didn’t even bring it up to my husband because I thought it was ridiculous. She’s been basically locking herself in the guests room refusing to do anything (but lay in bed) til the issue is, as she put it “resolved.
She has nowhere to go. Our parents are deceased and I promised I’d take care of her. Now our relatives (specifically my uncle) accuses me of pushing my sister to go back to her ab*sive soon to be ex-boyfriend by refusing to show some empathy and support.
I feel torn because she’s my sister and she only has me as support, yet, I feel like she’s being unreasonable.
Conclusion
The OP is currently caught between her promise to care for her vulnerable younger sister and her responsibility to her husband, whose essential mobility aid was targeted by the sister’s request. The sister feels entitled to significant mental and physical accommodation due to past trauma, leading to a severe impasse where she has withdrawn completely, escalating the emotional pressure on the OP.
The core issue is balancing necessary physical accommodation for one party against the psychological trauma triggers of another. Is the OP right to prioritize her husband’s essential medical need, or is the sister’s demand for temporary, crisis-related accommodation reasonable given her recent trauma and lack of other support systems?
Here’s how people reacted:
If you accept her request to force your husband to get rid of his cane, I am pretty sure she will start demanding to get rid or hide your husband so that it doesn’t trigger her. What will you do? Do injustice to your SO to satisfy your sister? What about your support for him?
Your sister might have escaped from her abuser, but she has become the abuser as well if she has started to cry “mental abuse” in your home. Better find an alternate place for her to stay and pay the first 3 months rent and get her to move in to it. Maybe invite her for regular lunches at your place and emotional support and nothing more than that. Otherwise she will make three people: that’s her, you and your husband feel miserable throughout her stay.
Your husband’s cane is a mobility aid that is vital for his independence and ongoing health. If you rely too much on wheelchairs it can weaken the muscles, making it harder to go back to walking.
This should be a red line.
Tell her mobility aids are not interchangeable and there would need to be clinically led planning to make sure your husband retains muscle strength to be able to continue walking.
Is your sister in any kind of therapy? If not, she needs it. If she is, is it specifically for trauma?
People use buzz words like “triggered” in the wrong context commonly these days. Without knowing her reaction when “triggered” it’s hard to tell if she genuinely is or just got it into her head.
As someone who suffers from flashbacks and has recognisable triggers, it’s *my responsibility* to deal with said triggers. The mere suggestion of removing someone’s mobility device is incredibly inappropriate, and she went much, much further than the mere suggestion.
“You’re asking for the removal of someone’s mobility aid and should recognise how inappropriate that is. It’s the equivalent of someone taking away your ability to walk. I understand your need for accommodations, but this is not open for discussion.”
I would be firm. I would make it crystal clear that this isn’t going to happen.
I believe its important to support our family on moments on need, but what your sister is asking for its not really a reasonable request. If she is getting trigger for something as simple as a cane, she needs therapy ASAP. If she can´t deal with this challenge, how is she going to enter a normal job or social interactions to try to get herself back on her feet?
Encourage her to seek therapy and hold this boundary.
Newsflash: She has zero plans to move out.
She believe she’s entitled to be looked after at your expense and to your detriment and fuck your husband’s disability.
Anybody that accuses you of abuse while staying in your house is a clear and present danger. They may escalate.
Get her out. Do it now.
Give her (VERY SHORT) notice and let her know you’ll call the cops if she won’t get out of your property.
If you let her stay, you are cooked.
NTA.
I was in an abusive relationship and never even considered making such demands on my family. It’s a very difficult situation, and yes, there are triggers, but that doesn’t give us the right to ask for anything under the excuse that we are victims.
Your husband has a disability and needs to use the cane. She should be grateful that you’re helping her and understand that your life doesn’t have to change completely because of what happened to her.
Asking someone to reduce or change their mobility is not an acceptable accommodation to your triggers. A cane to wheelchair would risk deconditioning and impact his personal wellbeing. Her jumping straight to emotional abuse cries is manipulative.
Your uncle could take her in if he is concerned with her returning to her ex. Your relatives could help her get therapy or find alternative accommodation but until then she can just wallow in bed.
Telling someone to regress into a full support like a wheelchair is abusive.
You need to tell her that giving her support does not mean taking your husband’s support away!
NTA She needs counseling stat, and if her stbx bf beat her with objects, that doesn’t mean your husband will.
Your sister is being unreasonable. If she is that messed up from her relationship, she should go to a shelter where they can provide her with a safe place and therapy as well.
>She must’ve misunderstood what I meant and started crying saying “she’s being mentally ab\*sed”
Have you actually witnessed her boyfriend being abusive towards her? It sounds like she doesn’t even know what abuse is.
Great! These relatives can definitely take her in.
Or they can shut up.
Your husband doesn’t use the cane as a prop or costume design. It’s a medical necessity.
Your sister’s triggers are no one else’s responsibilities. She’s the one that has to work on them.
NTA
This is unreasonable and entitled. She is your guest, she doesn’t get to dictate what you should and should not do, especially with a tool that is essential for your husband.
Your uncle (her flying monkey) is very welcome to accommodate her.
Your sister should focus on therapy, not on a cane.
It’s unreasonable for your sister to ask your husband to stop using his cane just because it triggers her. He needs it to get around, and you can’t sacrifice his well-being for her comfort. You’re being supportive, but boundaries are important.
Who fights with sticks outside of martial arts classes??
Are you sure, it’s her husband who was the abuser?
It’s a mobility device that your husband needs and if it triggers her so badly then she needs to find somewhere else to stay
Look into domestic abuse services and shelters as an alternative