When the OP confronted the situation by visiting their boyfriend’s house with a friend, they found the boyfriend, Ellie, and another friend, Dave, waiting. Instead of support, the OP faced criticism from Dave and silence from the boyfriend, who appeared aligned with his friends. This immediate rejection led the boyfriend to request space, causing the relationship to collapse, leaving the OP confused about whether their emotional reaction was justified.
I think with the way this post blew up and what happened because of a POST, I should clear up some things. I never asked if I should leave my boyfriend for this. I asked if this was an overreaction; my crying.
But having thousands of people tell me this was racially charged, Ellie wanted power, my bf is shitty, etc, my brain went haywire.
Bf called yesterday and when I got there (his house) with my best friend, Dave and Ellie were there.
Ellie was crying and Dave looked really pissed at me. My bf told me to sit down and Dave started with how could I make a post that most of the people in the dinner party would recognise and know, and could shame Ellie and my bf.
My bf was silent, and wouldn’t even look at me, and was only shaking his head.
It felt like I was a kid, being scolded by my parents with my elder sibling disappointed in my actions.
That is what I felt and it looked. I admit, it was very spineless of me, but Dave went on for like a minute and I was just looking at my bf waiting for him to defend me. I asked Ellie, why would she alter my dish, after telling me to bring an Indian dish?
She said she thought Indian food would be brown.
This woman has more Indian friends than me, and she thinks Indian food is brown. She grew up in the UK, FFs. And I felt so defeated. The comments, my friends, and people around me telling me his friends came first to him, not me.
He said he didn’t think the sweet was a big deal. I told him I would never let my friend alter something he spent three days learning, getting people to taste it and got his mom involved in.
He saw I put a lot of effort into it, so why let her alter it? Why couldn’t he ask me?
Ellie started to cry and say that she wasn’t being racist and she wouldn’t know that I put effort into it and now she couldn’t host dinners again.
I said I used fake names, so why does it matter, unless she and Dave went around telling people? Bf told me he didn’t expect this from me. My best friend piped up that he expected that my bf would have a ‘f-ing’ spine, so I guess they were both disappointed.
My Bf told me, in front of Dave and Ellie that he needs some space.
I told him to get lost. I dunno what my best friend said to him after that, considering I left bf’s flat. I kind of tripped in the metro station, so now I’m crying on my best friend’s couch with an ice pack while his bf keeps giving me peach schnapps and my relationship has toppled over.
I wouldn’t have stormed out, had he looked at me once.
He just looked 100 percent on Dave and Ellie’s side, and acted like I was the one with the problem when she caused me hurt. If his friends come first when they cause me hurt, where would I have been, if I decided to marry this man?
My friends are good to me and are acting like I’m some fragile glass.
I even heard my best friend and his brother whispering loudly from the kitchen and his brother wanting to threaten him via Insta Dms. I hate that this has come to this, considering I have always been the ‘mom friend’ to my friend group.
Conclusion
The OP is currently in emotional distress following the abrupt end of their relationship, feeling betrayed because their boyfriend sided entirely with his friends despite them being the source of the initial hurt. The central conflict involves the OP valuing validation and defense from their partner against perceived slights, versus the boyfriend prioritizing the comfort and opinion of his existing social circle.
The reader must consider whether the OP’s expectation for their partner to publicly defend them against friends who caused offense was reasonable, or if the boyfriend’s desire to de-escalate and maintain harmony with his friends justified his perceived lack of support. Should a partner always prioritize defending their significant other over placating friends in a conflict scenario?
Here’s how people reacted:
That said: You’ve been together for 2 years? That’s not that long of a time in the long run. This sort of situation with mature people shouldn’t be something that escalated to ending a relationship.
Reading these posts and your comments makes me think that you were seen as an “accessory” to the friend group. Someone not afforded full “friend” or “partner” status, not treated as someone with actual autonomy and agency in relation to how the rest of the “friend group” existed. Ellie saying “I thought Indian food should be brown. I have Indian friends it can’t be racist. I wouldn’t know you put any effort into the dish.” says a lot that goes beyond the exact words. It’s about her. Why would her assumption about Indian food trump your lived experience in your own culture? Why would other Indian people’s perspective that she knows trump your intentions and experience when it comes to the dish YOU made? Why didn’t she even ask about how much effort YOU put into that dish? Why didn’t she ask ANYTHING? Because she doesn’t care. It was an accessory. It was something that she saw in no way as a product of a fully valid, human person who wanted to contribute to the meal. It was only something that was now entirely within her own provenance to with as she pleased with no need for clarification and input.
Likewise with your now ex-boyfriend. Through the whole event he only looked at Dave and Ellie? He only spoke to you in relation to how you ruined something with HIS friends? As if you weren’t actually part of the friend group? It’s because you weren’t. Not to him, not to them. You were being treated as an accessory. Something to fit a niche and to no exceed that niche’s limits. You weren’t seen as a part of the night’s events. You were only to contribute something that could be used by Ellie for Ellie’s night as Ellie saw fit. You were not to say or do anything else. You certainly were not supposed to act as if this were something you had any right to complain about, or to speak about the friend group to anyone outside of said friend group as if you were on equal footing with the rest of them. It’s so insulting.
I’m very sorry you had to find out this way. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. But it’s only two years of life tossed away by people who don’t actually want you around. Thankfully you still have your friends around to support you, you haven’t been isolated away from anyone, and your life hasn’t been completely enmeshed with your Ex. Take the break. End it. Recover. Grow from this and move on to better things.
Stay Strong, and Good Luck.
She is so racist! How would she know that you put an effort to it???? WTF!
She never thought she would be called out for this and all his friends said it was ok, but as you said, it tasted just cinnamon…
You EX-BF don’t deserve to be cried upon. He is an immature and controlling AH. He feels himself as much superior than you and wanted to scold you as a naughty child.
Thanks goddess you are out of this relationship.
Send you hugs and happiness! Don’t forget to read about abusive relationships, so you don’t fall for another weirdo.
Your boyfriend is a loser. He either doesn’t care about you or he secretly hooking up with Ellie, which is why he wouldn’t dare speak up.
Just block him the spineless loser.
2) Your ex didn’t respect you. That much was clear in the first post, but has been confirmed by his actions since then. While it may be an emotionally difficult time, you are better off without someone who clearly thought so little of you.
OP also absolutely soft af. imagine escalating some bullshit and nuking your relationship over this nothing burger lmfao. someone drop that eric andre meme
I think you have done well getting away from all these people. Stick with your friends.
He were never in your corner, he didn’t have the b*lls to talk to you, and brought his friends over to scold you.. you don’t need this people in your life
Dude that’s fucking weird all on it’s own. Never in a million years would I allow anyone to ‘sit down’ my wife and berate her like that. You’re a team above all.
Your boyfriend sucks. His friends suck. You dodged a bullet
And yeah, I’m still on ESH because why are grown ass adults acting like children?
Well rid of a spineless fool!
Ellie again: “I thought Indian food would be brown”🤡🤡🤡
Glad you dropped this clow trio.
1. The boyfriend
2. Peach schnapps
It hurts now, but you dodged a bullet.
Updateme!