When the OP pointed out the unfairness of this arrangement, her parents accused her of acting spoiled and made dismissive comments about her room accommodations compared to her brother’s. Feeling deeply frustrated by years of unequal treatment, the OP initially decided not to go. However, she waited until the morning the family was leaving to inform them she was canceling her attendance, leading to immediate friction. The OP is now questioning whether her last-minute decision to skip the vacation was an overreaction to her parents’ behavior.
So, my parents wanted to do a cruise for the holidays. They invited me (25f), my boyfriend (27M), my brother (28M), and his girlfriend (26F).
My brother (let’s call him “James”) has always been the golden child. Some backstory:
Back in high school, when James was discovered to be selling pills, he was just “going through a phase”. Meanwhile, when I got caught smoking weed, my parents threatened to kick me out.
James lost his scholarship and dropped out of college 3 different times, but he’s still perfect! I graduated a semester late and I didn’t try hard enough.
James still lives in the state where he attending college, and I live in my home state near my parents. He doesn’t work, he’s not currently in school. My parents buy him flights all the time to come visit, but don’t buy me a flight to go see him or go anywhere else.
My parents send him money for rent and life necessities. He bought a $2,000 dog recently with that money.
When I got my first big job at age 22, my parents immediately kicked me off their insurance since I had the option of benefits. James was on their insurance until he turned 26.
Last year, I got laid off and moved back in with my parents to save money. When I got my new job, my parents told me I needed to pay $10,000 in “back rent” which was never discussed previously.
This has been a pattern my WHOLE life. James gets everything handed to him and I have to work my ass off. So, now to the cruise.
My parents said they wanted to do this, and bought tickets for themselves, James, and his girlfriend. They told me to get my own ticket since I have a well-paying job. I was super upset, and told them it wasn’t fair that I was the only one who had to buy their own ticket.
(My boyfriend couldn’t come due to holiday plans with his own family).
My parents said I was acting spoiled and that “green wasn’t a good look on me”. I am so tired of hearing that phrase at this point. They said it’s not like I had to get a nice room since we’d be outside it the majority of the time anyway—which is true, but then why get James a nice room?
I decided I had enough and I wasn’t going. But here’s where I may be the asshole. I let them continue thinking I was for months. Then, on the night before they left they said to get to their house by 8 am so we could start the drive to the port.
At 8:30 that day, they start messaging me asking where I am. I texted them “since you didn’t want to put the effort in to have me join you, I will be attending my boyfriend’s Thanksgiving instead.
Have a nice trip with your favorite child.” Then I muted the chat.
I talked to some friends about this, and some said it was petty of me to cancel with no warning, and others said I should’ve sucked it up and gone since I would’ve had fun when I got there.
They’ve been on the cruise for a couple days now, and I’m starting to regret how I handled things. Yeah, I probably would’ve had fun, and it’s not like I couldn’t afford the ticket.
I also could’ve handled the delivery better. But at the same time, I’m so sick of them treating me like this.
Conclusion
The OP finds herself caught between the valid frustration stemming from years of perceived parental mistreatment and the regret over the dramatic and sudden way she chose to communicate her boundary. Her actions were a direct response to feeling undervalued compared to her brother, yet the delivery method—waiting until the departure morning—created unnecessary immediate conflict for the rest of the traveling party.
The central question remains whether the OP was wrong for cancelling at the last minute as payback for feeling unappreciated, or if this extreme action was a necessary, albeit imperfect, protest against long-term unfair treatment. Should the OP prioritize maintaining family peace by accepting the invitation despite the slight, or was setting this harsh boundary the only way to force her parents to acknowledge their favoritism?
Here’s how people reacted:
Your parents are very likely narcissistic and I can tell you that James will get his dues in some way or form likely in a few years when we see his girlfriend asking for advice on her over involved mother in law and mummy’s boy husband. My in laws used the same phrases. They would borrow money from my partner, make him pay rent and still refuse to pay him back because “I think you’ve had enough out of us” whilst simultaneously buying his younger sister a car and then another car when she crashed that one within a month. He was constantly called jealous, constantly getting threats of homelessness and treat like a literal slave whilst his siblings were royalty. I can tell you that this is a form of triangulation. Normal parents don’t have a golden child. They pick and choose which one to favour and they use it to pit their children against each other. That way when you finally have had enough of the BS and speak out about it you just look like a liar and a drama queen because your golden ass sibling preaches about how the sun shines out of their ass and they have amazing parents. They can’t treat you all bad because who would be on their side?
You can search for the roles and the dynamic of such a system in Yt Dr. Sam Vaknin or Dr. Ramani ‘s videos.
In it you seem to been asigned the scapegoat role.
If you need to move forward you need to accept that they will not change as they are incapable of love.
They need you as their punching bag for emotional release.
In fact why would they change since they get what they want right now.
They thrive, in their twisted way just as they are.
Radical acceptance was the main thing that got me out of my toxic 35 years long relationship. Only hope, that one day things will be as I wanted to, kept me in that hell.
I learned tough lessons, but still wish I got out sooner.
The only way to get the life you want and deserve is to go no contact with them and seek therapy with someone specialised in such complex trauma you live with.
Hugs
It was a dick move to cancel at the last moment, but sometimes it just feels good and right to be a dick.
Fuck them, they obviously don’t care about you as much as they do for your brother, so why should you care?
Holidays are for spending time with your “loved ones”, so spend it with people who appreciate you… Because it should be a two way street, it should not only be the people you love, but the people who love you right back.
They still went to the cruise, so I don’t think it was a big deal. I’d go low to no contact with them, since they seem to be indifferent to your presence, and it would save you a lot of trouble too.
I think you’re canceling was completely justified, it sounds as though they didn’t really value your presence and weren’t willing to even subsidize part of a ticket for you, but you would pay for your brother and his girlfriend.
I do think doing it the day before was a bit petty, granted they’ve been petty as well. But I am of the mindset that two wrongs don’t always make things better. At this point, I would just consider going low to no contact with them for a while if not forever
NTA
So happy to see you have a beautiful shiny spine.
Make sure that from now onwards, you see them on your terms…that includes equality in the way you’re treated.
It’s ok, you have been so used to being their doormat that you are feeling “guilt” . Take time to work on yourself, get therapy so that you’re empowered to set your very clear boundaries…
They got USD10k from you, they get nothing else if they don’t respect you.
They’ve shown you who they are. Repeatedly. Believe them.
*sorry I prefer to spend my money in peace, enjoy with your golden boy who is now a golden man !!! till when will you sponsor a grown up man and his girlfriend ?* *Don’t you dare ask me to sponsor their life when you are no longer able to.*
Bro also the comical factor of this is hilarious! They’re 100% not enjoying the cruise and talking shit how you’re the problem
You’re NTA.
I encourage you to go no contact with them. Go live your best life. I have three kids and cannot imagine doing this to one of my children.
For canceling but waiting to the last minute to be petty and vindictive shows that apples really do not fall far from the tree.