Although Zara agreed to the visit only if her half-brother did not interfere with her belongings, the situation escalated immediately upon the ex and her son arriving. Upon seeing the large number of presents intended only for Zara, the ex became angry, demanding that the OP’s daughter share her gifts with her son. When the OP refused to force his daughter to share her presents, the ex reacted with verbal abuse, accusing him of malice. The OP is now questioning if he was wrong for prioritizing his daughter’s gifts and enforcing her boundaries over his ex’s demands.
I share custody of my 7-year-old daughter, Zara, with my ex. But while still dating my ex cheated on me and mothered a boy who’s now 5. She has full custody of her son since the dad is a deadbeat who only sees his child every few months.
On the other hand, I have majority custody of our daughter and have her 3 weeks of every 4.
Besides attempting to co-parent the best we can, our relationship is nonexistent. This is mostly because my ex is narcissistic. She expected me to pay child maintenance because I kicked her out and now she lives in a 2 bedroom apartment in a shitty area.
She also told her son I was his dad for whatever reason. Because of this we only physically interact whenever I pick up or drop Zara.
Anyway, Zara was born on Christmas day which means I buy her a lot of presents. This year I bought 20, plus 5 from my brother and 2 from her mother. My ex didn’t get the bonus she had hoped for from work which she was relying on for Christmas dinner.
When picking up my daughter she told me her mom had asked her to ask me “Can we spend Christmas as one family this year” AKA my ex wanted it to seem our daughter wanted to spend Christmas as one family and not her.
I have a closer bond with my daughter than my ex does, so she was honest with me about the situation. I asked her if she was ok with the idea, and she told me she didn’t mind as long as her half-brother didn’t mess with her things.
I agreed to respect her boundaries. From what she’s shared, her half-brother is the typical annoying younger sibling, and they don’t have a close relationship. Considering they only see each other once every three weeks, it’s not surprising that they are not particularly close.
Not that I care anyway.
When Christmas morning comes and my ex and her son arrive my daughter is screaming for us to begin opening presents. We all go into the living room and my ex is shocked to see the number of presents under the tree.
She looked at me weirdly and asked which ones were for her son and I told her none. I guess due to the sheer number of presents she thought I had bought a gift for her son. I told her no and this was all for her since it was also her birthday.
She got angry quickly and pulled me to the kitchen and quietly screamed at me. She called me selfish and greedy not just for buying Zara too many presents but for the price of them.
Zara had already opened a new bike, kindle, and chemistry kit. And how her son now had to watch his sister open presents while he was only holding a children’s book which is all she could afford.
She then told me Zara needed to share her gifts and let her brother open the rest. I told her that was a no and I was not going to force Zara to share the gifts she earned for being a good girl this year.
This time she didn’t bother lowering her voice and full-on raged at me. How I do this on purpose to get back at her for cheating and how I love being cruel before calling me a sociopath.
My brother came in hearing the fight and pulled some money out to give to the boy, but I told him to put it away and told her to get the fuck out of my house.
She texted me the next day about how I ruined her son’s Christmas because I refused to share a couple of toys and he cried all day. Do I feel bad? Sort of but I don’t think I am the asshole since I did promise my daughter her brother would not touch her things.
Conclusion
The OP is facing a conflict between honoring the specific boundaries set with his daughter regarding her personal property and managing the volatile reaction of his narcissistic ex-partner during a shared holiday. While the OP feels some guilt that the situation negatively impacted the ex’s son, his primary justification rests on fulfilling his promise to Zara and protecting her possessions from interference.
The central debate revolves around the allocation of resources and emotional expectations during a holiday visit arranged primarily for the child’s benefit. Should the OP have anticipated and accommodated the ex’s financial difficulties by sharing Zara’s gifts, or was he entirely justified in upholding his daughter’s established boundaries against an unreasonable demand made by the visiting parent?
Here’s how people reacted:
Sure, there was a bunch of different moves that could have been made to make the whole gathering a lot more comfortable with everyone involved, but why tell someone to NOT give a young boy some money on Christmas? That would have made the whole difference. If I were that boy, I’d never forget that day. ..I hope he doesn’t grow up resentful and insecure because of things that aren’t even in his control. 🙁
THIS is where I think YTA. You could have had her open some of her presents earlier, just u and her (it would teach her compassion), but that’s not what I want to focus on. Just the money part. So unnecessarily cruel.
Your ex was only half right about one accusation. You’re not punishing her for having an affair( you’re pretty fair tbh), but you ARE punishing her son (who like I said, didn’t ask to be born)
You aren’t an ah for not buying anything for the boy. You, your brother and mother have no relation to the boy so none of you owe him a gift.
You are not an ah for forcing your daughter to share her gifts… but I do hope your daughter understands the value of sharing.
I would call your ex an ah to expecting you, your brother and mom to buy things for her son. It is also an ah move to expect her daughter to automatically share things.
It would have been nice if you helped your daughter get her half-brother a holiday gift, as it is her brother. However, I do not know the dynamics between your daughter and her brother to say whether or not this was truly an ah move.
I do think it is an ah move to allow your daughter to open 27 presents in front of a guest child at Christmas. I feel you could have set a later arrival time for ex and son to get to your house OR explain to your daughter that presents are going to be later this year so the majority of the present opening wouldn’t be done when your ex and her son weren’t at your house.
You didn’t have an obligation to buy presents for your ex’s kid, but you should have made clear to her that you had a ton of presents your daughter would be opening, and that may be hard for her son. You don’t owe parental obligations to the kid, but you also shouldn’t choose to do harmful things to an innocent child.
(Also, your bragging about not paying child support to help provide a better home for your daughter the time she is with her mom is not a good look. You seem intent on punishing your ex in perpetuity for her cheating, regardless of the effect it has on innocent children involved, including your own daughter.)
The issue arose when their family had a massive number of gifts for their kids (at least a dozen each, and big gifts, too!) and it silently shocked our family, especially our kids. It was jaw-breaking beyond over the top!
Our kids lasted about an hour watching their cousins open gift and gift before they started to leave the room, one in tears. We had to debrief and bring them back to a place of gratitude for what we have, without comparing themselves to their cousins.
Needless to say, we never shared Christmas with them again.
I think it sets an unfair expectation for the kids. If you end up dating someone seriously in the future this would be awkward especially since you and ex don’t get along.
But since you did say yes, it was a bit much for the 5yo. I would have gotten him a small present from his sister. It’s not his fault he has a cheating whore for a mom.
I also might have held back a majority of the presents to be opened after ex left. Or invited ex over for later and let daughter open a majority early and saved one for when ex was there. ESH.
It’s really sad for her son, I really feel for this little boy but your daughter or you are not the ones who should do something : his mother is responsible of the situation. She knew it was her daughter birthday. And she wants her daughter to be generous when her own mother is enable to let her appreciate her big day ?
Use a parent app and don’t communicate with your ex out of it
Good luck
But… you knew your cheating ex is not doing ok financially, even instillating the ideia of a Christmas’ morning as one familly. So you knew that a small boy would be heartbroken.
You could have opened the gifts earlier or denied the joint celebration, but you need to get back at her. Be better.
ESH
TBH, this sounds borderline rubbing it in your ex’s face by hurting a 5 year old. You could have waited to open when he wasn’t around. An annoying little brother is still her brother and still a child. ESH.
You knew your ex doesn’t have money. You knew her son woild be there. You agreed to celebrate Christmas together. Then you buy your daughter 20+ presents (which I’d say YTA for on its own because holy shit dude you’re a cartoon dad) and rub it in.
Don’t give a shit about your ex, but my God that poor kid has nothing to do with your bullshit.
What a horrible thing to do to any kid.
What a horrible lesson to teach your own daughter.
You invited that child to your home. You set up this moment. The cruelty is breathtaking.
The correct answer to her request should have been “No.” not “let a five year old come over and watch someone else open a bunch of nice gifts”
YTA for allowing this to happen
She set her son up. She’d planned to guilt and strong arm your daughter into giving up some presents to him. That’s why she had the bright idea of having a “family” Christmas. It’s her own fault her kid’s crying. NTA.
I’m the kind of person who will have gifts for any kid who comes over for Christmas.
If I was your mother, I would be so ashamed of you.
But her mother thinking she should share was also inappropriate.
ESH, except the kids.
Why do we see so many stories of women who have multiple baby daddies and expect them all to support all of their kids, even the ones that are not theirs?
The entitlement is ridiculous.
YTA. If you’re spending Christmas Day as one family, you should have discussed with your ex beforehand how the gift scenario would work.
Let reddit seethe. I will gift my son a bmw when he becomes legal
NTA
Your ex is vile. The amount of damage she is doing to that poor child is sadistic.
Not your child, none of your business.