The OP expressed his discomfort regarding the amount of time spent with Jake, but his wife dismissed his feelings as insecurity and accused him of trying to control her hobbies. After she missed a family dinner for a scouting trip with Jake, the tension escalated, leading the OP to question whether his feelings are valid or if he is being controlling. The central question is how to balance the wife’s established hobby and friendship with the husband’s valid feelings of being sidelined.
My wife (34F) has always been outdoorsy and loves hiking and camping. I (36M) am more of a homebody. We’ve been married for six years, and while we’ve always had our differences, we’ve made it work.
But over the last year, things have changed.
She joined a hiking group last summer, and there’s this guy, Jake, in the group who she’s gotten really close to. At first, I didn’t think much of it she’s social and has always had male friends but lately, I’ve been feeling uneasy.
Jake and my wife hike together almost every other weekend. They carpool to the trailhead, share meals during the trips, and sometimes even plan smaller outings just the two of them if the group can’t make it.
I’ve told her I’m uncomfortable with how much time she spends with him, but she says it’s nothing more than a shared interest and that I’m being insecure. I tried to brush it off, but things have been escalating.
She missed a family dinner last weekend because Jake invited her to scout out a new trail. When I told her I was hurt, she accused me of trying to “control her hobbies” and said I should join her if I’m so concerned.
The thing is, I hate hiking, and she knows it. I suggested she find a female hiking partner or involve more people from the group, but she insists it’s not fair to cut Jake out just because of my “jealousy.” She says I’m reading too much into it and need to trust her.
Last night, we had another fight after I asked if she could skip an upcoming weekend trip with him so we could spend time together. She said I was being unreasonable and that she’s allowed to have friends.
I told her it doesn’t feel like just a friendship when she’s choosing to spend hours alone with another man instead of with me.
Now I’m wondering if I’m being controlling or if my feelings are valid. She says I’m blowing this out of proportion, but I can’t shake the feeling that Jake is coming between us.
Conclusion
The OP is currently in an emotional bind, feeling that his wife is prioritizing a friendship with Jake over his feelings and their shared time, despite acknowledging that hiking is not his interest. The conflict centers on the wife’s insistence on maintaining this specific friendship dynamic versus the husband’s need for reassurance and boundary setting within the marriage regarding time spent with opposite-sex friends.
The debate hinges on where the line between supportive partnership and controlling behavior lies. Readers must consider: Are the OP’s concerns about time allocation and priority valid grounds for requesting a change in the friendship dynamic, or is the wife correct that this is simply jealousy infringing upon her personal autonomy and friendships?
Here’s how people reacted:
Your wife is using “couples time” that should be spent with you, with another man.
And yes – theyre not just hiking, theyre going on hiking **dates**…
Suggestion:
Snoop on her phone, see how and what they communicate about.
OP… setting a boundary is NOT controlling.. her having friends is cool – but even IF shes not currently cheating, shes exposing herself to developing feelings AND risking your marriage..
So snoop. And if nothing is there, buy “not just friends” by Shirley Glass and ask her to read it.
OP… even IF nothing is going on… shes currently disregarding your feelings.. actively pursuing the company of this other man despite the unease its causing you..
Imo you should – no matter what – soeak to a lawyer.. fir advice..
Do you really want to stay married to a person who seems to care little for you, your comfort and your sense of security?? Who pursues a ‘friendship’ with another man, knowing the pain it causes you?? A person who prioritises time with this other man over time with you, her spouse???
“She missed a family dinner last weekend because Jake invited her to scout out a new trail.” “I asked if she could skip an upcoming weekend trip with him so we could spend time together” – sorry but this is an emotional affair (at best) and possibly a physical one as well. The minute she puts Jake ahead of you and the family is the minute it’s no longer platonic. She also seems unwilling to do any compromising on her time with Jake. She is sacrificing time with you to spend time with him.
Is she at all open to couples counseling? I think that is your only option. Otherwise, you need to make a decision if this is marriage ending for you.
While your feelings are valid, they are YOUR feelings to sort through. She invited you to join them on their hiking trips. You chose not to because it’s not your thing. She is not hiding this person or otherwise disrespecting your relationship. You admit that you would not have any issues if he was a woman. So yes, you are being unreasonable. Your wife is allowed to have friends of the opposite gender.
Now if you are feeling you are missing out on quality time in your relationship, that is a separate issue that has nothing to do with her choice of hiking buddy. Address that issue without bringing up her friend because you do look unreasonably jealous and controlling by doing so.
It is perfectly possible that this is truly just a friendship and she feels you are being controlling and overbearing about something with which you have no interest in sharing together. It’s also possible that the beginnings of something untoward are happening, but I don’t think it sounds like your wife has given you any reason to assume that
You guys need to circle back and try and find common ground
Do not let her use those phrases unchallenged.
Group hikes are one thing hikes with just them 100% totally inappropriate an unacceptable.
Your next step should be to snoop on her phone and no this is not an invasion of privacy. If one spouse is doing something dodgy you have very right to snoop.
Also even though you do not like to hike? Just show up the next time they are going for a hike and ‘tag along’ make sure the other guy 100% knows you are aware of things
Maybe you should ask her how she would feel if you started spending extended amounts of time alone with another woman. For all of those things your wife fails to attend, how would she feel if you invited one of your female friends instead?
That being said, I would be SO unhappy in your shoes. What she is doing is 100% not ok, and I would be planning my next moves carefully. I smell an affair brewing.
NTA. Her behavior, all around, is suspicious and weird. Good luck mate.
Not the asshole. In fact – this is red flag city.
There is nothing wrong with her refusing to give up,a platonic friendship, NTA.
Problem is, if she continues to choose her friend over you/family, you may have already lost her.
Now that she is choosing time with Jake over your family meals and couple time, there’s a huge red flag.
The next conversation has to be less about Jake and more about why her priorities have shifted
Your wife has made an emotional connection to another man. I don’t need to explain any further. Full stop.
Outings. You mean dates? LMAO