She has left you out on purpose, and that’s perfectly acceptable. Picking a wedding dress is clearly deeply personal to her and reserved for her closest friends and family. You’re almost an in law, but she didn’t grow up with you.

You paying for the wedding doesn’t make you entitled to something she wants to keep special and exclusive with her own family. It’s like asking if you can be in the birthing suite with her exposed vagina because you paid for the nursery renovation – she politely declined your offer to pay for the dress because she didn’t want to feel obligated to have you there and she’s allowed her own autonomy in making her dress picking entirely her own family.

She’s likely already being very gracious involving you in decisions about the rest of the wedding, probably even accepting your opinion on some of them, because accepting money for a wedding is an absolute minefield – you could twist the control screws any time and say “well I’m paying for it so I want this guest there/this menu option/this musician” and she loses control over her special day. You’re already hinting at that level of control by saying “despite me footing her entire wedding” when in fact you offering your SON financial support for his wedding doesn’t mean you get to walk all over the bride’s wishes to have some special family moments.

YWBTA if you made a fuss. Paying for the wedding is a very generous gift. If you are going to use that gift as a manipulation tactic (not saying that you are), to make everything about you, then your son’s wedding will be totally spoiled and it will be your fault.

Give the money, but there are no strings attached. Honor what your son and his fiancee want. If you are respectful and supportive, your bond with your dil will come.

The dress shopping probably isn’t personal. I never involved my MIL. I never even thought about it. I went shopping with my mother and sister and then eventually sent a text to my in-laws, saying “I found my dress! Can’t wait for you all to see!”

Just the fact that you’ve mentioned paying several times feels a little icky to me. Please take a giant step back and look at yourself here. Perhaps put yourself in your DIL’s shoes and imagine this was your future MIL. Would you invite her on a trip to go dress shopping?

What’s your relationship with her besides the fact that you are paying for the wedding?

How much of your ‘input’  into the wedding planning have you wanted her to comply with because you are paying for the wedding? 

How respectful have you been of the fact that She is getting married and She has a vision for her wedding other than reminding her constantly that ‘You and your husband are paying for the wedding’? 

In your 4 paragraph post you have spoken about ‘We are footing the whole bill… We are paying for the entire wedding.. I wanted to pay for the wedding dress’ 

Do you see the pattern here and why she is literally flying to another country, using her own money and taking her own family and friends to shop for the dress of her dreams?

NAH

I know you are paying but I think you need to reflect on whether that money is a gift or a transaction with conditions attatched.

If it is the former, then you can try to talk to her and express that you are excited for them and would love to be part of the journey there with her.

If it is the latter, then you should have stated the conditions beforehand and they would likely have turned the offer down.

Your feelings are valid but have you at any point communicated that you would be honored to help her find her dress? Or just that you would pay and assumed it would buy you a seat?

Also, talk to her directly, don’t make your son be go between on a sore subject where he has to pick sides

It’s wonderful you are paying for the wedding and want to be involved.

But she is paying for the dress and traditionally only the Bride’s family participates in picking the dress so the groom and his family are surprised the day of the wedding.

You need to respect the emotions attached to picking a wedding dress and not impose your emotions and opinions. Given her Mom is not attending which you don’t say why, I suspect there is even more reason why this is an emotional sensitive thing for the Bride.

Paying for the Wedding doesn’t give you a right to take over! Be very careful as your reaction can seriously damage your relationship longterm with your son and his wife. YTA

Ok .. that’s HER wedding, not yours

She loves your son, not you.
As a mother in law, what you can expect is to be tolerated. That’s about it.
If you let her have her space, may be she can even become friendly … but expecting anything more than minimal tolerance, is asking too much already.

What for do you think she said that she wants to pay for her wedding dress and pick it herself?
Exactly so that nobody goes telling her shit about her wedding’s dress.

Leave her alone … for the sake of your son’s happiness. 😉

PS: she might chose the ugliest wedding dress in the history of the universe …
you will compliment her for her choice, no matter what, get it?

“she is insisting to my son that she wants to choose her own wedding dress and pay for it herself.”
Info: Does this mean if you pay for the dress, you get to choose it or have a larger say?

Tbh, why would you even need to be there? Its not as if youll get to choose the dress or its somehow particularly important that you see it in advance, its not going to change anything, youll see it at the wedding like everyone else. Youre not her mother.
To me it sounds more as if youre bothered by not being able to have your say in choosing the dress than about being excluded as such (just being there).

You can always ask your son to go suit shopping with him.

You’ve mentioned a few times that you are paying for the whole wedding, and using that as “evidence” that you should have been included in the wedding dress shopping. You also mentioned being “left out” four times – which suggests that you feel like you should have absolutely been included.

I think you feel like paying for this wedding gives you 100% access to the bride and her experiences (and probably all of the wedding decisions). While paying for the wedding is a nice thing to do (albeit dumb for your son and his bride to agree to for now obvious reasons), it does not mean you should be included in everything.

YTA.

I understand you feel left out but YTA. It sounds like you’re holding paying for the wedding over their heads which is why she is insisting on paying for her own dress.

I also get the impression that maybe you wouldn’t join quietly, have strong opinions, and would probably keep reminding them all how much you’re paying for. These are my assumptions from just your post so can’t say for sure.

Plus getting dressed and undressed for shopping is quite intimate and an experience she maybe wants to share only with the people she grew up with.

Are you an asshole for have feelings ? No.

But, she may feel that if you pay for the dress, you’d feel like you’d have the right to have an opinion, so she’d rather pay for it herself and have the dress she wants.

And in the end, it’s HER wedding and her experience and she holds no obligation to involve you in what is the most intimate choice about a wedding. You’re not her mother. You’re not her mother. You’re going to be her mother-in-law and you two are probably not that close. So, yes YTA for making this about you.

YTA. You’re paying for the wedding in part because you love your son. You want this for your son. 

You’re not paying to make the bride do what you want. You’re not paying them so they’ll be attached at the hip to you. It doesn’t make them “owe” you. You’d do it for your son, correct?

Look at your behaviour up to this point and try to evaluate whether or not you’ve been overbearing. She’s paying for her own dress. She’s shopping for it. She doesn’t have to include you. There is probably a reason why. Talk to your son. 

YTA. You’re not her mother. Her mother is her mother. You had a son, not a daughter, and unfortunately, it seems that your future DIL does not want to share certain aspects with you. I’m getting a feeling that she opted to pay for it herself because she felt some kind of way about you maybe holding the price hostage over her head. So she’s taking the women in her life that she’s close to and going to make a holiday out of it. You’re still invited to the wedding. She’s not shunning you. She’s just not your daughter.

Are you being included in the wedding planning? Your soon to be DIL is paying for her own wedding dress & she has her own plan of how she wants to achieve her goal.

I understand you’re disappointed by her decision to not include you but she is allowed to have her own vision of the path she wants to take to get to her wedding day. You can either support her on her journey or make it all about you & be a road block. I’m guessing that’s the reason you were not included.

YTA

She is inviting people close to her. Go shopping with your son for his attire and don’t expect to be treated like her mom or her sister. The family bond doesn’t appear just because legally you are her relative now and you are paying fir your son’s wedding. This is not just her wedding and if there was any expectations about this “gift” you are giving them you should have brought it up when you offered to pay for YOUR SON’s wedding.

She’ll be in your life going forward and you can build your bond. Don’t force yourself into this, let her have this moment with the people who have been in her life up to this point, you are part of her future and can share many special moments going forward. If you push this, you will only be ruining any chance of a good relationship in the future. Do something special with your son and let her have this with her own mother.

I suspect based on your DIL’s actions, that perhaps you’re leading the planning on the rest of the wedding, and perhaps in a direction she’s not pleased with. You are paying, and that’s certainly within your rights, but you may want to evaluate if you’re planning the wedding you want, or the wedding your son and DIL want. Because her behavior screams “I just want one thing about my wedding to be something I want.”

I actually think it’s incredibly rude of her not to invite you to the dress choosing, but when you wrote a blank cheque you shouldn’t have had any expectations.

Try to ignore everyone here telling you that you shouldn’t feel left out. Your feelings are valid.

Redditors hate all mothers-in-law and don’t view them as human beings with feelings of their own. They’re just seen as an annoyance/irrelevance at best.

YTA. I get the feeling you’ve thrown around “well we’re paying for your wedding” a lot (especially since you mentioned it twice in a short story). I can see why she would want to pay for her dress so you can’t have a say. Either way, she’s not obligated to take you shopping for a wedding dress. It seems like she is only taking a handful of the women she’s super close with.

YTA I give her six months before she goes no contact with you once she has children you’ll never be a part of your grandchildren’s life back way off. You will put so much stress on your son’s new marriage. He will side with his wife and you will be left out of everything.

Don’t be that MIL. This is her wedding & your son’s. If you think paying for it entitles you to anything you are nuts! This holiday may be something they have been planning since she was young. It may be a tradition. Doesn’t really matter though. Right now YTA

Choosing to pay doesn’t give you automatic access to any aspect of the wedding. She is free to do as she chooses and you are free to choose to pay or not. Your priorities may not line up with hers and that’s okay. But she is not required to include you.

Are you an AH for how your feeling? No.

But yta as I’m betting this comes from boundary stomping and being over bearing. Add in the fact she doesn’t want you to pay or help pay means you have most likely used money to get your way before.

YTA
You already told us that you feel entitled to be included in the wedding dress shopping because you are paying for the wedding. How many other things have you felt entitled to have an opinion on in the wedding because”you’re paying.”

It’s understandable to feel left out, but wedding dress shopping is often an intimate experience brides share with their closest family and friends. Her decision likely isn’t meant to exclude you but to prioritize her comfort.

YTA

Sounds very much like you’re paying for everything so you can control everything.

The bride’s dress is her ONE THING (in this scenario, I’ll bet) she gets to choose herself. Can you not let her have this ONE THING?

Are you holding anything else over her with that “but I’M paying” entitlement. Pay either from your heart as a gift or withdraw the offer since it’s clearly conditional. YTA

I’ve always thought it was weird when women invited their inlaws to the dress shop. When I got married only my family was there and nobody thought it was strange.

It’s lovely that you are paying for your son’s wedding. But it is not your wedding and you are making this a little bit too much about you

Huh. It’s funny that my wife picked out her dress without my mom being there and my mom never felt the need to bitch about it.

She has enough money to fund an international dress shopping trip. Why are you paying for her wedding?

Why does she have to include you?

You’re not HER mum. Go tag along with your son to buy his suit.

If your son was going out to buy his suit, wouldn’t it be weird to take her mom with him as well?

YTA you have no right to be asked dress shopping, your the MOTG not MOTB. Leave her alone.

What other things are you going to try to force yourself into because you offered to pay?

YTA 
However, if you’re training to be a MIL from hell,  you’re doing great, sweetie.

YTA you chose to pay for the wedding. That does not entitle you to anything!

How can they afford a holiday abroad and not be able to pay for a wedding?

If you are offended now I cannot imagine what you will be like as a MIL.

Maybe let her and your son pay for their own wedding 🤷

Don’t tolerate them. let them face what’s reality.