Despite trying initial mitigation efforts like medication and restricting the dog from the bedroom, the fiancé has now demanded that the OP rehome Max, viewing it as a necessary compromise for their future together. The OP firmly refused, stating Max is not negotiable, leading to a standoff where both parties feel the other is being unreasonable; the central dilemma is whether to prioritize the long-term commitment of the relationship or the commitment to a deeply cherished pet.
Me (28F) & my fiancé (30M) have been together for 3 years, engaged for 6 months. I have a 6-year-old golden retriever named Max who I’ve had since he was a puppy. He’s my best friend, has gotten me through a lot emotionally, and is genuinely part of my family.
My fiancé recently moved in with me, and we discovered that his dog allergy is worse than he thought. He gets itchy eyes, sneezing fits and sometimes has trouble breathing. We’ve tried allergy meds and keeping Max out of the bedroom, but it’s still been hard on him.
Now he’s asking me to put Max up for adoption. He says it’s not fair that he’s uncomfortable in his own home and that this is something we have to “compromise” on if we’re going to live together long-term.
I flat-out refused. I told him Max is not up for negotiation. I understand allergies suck, and I’m doing what I can to mitigate them, but I won’t rehome a dog who’s done nothing wrong and who’s been by my side for years.
He thinks I’m being unreasonable and prioritizing a dog over our relationship. I think he’s being unreasonable for expecting me to give up a beloved pet. We’re at an impasse.
Conclusion
The OP is currently in a difficult emotional position, torn between her deep bond with her dog, Max, and the future she planned with her fiancé. The conflict highlights a fundamental clash between her established commitment to her pet and her fiancé’s expectation that she sacrifice that bond to ensure his comfort and health within their shared home.
The core debate centers on the definition of reasonable compromise in a serious relationship. Readers must consider whether a severe, unmanaged health issue like a debilitating allergy warrants the rehoming of a long-term family pet, or if the fiancé should be expected to manage his condition or explore alternatives to demanding the removal of the dog.
Here’s how people reacted:
Anybody who wants you to throw away your loved ones for their own comfort is a huge pass. If you had children prior to being with this guy, would he ask you to send them away because they’re noisier or messier than he thought at night? Not exactly a 1:1 comparison, but he is asking you to throw away a 6 year relationship with a creature you raised, and whom has supported and loved you unconditionally when there’s so much allergy medication one can take, baths one can give a pet, air purifiers one can use and vacuuming one can do. People who aren’t prepared to find out their allergies and worse than originally thought, unless suddenly life threatening, shouldn’t date people with pets. He knew you had this dog, but bartered that if it was worse than originally assumed, you could just get rid of it.
He’s telling you to compromise, and you are. You’re mitigating the issue and he’s bulldozing through and deciding that his way is compromise because he can’t possibly give an inch at all. What would be entirely his way if rehoming your dog is already compromising? Euthanizing him? I really can’t think of how one could compromise worse than demanding somebody abandon an entire loved one, seriously.
The one and only time I ever push mowed a yard, I wound up with double lung pneumonia that night and was admitted into ICU for respiratory failure. I proceeded to have chronic pneumonia for 2 solid years.
A sibling of mine recently done an allergy test, and they’ve developed an allergy to their dog. They carry an epi pen. They have to take zyrtec and allergy relief twice daily, and sometimes, having the allergy medicines upped to the point of one questioning if its even safe.
They’re not rehoming the pup, its only 4 years old, and its their dream pet. I believe their next step is xolitar(?) Shots and desensiti-something therapy.
I’m severely allergic to cats. It’s their saliva, proteins in it, or something, plus the dander. I want a Maine coone so freaking bad I cannot stand it, but I realize that will likely never be an option for me (if I want to live, that is.)
I see both sides to you and your partners scenario.
Allergies are brutal. At the same time, I admire my sibling for pushing through, because they love their pet beyond what words could explain and the devastation it would be on both my sibling and the dog, to rehome it.
Talk with your partner, and come to a reasonable compromise that works for all three of you.
If that’s not possible, keep the pet, rehome the partner.
This is just one of those genuine impasse moments.
He can’t live in a home with an active and exuberant allergen. You cannot be asked to give up your pet. The only reasonable solution is for him to move out.
If at all possible, and with some massive creativity, then maybe you can decouple not being able to live together right now with the decision on whether to keep dating or break up.
We tend to see relationships as linear. You date for a few years, move-in together for a few more, then get married, and have children.
But that’s not the only option.
You can choose a nonlinear path. And, for now, that may be your only option that doesn’t involve either abandoning a dog you love or asking him to live in discomfort.
Another idea is applying original design to your living arrangements. That could look like having him live in a basement of a house where the dog can only be on the first two floors. Or a situation where you build a second house on the same property and live somewhat separately.
Obviously, those are expensive and laborious solutions, but that’s better than forcing one person into grief or discomfort.
What you have to ask yourselves, alone, and together, is: how hard are you willing to work for this if neither can compromise in a traditional way?
I vacuum 4-5 times a week, wash their beds often, use Flonase, take zyrtec daily (Claritin worked too, but allergy doc recommended Zyrtec for my specific situation) and we keep an air purifier running. I feel pretty normal most days. Allergy doc said it would be better if the dog doesn’t sleep in the same room (and definitely not your bed!!!) but my rottie is an overprotective dope so she sleeps by my nightstand.
I never once thought of giving them up for adoption, 13 weeks of bronchitis and all.
You can take a shot regime – like 1 shot a week for 6 months and then 1x a month for a while to really suppress allergies. So modern medicine has, to an extent, done away with keeping the dog or the man.
If you’re putting in the effort to keep things clean, the question is how much effort he’s making to alleviate his synptoms? If he hasn’t even been to a general practitioner to ask what can be done, toss the man and keep the dog.
When we moved in together, he asked if my dog was coming—I said of course. He knew I had a dog when he asked me to be his girlfriend and still chose to marry me. My dog is non-negotiable.
We compromised: the dog stays out of the bedroom and has his own loveseat in the living room. Still, it hurts that my husband doesn’t like him. My dog’s old, well-behaved, and sweet. He complains about small things like water drips or travel coordination.
But my dog isn’t going anywhere. I’ve had him since he was a puppy, and I’m his whole world. I could never give him up.
I personally find it very difficult to believe if he is that allergic to Max, that he would ever get close enough to you to propose in these past several years.
Notwithstanding anaphylaxis which can be triggered cumulatively by allergens, is a serious deadly condition that can be unpredictable. So it is crucial to get the facts from the allergist and heed them.
NTA
If you really need to move in, create a space in the home the dog is never allowed to go.
My partner is allergic to cat hair and we designated one room in the house the cat can’t go into.
The rest is about cleaning A LOT.
But trading one family member for another? Not really fair.
Do with that what you will.
Have you tried taking the dog to the groomer regularly for baths?
[https://www.dogster.com/lifestyle/are-golden-retrievers-hypoallergenic](https://www.dogster.com/lifestyle/are-golden-retrievers-hypoallergenic)
Have BF ask his doctor about the allergy shots.
If you live in the U.S., the outlook isn’t good for any dogs. Dogs are being surrendered to shelters and killed every day.
I have 4 dogs so I’m biased.
Also think they ended up breaking up.
Might just be a simular story but …
https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/comments/1jwvd4z/aitah_for_telling_my_boyfriend_my_dog_comes/
Better keep max safe
He dated you and proposed to you and moved in with you knowing about your dog and knowing about his allergy. He can be a big boy or he can take his life elsewhere.
And not in the fun way. Pets are FAMILY. In some cases, more important than actual family.
Kick him to the curb. You can do better.
…😢😢… you have to get a new fiancée.