The OP reluctantly agreed to support the family solely on his income, which required him to increase his work hours significantly, from 45 to 65-70 hours per week. Although the wife initially promised to manage all housework in exchange, she recently began demanding the OP help with chores, leading to a major argument and the wife now giving him the silent treatment. The OP is left feeling angry and trapped by the broken agreement and increased workload.
I(28m) have been with my wife (27f) for 4 years married for 1. I’m an electrician and she is an accountant, I make about 60k a year and she makes about 55k. 7 months ago we had our first child, my wife was supposed to go back to work 2 months ago (she took the maximum maternity leave her company allows, 6 months which she started 1 month before labor).
When it was time to resume work my wife told me that she would feel guilt and sadness if we put our child in day care, therefore, she wants to stay home with him. I suggested therapy but she is very persistent and says nothing a therapist would say will change her feelings.
At this point it seemed like I had no choice so I started calculating how much I would have to work to compensate her income, I usually work 45 hours a week (9×5) and without her income it would have to be at least 65_70 (9_10×7), I told my wife how greulling it would be and she tried convincing me by saying I must sacrifice for our child and she would do all the child care and house work and I wouldn’t have to do anything around the house, even without any housework it is still very extreme but I reluctantly agreed because I felt like I had no choice.
So it happened, my wife resigned from her job (company policy, if you don’t comeback you get replaced) and I picked up the extra hours, my day starts by going to the gym at 5 am (it is the only thing keeping me sane) and then I would work from 7_5 and get home at 5:30 absolutely spent and I just want to take a shower and rest.
During the first month or so my wife kept her word and took care of all the house work but then she started expecting me to help her around the house but I would remind her of our agreement and she would look annoyed but move on and do it herself.
2 days ago she told that she is tired and wants me to make dinner and I flat out refused and told her she is breaking her promise and I made it very clear that she shouldn’t expect ANYTHING from me when it come to house work.
She looked furious but she got up and made dinner and since then she has been giving me the silence treatment. I’m full of anger and resentment right now at first she got me taking 25 more hours a week and now she is breaking her promise and trying to manipulate me by giving the silent treatment, I’m losing my mind.
Conclusion
The OP is currently experiencing significant resentment because the financial sacrifice he agreed to, which involved taking on a grueling work schedule, is now being compounded by his wife reneging on her promise to handle all domestic duties. The conflict centers on the perceived breach of the foundational agreement they established when she resigned, causing him to feel that his efforts are unappreciated and his boundaries are being ignored.
The core issue is whether the wife is entitled to an equal division of domestic labor despite having given up her career income, or if the OP must continue to bear the entire burden of providing financially while accepting no help at home. Should the OP uphold the original agreement strictly, or is it time for a renegotiation of responsibilities given the extreme hours he is working?
Here’s how people reacted:
Firstly, you have resentment because she has broken the original agreement/plan about returning to work, which I can understand to an extent.
But you are also making that a purely logical and practical discussion without taking into account the emotional side of things. She has been carrying that baby for approx 9 months and then caring for 5 months before she was going back to work. It is possible, and even likely, that all that time has changed her feelings about leaving her child with other people so young to return to work. Maybe you need to give some consideration to this, but either way, I would recommend you speak to someone about the resentment you clearly hold about this. Which likely affected your feelings going forward.
You then negotiatiated an arrangement where your wife desired one thing, and essentially, you had an unreasonable position to negotiate. And I mean negotatiate because that’s what the second agreement became. It was collaborative acting in the best interests of each other or your child. It was sides opposed trying to work in their own interests. To me, that needs addressed, and honestly, it was unlikely to work.
Now, I totally get working long hours, which is horrific and often unsustainable. And I suppose that’s where you need to discuss a better compromise of life and work. What can you afford to live with, and what hours can realistically be maintained and for how long.
Flip side. You work 70 hours per week. Assuming your wife cares for your child 12 hours per day over 7 days… she’s caring 84 hours. Now add in dinners = 8 more hours. Plus the house work – say 6 more hours for cleaning, maintaince and food shopping. She is probably doing some of this while caring or child naps. But then when does she get a break like you do at work? She is also doing crazy hours and as a dad who has looked after my kids a few days a week solo or weeks when my wife’s been away. It can be extremely lonely and isolating. It can be very repetitive and physical/emotionally exhausting. Imagine doing your work with a small person constantly pulling, climbing, grabbing, screaming, and just generally being a baby. But you’re trying to do other things. Now that’s all day (sometimes).
For me, you are both TA and NTA. But ultimately, I would suggest sitting down and coming up with something with a better balance for you both before the resentment becomes insurmountable.
Your wife agreed to do all the housework? That you believed her is hard to fathom.
She was using the old bait and switch. She got what she wanted. Now, she wants to sucker you back into working yourself to death to support her lazy ass AND do some of what she agreed to do on top of that.
Be forewarned: The Reddit brigade believes that being a SAHM is as difficult as working 14 hours a day on an oil rig. AND they think there are men out there still stupid enough to believe it.
When she made the unilateral decision to stay home, you should have made the unilateral decision to divorce her. I understand that with a child involved that made it a terrible decision to make.
Women who want men to be traditional breadwinners but also be modern men and do half the housework are the worst.
This is not going to end well.
She is ALSO working hard. Her job is 24 hours a day since babies are helpless 24 hours a day. She went through 9 months of pregnancy while working full-time. She then gave birth! That is mentally and physically super exhausting and will take months to recover.
She agreed to give up her career so that you BOTH could have a healthy happy child. Do you know what daycare costs?
Life is hard for everyone when children are babies / toddlers.
You both were naïve, thinking you could magically find a way to
divide chores evenly. This argument is as old as time. You both have to work all day every day, and hopefully get enough sleep.
Please put your energy into being thankful for your family, and not this pettiness.
She either sticks to the agreement, or you renegotiate something more acceptable to both of you.
I know you may not be able to make the time, but a professional mediator might be helpful.
You need to work out something quickly, though, even if it involves both a short term (she stays home until the baby is x months old) and long term (after x months, she goes back to work or you both agree to seriously reduce your expenses) plan. Otherwise, both of you will continue being resentful and bitter, and this marriage won’t last.
This was always going to end badly, you both made an agreement and while you disagreed originally, your wife disagrees now. So if your wife would like to change the terms, then its time to discuss changing all the terms, not just you picking up extra housework so, sit down and have a conversation.
Modern life isn’t easy on a single income any more and being on a single income will also affect how long you have to work until you both get to retire and, how comfortable your retirement will be. Time to put all options back in the table and work out a better plan moving forward.
One option is for you two to live with less income. What if you worked, say, 55 hours/week and agreed to make dinner 2x per week? Another is for her to agree to daycare. Daycare before age 1 is very expensive; perhaps she could tough it out through month 12 and then start part-time work, in return for which you go back toward a normal schedule? There are many possibilities.
I’ve been a stay at home parent for a year and my days were so much easier when I went back to work full time and insisted my spouse share chores and parenting 50%. Not easy, just easier. My job is mentally draining, but kids are a whole other level of draining.
Frankly you guys need to reevaluate having you work 10 hours.
Yeah, you guys made an agreement, but it sounds like you’re not communicating well about how hard this is on you and instead being kind of an AH about how you talk to her about it.
At the same time… she’s not considering how hard a 10 hour day is on you.
If you can’t keep the balance right here, you both should be working and doing housework
I’m a dad. I’ve stayed home. Staying home with a baby and sweeping or whatever is monumentally easier than working 60 hour weeks. There no comparison. Maybe it’s lonely, but with all the free time, you can go make friend. Mom friends with kids. Maybe a book club. You don’t have that option.
Nta at all. Good luck with this. She’s getting comfy.
Cut your hours, tell your wife she needs to go back to work, and divide household and childcare. You are both getting burned out from this arrangement and this will end your marriage.
NTA. Stand your ground. She’d drive you to an early grave if you don’t get her back out there.
Updateme
NTA
Do you make your own meals? Wash laundry? Bedding? Do your own shopping? Etc. If not, I’d start. You’ll be doing it all soon if I had to guess…
Neither of you seem to care about the other’s well being. Caring for a child 24/7 is a huge load; so is working all your extra hours.
It’s too much for both of you. Either you start caring about each other and find a workable compromise, or it’s possible this marriage won’t last.
I might also suggest you make your wife get checked for PPD. It’s not uncommon for women to be suffering symptoms for up to 24 months post birth.
Her JOB is the house and child. All of it.
When you come home, you play with your child and you get fed in a clean house.
She chose this! She can go back to work.