The core conflict arose last month when the OP witnessed his SIL kissing another man who was dropping her off. Upon questioning, the SIL admitted she had been dating this person for a few weeks. The OP felt deeply saddened by what he perceived as a quick move on, leading him to decide he could no longer spend time with his niece and nephew at the SIL’s home. The immediate aftermath involved the SIL repeatedly contacting the OP, expressing that the children miss him and even offering to stop dating if he would return, leaving the OP questioning if his reaction was appropriate.
Around 7 months ago, my brother passed away and left behind his wife, his son who’s 10, and his daughter who’s 8. My brother and I always had a close bond, and I was also a really close uncle to my niece and nephew.
When my brother passed away, everyone took it really hard, my SIL was inconsolable, and my immediate priority was just to be there for my niece and nephew and help through this.
Last month however, as I was heading over to their house, I saw my SIL kissing some guy as he was dropping her off. I was shocked, I knew she was going through grief, but I didn’t expect her to move on so quick.
When she saw me, she said she had been seeing him for a couple of weeks through a dating app. I didn’t really blame her for she was processing the grief, but I just felt really sad for my brother’s memory.
I decided I no longer wanted to be with her kids and hangout with them.
My SIL has messaged me many times since asking why I’m no longer coming over, and she said she would even stop dating or seeing that guy if it meant I could be with her kids as they really miss me.
However, I told her it’s not my life, and that she should feel free to date whenever and whoever she wants, but I just can’t be in her house anymore and I need to process my own grief.
Conclusion
The OP is currently caught between his personal feelings of grief and respect for his late brother’s memory, and the emotional needs of his niece and nephew who strongly miss his presence. His decision to withdraw contact stems from a strong negative reaction to his SIL moving on romantically, creating a direct conflict with the SIL’s desire to maintain his involvement in the children’s lives, even if it requires her to alter her new dating life.
The central issue for debate is whether the OP’s need to process his grief by maintaining distance from his SIL’s new relationship justifies withdrawing support from the grieving children, or if his obligation to his niece and nephew outweighs his discomfort with his SIL’s dating life. Is the OP justified in setting this boundary, or should he prioritize the children’s well-being over his personal emotional reaction to his sister-in-law’s romantic life?
Here’s how people reacted:
The timeline of grief and recovery from it works differently for everyone. 6 months after his death is an appropriate time to be trying to move on for many people, and it is not your right to dictate when your SIL is allowed to try to live again.
Your actions give the impression that you are trying to enforce your ideas of “appropriate” grief onto others, and giving them consequences when they don’t comply. I understand this is not what you are trying to do. Grief makes human beings act in ways that can seem strange even to the grieving person. It is one of the few emotions that truly takes control away from you by force.
Forgive me for asking, but is this what your brother would have wanted? It sounds like him and SIL were quite in love given their children’s ages and her reaction to his passing. If this new relationship is giving her any sort of peace or reprieve from the pain she’s been living in, would he truly have been against it? Or are you against it because you feel that her attempts to move on are disrespectful to his memory?
Furthermore, wouldn’t he want his kids to be close to his family? To have them to lean on in this horrible, scary time? And aren’t they the biggest tangible piece of him you have left to cherish?
OP, I understand why you feel the way you do. I work with families who have the same struggles on the daily. Please trust me when I say that this is not helping anyone in this situation, yourself included. You will regret and be hurt by this course of action in the coming months and years. Take some time away, perhaps seek out grief counseling, but don’t draw this line in the sand with his children and the woman he loved over a kiss.
I have a broad range of resources made to help people in circumstances like these. Please don’t hesitate to DM me if you are in need of support. This isn’t something you can do alone ♥️
Let’s ask a few questions to gain perspective.
Your SIL may not actually be moving on, but using companionship to cope (or avoid) processing grief. Statistically, men 45+ in the US rush to date/marry after spousal death because they want their routines restored (access to care via sex/cooking/cleaning, etc). Regardless, many people struggle with being alone (emotionally/romantically/intimately) after partner death because they cannot handle the loneliness.
Should your SIL be condemned to a lack of partnership to honor your brother? Was she financially dependent on him? And if yes, for how long should she be alone to satisfy honoring her marriage? You’re putting an undue burden on her to satisfy *your* grief and it is not helpful to either of you. Remember, this loss was *hers* as well and she’s entitled to deal with it and manage her life as necessary – as long as it isn’t harming her children.
And on that subject: what will abandoning their children do to honor your brother’s memory? They are a living connection to *him* and you are severing that by treating them as solely a connection to *her*. How’s that fair? Children need and rely on the familiar and routine in daily life, and especially in times of trauma and drastic change. If you were a regular part of their lives, then by cutting off from them you are cutting off their living connection to their father. Would your brother want this of you? Would he want this for them? *They’ve already lost their father, don’t make abandonment a pattern in their young lives. Don’t punish them to spite their mother.”
NTA. You need counseling to unpack your grief, and if your bond with your brother was so strong please don’t turn your back on them. They’ll need you.
You have abandoned your niece and nephew because of your personal grief and judgement.
Grief is different for everyone, but, if you are struggling after 7 months you need help.
Your Brother loved his wife and kids and would want the best world for them and want them to love and be loved. She is doing what is right for her, but it sounds like you may have been in a holding pattern.
Right now because of your inability to deal with grief those kids have lost an Uncle as well. Maybe you need to have them come to your place, or meet up at the park if you really cant bear to be in the house.
If it was a different house would you still feel the same way?
Is it seeing your SIL move on that is troublesome?
Surely your brother would want her to be looked after and want the kids to continue to be looked after?
Get some grief counselling and get back in your families lives, because they are your family.
You love them, be with them.
It’s been 7 months not 7 days. And it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s ready to move on. Maybe she’s testing the waters or just getting companionship. It’s not really your buisness either way.
But you are punishing children for her going on a dating app? It’s not just her children. It’s their children. Just because she’s trying to move on means you want to abandon kids and give them Even more trauma?
Yeah. YTA imo. I have no issues with saying that either because you are punishing people for moving on or trying to move on. Punishing kids who are just trying to get through the day without their dad anymore. Punishing the wife who is *alone.* You were his brother but that was HIS LOVE. She is alone. She’s coping the best she can. They don’t deserve this petty punishment.
Your SIL suddenly became a single mom. It’s scary. I know it seems quick to move on, but there is nothing saying this is even serious. Maybe just comfort and to cure the loneliness of not having your brother. People often push those who lose a spouse to get out there and meet people pretty quick.
She’s not right or wrong for saying. You are not right or wrong for being upset about it.
The kids though, they just lost their father, their mom is dating, and one main source of stability disappeared when you stopped spending time with them. But you do have to take care of you first. If you can find a way of doing both, awesome. If not, nobody should judge.
i dont understand why would people try to guilt trip you into carring for children that isnt yours youre free to grief however you want
Op doesnt have any obligation towards his nephew, i know people who wouldve stop seeing them all together because it reminds them to much of their dead brother if the mom dating someone else is ops limite then i think we should respect it
Seek therapy to grief youre not alone and try to resume the relashion with your nephew when youre feeling better you dont have to be strong for them all the time you hve a life on your own dont forget
Just watch out for the kids, make sure her new man ain’t fucking around with their lives, please take on the role of their silent angel watching out for them and stepping in when needed
She could probably find a good dude. But that remains to be seen. Either way, it’s not wrong that she’s moving on. 7 months is pretty well within what most people would say. Most feel like around a year is good.
The kids did nothing. The kids have no choice but to move on. You can either help convey your brothers legacy to and WITH them, or realize that your actions as a reaction to your dead brother’s honor may make his memory fade from his kids even more than when you were in their life.
Do you love those kids?
Then love them, don’t implicitly punish them in your brother’s name. I am willing to be he wouldn’t want that…
She wants to be able to do what she wishes (which she absolutely has the right to do) but she also doesn’t want you to be able to what you wish.
Would I cut off my niece and nephew under these same circumstances? Absolutely not.
BUT even though this is Reddit, I will not berate you for making a different choice.
It amazes me how people think they get to control the emotions and reactions of other people.
I’m sure your brother would be proud to know you were abandoning his children.
This situation is common and shouldn’t be. You’re TA but so are thousands of people that think other people’s business is theirs to share.
Try other perspectives and quit being TA.
Idk what weird feelings you have about her moving on but you need to wrap that up for the sake of your brothers kids
Dude, you are punishing the kids, who are still your blood relation, for some non-existent transgression. You AREN’T close to your niece and nephew if your first reaction to their mother doing something you like is to hold the kids’ affection hostage.
You don’t get to police someone else’s grief and to love your brother so much it’s harsh to punish his kids because their mom moved on, which is perfectly acceptable. Should she just never ever have love again?
Process your grief, but this is wild.
On the other hand, not even a year in she is fucking some dude?
Damn, that a SIL i wouldnt want.
Keep contact with your niece and nephew when you get better.
Point. Blank. Period.
These are children that you say you are about and they are the last remaining pieces of your brother.
This has nothing to do with the kids.