AITAH for breaking up with my boyfriend after he chose our supposed ‘future’ kids over me?

A 21-year-old woman (OP) and her 22-year-old boyfriend of four years recently engaged in a serious discussion about having children in the future. The boyfriend expressed a strong desire to have kids, stating that a life without them would feel pointless, and that he feared future resentment toward the OP if she did not change her mind about parenthood, as she had previously expressed hesitation.

The OP attempted to find a middle ground by suggesting they might agree to have children later, but then explained that forcing herself into parenthood if unprepared would be unfair. This led to the boyfriend abruptly stating he would leave her for someone else if she did not commit to having children. Feeling unsupported and hurt, especially after showing empathy for his potential future feelings, the OP ended the relationship. The central question is whether the OP was justified in breaking up with her boyfriend over this ultimatum.

AITAH for breaking up with my boyfriend after he chose our supposed 'future' kids over me?

I 21(F) have been dating my 22(M) boyfriend for 4 years now. We recently started talking about our future together and the kids issue came up. He has known for a long time now that I’ve always been iffy about kids.

He, on the other hand, insists that he likes kids, and would like to have them in the future. This issue has often caused a massive strain on our relationship, but we’ve chosen to cross that bridge when we get there.

So, this past Saturday, the issue cropped up and the conversation turned into a sore argument. My boyfriend said that living without kids would make his life pointless, and he feels like he would resent me in the future if I made him do that.

I listened to his argument, and it made sense. After all, we’re both young, and have some more time before we get there. So, naturally I’d assume that maybe I’d change my mind in the future, and we’d be able to have those kids.

I shared these sentiments with him to which, I got a positive response. But here’s where things got heated. After I told my boyfriend that it would also be kind of unfair to force myself into having kids if I’m not prepared, he suddenly changed the tone and said he would have no choice but to dump me for someone that would give him kids.

This came as a surprise because I had assumed that he only wanted kids with me, and would also try and view things from my perspective. I felt so bad, because I expected the same support I had shown him when he told me he would resent me for not having them.

I explained my disappointment to which he said that he was equally disappointed at me for being selfish. I got mad, and broke up with him then. We haven’t talked since then.

Here’s how people reacted:

Sir_Loxington

NTA. Some people are iffy on if they want kids or not and that’s okay; you’re young and have time to come to a decision on that. Some people are sure they want kids and that’s ok too; there it nothing wrong with knowing what is important to you in life. It sounds like the issue here is that you and your boyfriend simply are not compatible enough. Kids are not a maybe for him, he views them as a requirement for his future. So if you don’t view them as a part of your future then it doesn’t matter how much he likes you that means it literaly is impossible for the two of you to be together in his eyes. No one is at fault here; you two just aren’t confident you want the same life and it would be wrong of either of you to force an unwanted life onto the someone else.

NotAgainHel15

NAH but please let it go.

If he wants kids and you don’t, it’s not going to work out. Ever. Either he resents you for not giving him children or you bow to pressure and resent having had kids you never wanted.

I know you’re very young and having kids is probably a decade off in the future even if you did want them, but it’s not worth staying with someone you fundamentally don’t want the same future as.

You’re not selfish in the least for not wanting kids – and the fact that he threw that at you is a red flag about what kind of guy he is.

Best to move on.

Nadja-19

It’s not wrong for you to not want kids or be unsure. And it’s also not wrong for him to want kids. You both were honest about how it would make you feel if either gave in to the other. I think it was shorty for him to call you selfish. It’s okay to not want kids. But you don’t want the same things. I will say thinking he only wanted kids with you is naive. Wanting kids isn’t necessarily specific to a person. Having kids is a big decision. And is not something you should sacrifice for anyone. It would only lead to resentment and unhappiness. Breaking up was best.

Odd_Let_7524

Neither of you are. He knows he wants children, there’s not a question in his mind on that fact. You quite possibly don’t want children, and want some time to see if it’s a step you wish to take. The two of you might love each other, but you’re not compatible. That’s ok, not everyone is compatible that’s just the way it is. He’s not trying to force you, but you have to respect his decision the same way he is respecting yours. You want him to accept not having children just to be with you, and he’s telling you that for him that’s not an option.

myceliummoon

Kids aren’t a “cross that bridge when we get there” thing. It sucks, but this conversation had to be had. You’re both allowed to feel disappointed, and neither of you is selfish, you’re just not compatible in this huge, fundamental area. It’s not fair to him to go along with the relationship knowing you may never want kids, and it’s not fair to you knowing he wont be happy without them. It sucks and I’m sorry. You’re NTA and breaking up is the right move, but you both could have handled the conversation better.

Clfmdmomoftwo

No one’s the AH here. This is a huge issue and you are incompatible. It is very naive of you to think love will overcome his desire for children. People can love each other but have fundamental incompatibilities that make a future together impossible. He is not wrong for saying he’d break up over no children. And you are not wrong for breaking up over not wanting children. Either if you could change your minds in the future-you are young-but no one should COUNT on that happening. Breaking up is best.

Adelucas

A lot of people split up because of the kids issue. It’s always better to have these conversations early, and he’s grown from a teen to an adult and decided he wants kids. You don’t. Neither of you are wrong, but you are incompatible. Most relationships started in the teens rarely survive adulthood, and the ones that do are because they are on the same page for most things. Kids are a fundamental part of life for some people.

AardvarkSea462

NAH, but I can say from personal experience that this is unlikely to work out. I was fairly certain I didn’t want kids and my ex-husband really did. I thought we could “cross that bridge” when the time came. but it was an insurmountable difference. It’s a very emotionally charged issue and a compromise doesn’t really exist. He is remarried with two kids, I am remarried with none. Everyone is quite happy.

hannahbalism01

Nta. Sounds like you guys want different things and are really young. His point about resenting you in the future is valid, but I guarantee you would resent him in the future if guilted or coerced into having kids. Which btw is a terrible situation for these hypothetical children. Maybe one day you decide you want them, that is fine but I don’t think at that point you will regret not having them with this guy.

crizzlefresh

NTA. You two are both pretty young so even talking about kids right now seems unnecessary, but the fact that he is pushing this so hard is a very bad sign for any kind of a future with him. Having kids is a huge decision and not one to be taken lightly. You don’t just twist someone’s arm into bringing another person into the world if that is not what they really want.

Forsaken-Intern7914

It was for the best, you were both wasting your time with each other and one of you probably would have ended up resenting each other in the future. You can’t expect him to stay with you when he wants kids and you aren’t sure you do, and he shouldn’t stay knowing he wants kids and you might never be in that boat.

scuba-turtle

NAH This is not an obstacle in your path. This is discovering that you are not heading on the same path. He has plans to hike the Grand Canyon, you want to head to New York. You wanted him to love you enough to give up his plans if you wanted him to. No one should expect that, it only leads to resentment.

Extension_Visit_1379

The two of you are not compatible. Sorry. It’s best if you separate and find people that have the same future plans or are at least able to speak about the future without emotional threats. Do not stay with someone that wants kids if you are unsure if you do. It will lead to heart break for both.

weshjali

As soon as this issue came up more than once you should have gone your separate ways. It hurts now but will be better for you both in the long run. Trust the red flags that you see. They help us to find what it is that we truly want and deserve. Peace and contentment are the real life goals.

GrumpyScot61

No not at all – you are still very young and it is impossible to know how you will feel about having children later. However your BF is sure how he feels now and this will always be a sore point in your relationship unless you change your mind. Take the heart break now and move on.

anythingbutfearless

Nope. You two want different things from each other. He wants kids with or without you. You’re not sure, but seems like you are leaning more towards a no. Even if you do eventually want kids, I can pretty much guarantee you that it won’t be on the same timeline as that guy.

thenagel

no assholes here.

you are fundementally incompatable, and it’s a good thing you’re finding this out while you’re both still young.

he wants kids. you might not. your life goals are different. there is no point in wasting each others time any longer.

Perfect-Girl3

You’re doing the right thing by leaving. I stayed with someone who wanted different things for 6 years, thinking love would be enough. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t. Kids are a fundamental compatibility issue and you’re smart to recognize that at 21.

BettieNuggs

i mean nta but to not understand that getting married is about family and who can sign death documents its like yeah why bother. dont waste his time he wants family. hes not getting married to support someone elses career

Winter_Parsley_3798

From experience…. Do not kick this can down the road. It will not get any easier to deal with. Be honest with yourself right now. If you don’t want kids and he does, then that doesn’t leave you in a good spot.

SecretOscarOG

This is the right thing. One of you would have hated the other, no matter what. Cause at some point one of you would have to compromise ALOT for thr other. This is the better thing to do.

ncjr591

He wants kids and you’re iffy. If you have kids you may be angry with him and if you don’t he’ll resent you for not letting him be a father. Better to end it now then after your married

EastwardSeeker

NAH. You’re ultimately incompatible on a foundational issue. That’s not him choosing the potential for having children over you, it’s both of you choosing your incompatible lifestyles.

LawlessOfArabia

NAH. Having a family is important to him. You’re undecided.

Can’t blame him. He feels his life calling is to be a father. You two are probably better off apart.

MikeReddit74

NAH. If he wants kids and you’re on the fence or leaning towards none, you’re not compatible. Better to end it now than to further waste each other’s time.

Robertinho678

“he suddenly changed the tone and said he would have no choice but to dump me for someone that would give him kids.” Sounds like he broke up with you.

hdgal63

NTA at all. Everyone is entitled to their feelings. It sounds like you two are now on different paths and that is ok. You are still very young.

ana-ominous

There’s nothing to discuss here. You don’t want kids. He does. the end. Not meant to be. You don’t want the same life. The end.

CosmicNebula234

You all aren’t compatible. You say you’re iffy, but it’s obvious you do not want kids.

You all need to end things.

Cherryc9

You’re both right. No AH here, just hard decisions. I’m so impressed the two of you figured this out.

Platypus_Neither

The relationship was doomed from the start if you’re on different pages about wanting kids.

NTA.

TheDitz42

NAH You don’t want kids, he does, it’s simple, your life plans are just incompatible.

Nerdy_Penguin58

ESH. You’re not compatible. Stop being rude to each other and move on.

Anarchyr

No ofcourse not lol why would you even think you’re the asshole?

l3ex_G

NAH you guys want different things at the moment.

ThexanR

It means you guys aren’t compatible

Conclusion

The OP finds herself in a difficult position, having ended a long-term relationship because her partner introduced an ultimatum regarding a fundamental life decision—parenthood. The conflict arose because the OP felt her boyfriend was unwilling to offer the same emotional support and consideration regarding her reservations about having children that she had offered regarding his desire for them.

The reader must now consider the responsibility each partner held in this relationship: was the OP wrong to prioritize her comfort over his stated long-term desire, or was the boyfriend’s ultimatum and refusal to validate her feelings an unfair way to handle a deeply personal divergence of life goals? The core debate centers on whether a fundamental incompatibility like the desire for children warrants an immediate breakup when one party issues an ultimatum.