Idk. I’d go with ESH, if I’m being honest, if I was the ex-wife, I’d feel completely betrayed by my own daughter and couple that with the ex-husband that absolutely betrayed me, I’d skip it altogether.

IMO, I do think you’re the AH OP. Being an adulterer is not a small matter now you’re driving a wedge between a mother and her child when in actuality, you shouldn’t even be in the equation let alone a consideration.

I certainly hope the bride to be finds your presence there worth it cause I don’t see your ex wife and her coming back from something like this. I know I personally wouldn’t, I’d actually be damned. Anyways, good luck OP.

NTA.

Too many N.AH’s here. This sub has repeatedly agreed that the wedding belongs to the bride (minutely to the groom; somewhat unfair but that’s a different argument). The ex wife doesn’t have any right to dictate her daughter’s wedding even if she paid (as this sub has confirmed you can’t use your money to hold over your kid’s head). Her calling and meddling in the wedding plans makes her an AH to her daughter.

The step daughter wants you there OP. You go if you want to walk her down the aisle but be ready for dagger stares and ignore them. Remember to not ruin your step daughter’s day no matter what.

I think you need to talk to your ex in a honest way about how you want to respect both her wishes and her daughter’s. But you’re not sure how to accomplish it in this situation. Ask your ex what boundaries could be set that could make it amicable. Do you walk her down the aisle and not attend the reception or dance? Are you only in pictures with the bride and groom? Do you attend alone? What compromises can be made for sake of her daughter’s special day. Remind your ex that her daughter asked you to walk her down the aisle, not the other way around, and you would be honored.

Your ex certainly can’t forbid you from being at the wedding or walking her daughter down the aisle. The issue is between your ex and her daughter. However, you’ve brought enough pain into their relationship with your cheating already and don’t need to bring more when you could help their relationship by simply not going, and taking the blame for not going instead of blaming your ex. The relationship that’s most important here is between those 2. You’ve caused your ex enough pain. Take responsibility for your actions and don’t cause her any more. YTA.

NTA.
Your stepdaughter’s a grown woman and she’s made it clear she wants you to walk her down the aisle. It’s her wedding, not your ex’s, and she gets to decide who’s important enough to be there.

Yeah, cheating sucks and I get why your ex is still upset, but that doesn’t undo the bond you’ve had with her daughter for years. Your ex is making it about her own feelings, when it should be about what her daughter wants. If the bride’s cool with it, that’s really all that matters OP

Not the asshole. For everyone jumping on his daughter and his connection when he’s not blood but is father figure, have you thought maybe he was the more stabile parent and that is her anchor? Like the bride said, it’s adult business. My ex stepmom was the stable one for most of my hs and college life and when they divorced she was still my rock. And since she’s since cut me off, I can def see why the daughter shouldn’t have to break off that bond

NTA, you were exactly right when you said it only matters that your step daughter (bride) wants you at the wedding. Unfortunately although you Ex is obviously against this, she will just have to suck it the fuck up and be ok with it for her daughters sake. So happy for your sake that your step daughter is able to put things in perspective and see her relationship with you separately from the issues with your Ex as well, so very mature of her.

YATAH Good for the parenting and relationship with your step daughter. Your presence at the wedding will drive a wedge between the daughter and her mother possibly forever. You can have a great relationship with the daughter without humiliating your ex. at the wedding. You know all the guests know what happened with your marriage. Do not attend and tell the daughter why.

I can understand why your ex is upset about this, but the BRIDE wants you there! if mom has an issue with it, she needs to take it up with her daughter. I bet she won’t tho, because then she’ll be faced with the fact that she thinks her feelings about you are more important than her daughter’s wishes for her wedding…not a great ‘Mom’ moment…NTA

It’s honestly a sad situation all around and I feel for your ex. Her daughter IS actively choosing her cheating husband over her. Why couldn’t the mom have been the one to walk her daughter down the aisle? I don’t think OPs the ah for going through with it. I think the daughter is. I would never do that to my mom. 

You should consider your ex-wife’s feelings and back away. You’ve already caused her enough pain, and this is HER daughter. You can do something for her and her new husband privately after the wedding. You being there could really damage her relationship with her mother.

Given the fact that this will cause a HUGE bust between your Ex and her daughter the most gracious thing would be to gracefully decline and step back , with love . Your ex has suffered enough already because of your actions and it’s her daughter at the end of the day

Sincere question from a non-American: how is it even possible that so many young couples opt for the woman to be traded from one man to the other in a wedding ceremony? It is considered rather outdated, square and misogynistic in Central Europe.

It’s the girl’s wedding and she should have what she wants. I get her though. I was closer to my late Stepfather than I was to my Mother because he and I were more alike. Both he AND my late Mom walked me down the aisle.

And you walking her down the aisle is you “taking full responsibility for your actions”? It is your step daughter’s day but attending is only going to cause more damage. Doesn’t sound like you give a shit about the ex.

ESH except your ex wife. I’d have gone no contact with my daughter if she was awful enough to still accept the man who cheated on me with such open arms.

You both (you and step daughter) sound like awful people.

NTA – Not for this, anyway.

Your stepdaughter is essentially choosing you over *blood* here.

I’m guessing the mom/ex is a real piece of work. Not that it justifies the cheat but it explains the need for escape.

I’m going to tell you an honest truth i think you need to hear. You aren’t a good father figure because good father figures don’t destroy their children’s homes and lives by cheating on their mom.

NTA

Your ex-wife doesn’t have a veto. It’s up to the couple being married to decide who does what. Your step daughter is the one that’ll need to live with the consequences, if there are any.

I think I’m just not understanding why you asked if her mom would be okay with it if you didn’t care either way. Was that just thrown in so it seems like you care about her a little bit?

The fact that people are saying you’re not the ass hole is hilariously indicative of reddit’s insanely pathetic oracle compass.

You are, undoubtedly, a piece of shit ass hole.

I wonder if the ex is being so controlling that the daughter wants to ignore her? Something else going on here. Final thoughts: bride gets first choice, no one else but groom.

Honestly a bit creepy tbh you divorced, she’s not your daughter anymore and you still wanna be close to her. Not just that you’re a Redditor, doesn’t help the case much.

YTA. Can’t even stay faithful to her mom but your gonna walk her down the isle. If I were the mom I’d skip the wending. Then when the in-laws asked why, I’d tell them.

Yeah, you are an asshole for cheating and it’s obviously you lack self-awareness too.

Your the ex. That’s her daughter, not yours.

“Just because” LMAO, you ruined your family and say “just because”. No wonder you cheated, your mind is in the wrong place guy.

“Her daughter”… you’ve said all you need to, right there.

Also, you cheated.

YTA. You gave up any say you might have had.

NTA but with this, the relationship between your daughter an ex will just be in ruins, so make sure to think this through

YTA, it’s her daughter not yours. The daughter should not invite you to the wedding it’s a betrayal of her mother

NTA for the wedding specifically, where the bride has the say. But YTA forever for cheating in the larger scope.

How would you feel if your daughter’s future husband put her in the same position you are putting your ex in?

You didn’t respect your own marriage. You should be fucking embarrassed to be involved in anyone’s wedding.

The people on OP’s side are cheaters hoping they’re not cut off due to their despicable behavior.

If you actually regret cheating on your ex to this day, you wouldn’t attend the wedding.

If I was the ex wife I’d go no contact with the daughter , like what the hell.

It SHOULD be the brides choice. Everyone else can F off.

Her daughter is TA, that is a weird af thing to do

Step daughter giving you grace. YTA for cheating.

NTA but tbh the daughter is the ass.