Since the affair partner left three years ago, the ex-wife has repeatedly asked the OP to take an active, fatherly role in the life of her youngest child, including offering adoption or simple expressions of care like gifts. The OP has consistently refused, citing his lack of biological connection and the wishes of his own children, leading to increasing hostility from the ex-wife who accuses him of treating an innocent child poorly. The central dilemma for the OP is whether his refusal to engage with his ex-wife’s youngest child makes him an awful person.
Six years ago I (36m) learned that my ex-wife (37f) was cheating on me. I ended our marriage and filed for divorce but everything was delayed because she was pregnant. Once her child was born and it was established that I was not the biological father, my name was removed from the birth certificate and the bio father’s name was added.
They were a couple at this point.
Throughout we shared 50-50 custody of our three children together. My kids were old enough to figure out what happened. I got them therapy eventually after my ex resisted putting them in therapy and we had talks about everything.
I did my best to reassure them that they didn’t need to hate anyone for me or reject anyone on my behalf. But their relationship with their mom never recovered and the relationship with her youngest never existed from what I know.
The affair partner took off three years ago and since then my ex-wife has requested that I take an active part in her child’s life because I’m so involved in our kids lives. Each and every time she has made this request via parenting app I have firmly said no.
She tried to take full custody of our kids because I refused to include her youngest and a judge told her it didn’t work like that and I did not have a legal responsibility to her youngest child.
I ended up with primary custody of my children a year ago because my ex-wife made some very bad decisions and not only lost the house she was staying in but lost her job, had no savings and overall was left with next to nothing.
After this happened her requests for me to do something for her child increased. I ignored them for the most part and did as I was instructed to do by my lawyer and replied to the ones that indicated I was responsible for ensuring the child was adequately cared for.
Those I did say no to and reminded her there were places she could go if she needed help feeding her youngest.
Our kids still must go to her house for her every other weekend visitation and they hate it. Which angers my ex because they have zero relationship with her youngest and it angers her that I won’t ensure that all of the kids have a good relationship and that her youngest knows what it’s like to have a fatherly figure.
She said she would allow me to adopt her child if I was willing.
Then she said she would at least like me to do something. To express some care for her child. Send birthday and Christmas gifts, send food occasionally, offer to let her child join in for some activities.
I do none of this. I have asked my kids if they would like to spend more time with their half sibling or give gifts but they have always said no and they told me when they can make the decision not to go to their mom’s house they won’t have anything to do with her child either.
My ex has become more angry because there are things her child has missed out on and apparently they ask more questions now. Some of her messages on the app are now extremely hostile.
There’s nothing I can do about this for the moment but they’re saved so if we end up back in court they can be shown. She told me I act like I’m such a good person but I treat a child like shit.
I don’t feel bad exactly. I know I would have a very hard time being around this child and they’re innocent so I prefer to stay away and not let them feel the weight of my issues with their mother and how they were conceived.
But maybe that makes me an awful person. I know at the end of all this is a child who has only got my ex and nobody else and the child is innocent like I stated. Which brought me here to ask…
AITA?
Conclusion
The OP is facing a significant conflict between maintaining firm boundaries related to his past trauma and the perceived moral obligation toward an innocent child who lacks a father figure. While the OP has legal protection regarding the youngest child, his ex-wife perceives his lack of action as a cruel rejection, causing severe relational strain, especially as their shared children resent visiting their mother.
The core question remains whether the OP should override his personal discomfort and the expressed wishes of his children to offer minimal support to his ex-wife’s child, or if protecting his emotional space and respecting his own children’s boundaries justifies complete non-involvement. Is the OP obligated to act as a supportive figure to this child, or is complete detachment appropriate given the circumstances of conception and the ongoing conflict with the mother?
Here’s how people reacted:
I will say though, it might be worth asking your kids to consider taking a softer stance with their half sibling. Before anyone jumps me it’s not out of sympathy for your ex and her child (even though her child is innocent and undeserving of this kind of rejection).
It’s more for your your peace of mind as a father, it’s not your kids’ fault but their rejection is going to be a defining source of pain for this child, maybe their whole life. You have no idea how this will impact or manifest for any of them (all kids involved) as they get older. I think you’d give them the best chance in life if they weren’t tethered by such a negatively charged relationship.
The issue is not with you standing firm in refusing any interaction, the issue is with her terrible parenting and very poor decision making.
If you definitely can’t bring yourself to treat your kids half sibling well, then it’s better that you don’t interact with them. But if you’re not interacting with them out of spite for your ex, you’re punishing the wrong person (It’s not this kid’s fault they were born to a trash mother), and diminishing your opportunity to be a great man in the process.
Overall as time passes the sting of this whole thing will wear off and you can just be a cool uncle figure. Sorry this happened to you. Good luck.
not only is she entitled as fuck, she is refusing to sleep in the bed she made for herself. sounds like you have been more then gracious and a mother losing primary custody means usually she has catastrophically failed in her duties..
She could get the child a Male mentor or ask a gay couple to be foster uncles etc
So many options she’s too lazy to consider cos she’s more concerned about making up fantasy-tales.
Again, you’re not the asshole in all of this.
But you should talk to your lawyer to make her stop harassing you because it will eventually effect your health.
Here everyone on reddit will agree you did nothing wrong but her constantly asking you. It will make you feel guilty
Is the baby daddy paying child support or is she one of these strong women “we don’t need him or his money” who think it’s a big flex to let him off the hook for child support?
Stay strong on what you’re doing, being present for your children. You don’t have to do anything for your ex-wife or her youngest.
NTA. She made her bed, now she has to lay on it
If wife lost custody of your kids is other kid in danger too?
It’s unfortunate for the kid, but she literally made this mess and it’s no one’s responsibility to clean it up other than hers.
You’re looking out for your children and doing what is best for them/
Your ex should go after her ex if she wants involvement. It’s not your problem.
My heart aches for this baby. I know she’s not a baby…but we all remain baby’s. Somebodies baby.
Your ex f#ucked around and found out. She should put that energy into locating that deadbeat and drag him to court for CS.
Not your problem.