When they began seriously looking for a house, the fiancé revealed a condition: he would be the sole name on the mortgage and deed, even though OP agreed to pay half of the mortgage payments. When OP objected to having no legal ownership, he admitted this was intentional, citing his sole contribution to the 40% down payment as justification. This led to a significant conflict where OP refused to contribute financially to a property she would not own, resulting in the fiancé calling her derogatory names and demanding she uphold the initial payment agreement.
For some background, I, 29F and my fiancé 30M have been together for 10 years. We had a baby back in 2020 and I lost my job around the same time. Our lease to our apartment was up and my grandma offered for us to move in with her so we did.
We basically had our own little apartment rent free. I had thrown the idea of going to school out there and everyone agreed it was a good idea, my fiancé paid for it and my grandma watched my baby while I went to class.
I graduate this semester (I did part time for a couple semesters). My fiancé has been making 90K a year for the past couple years and 70K when we first moved in. He’s saved a good amount of money.
We agreed to wait to get married until I finished school and we could buy a house together. We’ve been looking at houses more seriously for a past couple months and found one we both love.
We started talking to a mortgage broker and that’s when he dropped the bomb on it being HIM and ONLY HIM on the mortgage and the deed. He said I wouldn’t have anything to do with it.
I didn’t say anything in the meeting but afterwards I told him I thought WE were buying the house together and I’d pay half the mortgage. He said I would be paying half the mortgage but my name just wouldn’t be on it.
So I told him that would mean I’d have no right to the house and he said he knew?!! He said since he saved the 40% down that it’s only fair that he has the rights to the house in case we end things.
I told him if that’s what he wants to do then I’m not paying for the mortgage. I said this isn’t a partnership and if he just wants his own place fine but I’m not paying for it. He called me a btch saying that he paid for everything for the past few years including my schooling.
I told him I stayed home and watched our child so we didn’t have to pay for daycare and that ended up saving us money since I would’ve been only able to work part time. He said he didn’t care and I need to pay for half since I already agreed to it.
So reddit AITAH for refusing to pay the mortgage?
Conclusion
The core conflict revolves around the OP’s expectation of a financial and legal partnership in purchasing a major asset, set against her fiancé’s unilateral decision to secure the asset solely in his name, despite her planned financial contributions and years of supporting the household in other ways. The fiancé views his financial contributions as grounds for complete ownership, while the OP views the refusal to share ownership as invalidating their partnership.
The situation forces a decision: Should the OP contribute half the mortgage payments for a house she has no legal claim to, or is she justified in withholding payment because the ownership structure contradicts the definition of a shared partnership? Readers must consider whether financial contribution without legal equity constitutes a fair arrangement in a long-term committed relationship.
Here’s how people reacted:
I would think long and hard about staying involved with this man. Don’t think that you owe him anything just because he’s the father of your child.
His reasoning is absolutely illogical. He’s selfish and cruel. He calls you names. A real man who loves his partner WANTS her to be taken care of financially if something happens to him. If your name isn’t on the house and something happens to him, you’re screwed!
He doesn’t care about you, doesn’t respect the contributions you’ve made to his life, and doesn’t respect you.
Does this man even like you? If my husband called me that word, it’d be over for that alone. I would never tolerate disrespect like that, and I would not allow my son to grow up in a house with a man who thought so little of me.
I’ve been married for 10 years. And one thing I can say is you need to do away with the idea of “your money and my money.” You have a child, you are a family unit and you earn a COMBINED income. How you divvy up funds beyond that is your you to work out. But you are in for unending dilemmas if he stays in the mindset of “this is my money and that is your money.”
Also, not sure where you’re from, but in my country (Australia) it doesn’t matter if you’re on the deed or not. You’re in a defacto relationship with a dependant, if things end, you’re entitled to 50% of all assets. So keeping you off the deed doesn’t even protect him in the way he thinks it does.
NTA.
You are so smart not to pay a mortgage on a house you don’t own. Do NOT accept him owning that house when he explicitly said it because if you break up he gets to keep it. Not that it would necessarily mean that if you get divorced, but it would help his case.
I can’t imagine this is the first time he’s shown some selfish or resentful behavior. You should have a serious discussion and think of starting counseling to work through this. At any rate, don’t let yourself be financially edged out or at yourself and your child up to fail. Good luck!
He got to save heaps of money cos YOUR grandmother stepped in and allowed him and you to live rent-free. Instead of wasting the opportunity, you sought to increase your earning potential to add to the family income… and this numpty thinks he invested in a permanent daycare system and maid who would foot the bills with him?!
Nta, he’s not thinking straightl. Personally, I’d suggest asking if you stay at your grandmothers for longer ( if she’ll allow it) and save up for your own place.
He can buy the house himself and have the kid part-time. See how he goes financially then. Won’t be any over time, and he’ll be footing all the bills!
If he is buying a house, you will have to be put down as something cause you can’t file as the only occupant when you have a spouse living with you. Taxes would be an issue too when living together. He needs to speak to a professional about how this is handled before saying absolutes here.
He pulled a bait & switch on you in the most demeaning way in front of a broker, then called you a b-tch. Like other commenters, I doubt this is the first time he’s shown you who he is. Regardless, believe him. He doesn’t value you or respect you or your very real contributions at all.
Figure out how much you saved in childcare and how much you saved in rent by having your grandma not charge you and tell him that amount is your contribution to the house. It’s because of you he was able to save if he had not been with you he would have had to pay for childcare and for rent.
If your name isn’t on the deed, don’t pay the mortgage. Honestly, I’d debate moving into a house that was just his and then getting married.
If he wants help with the mortgage, then he has to accept that you will also own the house.
But stop playing house with someone you’re not married to. This is what happens.
He saved the money for the house, and he paid for your education.