Ok. It’s probably BS right? But while the adults fight that out, the kids are missing their mom. It’s gonna be an issue for years to come, so someone needs to adult and parent and be seen to at least attempt a resolution. First, educate yourself. Probably with your family doctor. S/he may know a plausible diagnosis for the restrictions. And while it’s much more likely the man is a controlling jerk, parents who seen their kid nearly die can overreact and overprotect and look like jerks. A start with your doctor can give you a heads up on what’s possible here. If doc says it’s ridiculous, still get some talking points…. eg there’s no possible risk for the first 6 days but the nearly 0% risk is still too high when talking about a kids life, so your kids won’t have those foods the day before. It’s not gonna hurt your kids to understand another kid has needs, so please don’t do this discussion of fiction v jerk v truth in front of them. It’s probably too late, but someone can just stop at least.

Next step is to request a meet with this man with your sole purpose being to understand his daughters needs much better so you can work out how this changes your life…. blah blah words that can all be taken positively yet also end up concluding nothing. It sounds doubtful he’ll meet. Good. Now get others asking and make the meeting bigger and harder to reject. Let’s see how he holds up in front of 10 plus people all curious and interested and only asking questions to understand.

Aside from that, mom needs to…. jeez I dunno. Has she seen evidence the daughter is sick or is she steamroller by this man and quickly becoming isolated from her support? What if you don’t ask her? Tell her that every Wednesday at xx time you’ll be wherever with the kids. You all want her there too. And you’ll stay an hour whether she shows or not. It’s a bit of effort for you, unless you can work it into a sport schedule or something, but no matter your disagreements the kids need a mom. That may be one option to take the decision away from her, and if she’s being isolated you’ve removed her need to comply with him. You’ll be cast as a villain but that’s hardly an issue, especially if it works.

Anyway, the suggestions are just to get your brain into looking for solutions more than seeing problems. You’ve got the courts, good sense, and apparently even the moral right on your side…. you can afford to be seen to do more than required to facilitate amicable relationships for the kids sake.

And so NTA, but YWBTA if you cannot step up for the best outcomes for your kids.

There are two problems here. First your ex is putting her relationship with her new husband above her relationship with her kids: for me that’s a hard no. In my personal world-view, kids always come first, and that your ex refuses to make the effort to see her children under any circumstances, except those that suit her absolutely, disqualifies her as a mother.

However, I don’t like the pleasure you seem to take in this situation: you come off as spiteful. It’s deeply unimpressive that you are standing on your rights rather than doing everything you can to make sure the children have a relationship with their mother which they need, even with her flaws. You have made no effort to meet them half-way, or to see if there was something you could do to reduce the possibility of allergens coming from your house to theirs. They probably wouldn’t have accepted, but you didn’t even offer. And that’s not a good look is it?

Ha ha..the absurdity
100% NTA.
This guy( ex wife’s next ex husband) is one strange individual.
Are the food particles of what the two boys eat allegedly capable of escaping their bodies and somehow invading the allergic kid’s body?
This appears to be a situation where Husband # 2s kid wants what you lr boys eat but for health reasons can’t. So H 2 wants to exercise control over your boys.
Ef him.
Your ex wife is wrong and she knows she’s wrong. She took you to court and lost.
If anyone is keeping her kids away it is her delulu husband.
Stand your ground. Your ex wife ITAH.

NTA

This sounds like a way to isolate his wife and be controlling. Unless you’re lathering them up with peanut butter and other allergens she has he can’t tell you what to feed them when they are with you.

This sounds like something my mother-in-law would do because every other day she was allergic to something new. Though the only time the allergy would have an effect of we mentioned it. And no effect of the subject wasn’t brought up at all.

So unless the kids are bragging about eating things she can’t how does it effect her?

NTA. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. His daughter isn’t going to be bubble wrapped when not in the house. She has to learn how to ask and avoid her allergens when she isn’t home. Instead of learning that life isn’t fair and how to navigate her allergies, your boys are being made to not have a relationship with their mother. Every time she asks about your boys, tell her that she is putting her husband and stepchild ahead of her biologic children and over time, they are going to miss her less and less.

In severe cases there could be cross contamination brought in but this child wouldn’t be able to attend anything outside of home if this were the case. I call controlling bs on the part of step dad. Your ex wife allowing this to keep her separated from her children should be ashamed, it is not your responsibility to make her new husbands life simple. I can’t imagine loving anyone enough to allow them to separate me from my cat even for a day and she’s just a cat, for children it’s simply unthinkable. NTA

INFO: Have you already informed your lawyer and/or the courts that your ex is refusing any custody time?

NTA, but you’re likely owed child support. If you have the dates she’s refused her custody available, you’re likely owed back child support. I don’t know your local laws, so check with a professional before running to court, but worth a look.

Even if you don’t need the money, the kids have a legal right to it. You can put it in a long term fund for them if you don’t use it for their care.

Is the daughter licking your sons? Does the dad think they sweat allergens? I don’t see how there can be any cross contamination unless your kids go over with cheeks full of contraband like chipmunks. How do they handle her going to school?

Please report to the courts that the mom isn’t taken her time so you can get full custody and child support. NTA.

Making sure they don’t take allergens over is one thing, trying to control what your sons can eat when they are not there is insane.

NTA This is a joke your wife the one who left her kids. She the one that picked her new family over the her sons. I do understand that if his daughter is highly allergic. But if the kids have washed there hands face and brushed there teeth before going back home. What is the problem? When his kids go to school what happens then ? When they go out to eat what happens then ? To a birthday party etc etc?

So his kid isn’t able to go to school or be outside at all? I call bullshit. At most they could request that your kids shower, brush their teeth and change their clothes before going back to moms. Her new husband is controlling and he’s alienating her from family and probably friends too. The next step if he’s not doing it already is physical abuse.

NTA – How does your boys eating any of this stuff at your house have any bearing on this man’s daughter? I mean, other than contact – which should be negated by your son’s washing their hands. I genuinely don’t understand how this is supposed to work, she must come into contact with people who eat this stuff at school or just out and about.

NTA, she’s blaming you for her own failings. She could make arrangements and If her new husbands daughter spends time with her mom, then could work out a reasonable schedule. This all sounds more like her new man is ultra controlling, so might be a good thing that you’re kids aren’t having to spend time under him 

Had a similar situation with my ex and his new wife. They tried enforcing a strict keto diet on my daughters during their visits. I told them flat out – you don’t get to dictate what happens in my house. The kids are healthy, active, and their pediatrician is happy with their growth. Stand your ground on this one.

He’s isolating her and it’s only going to get worse. I feel bad for your children but it’s in their best interest not to be around that man. For now it’s the food issue (which is ridiculous unless she has it so bad she’s living in a bubble) but even if they complied he would make up something else.

This makes 0 sense. As long as your boys bathe,brush their teeth and put on freshly laundered clothes before they go to their mom’s the food allergies aren’t a problem. That is some sort of weird claim being made.

That said, your ex is a piece of work- what kind of mom won’t see her own kids?

Talk to your primary care physician. If you aren’t sending them with food, I don’t understand the problem. It sounds like he is extremely controlling and trying to isolate your ex from you and the kids. Your ex should have their own space to see the kids if this guy is having pretend issues.

It is a small list, I would just follow it, since your kids also live with another mand and it is effecting them more then follwing his demands. it is not like they are missing out on somethings special, it is just food.

It cound sound like some kind of power play from both sides…

Woman with split custody here. The second home becomes a ‘fun food’ space when one household has strict rules. My kids would binge at their dad’s because they knew they couldn’t have certain foods at my place. Learned the hard way that balance is better than restriction.

Court told her to go fuck herself, and so she can. Sounds to me like she values this new family over her old one. Unless your boys are secretly psychos and trying to force feed their stepsister those foods it’s genuinely baffling to me that they have this overreaction.

NTA. You’re parenting in your own home and your ex’s new husband doesn’t get to dictate that. It’s heartbreaking your ex is choosing her husband’s comfort over her own kids, but that’s her choice, not your fault. You’re not alienating your kids, she’s removing herself.

NTA. So your ex would rather bow to new guy‘s excessive demands than see her kids. I guess that’s all you need to know about her.

Seems like stepdad is doing his best to isolate his wife from friends and family, and using his daughter’s allergies as a weapon.

The husband just doesn’t want your boys there. The person(s) she should be mad at is; first at herself, for choosing some guy over her kids, and next at the new husband for alienating her from her kids & blaming you for it. Girly is lost in this guy’s sauce.

I smell a controlling rat in the wife’ new hubby……. there is no where they can go that they do not encounter these items. I would hate to be his kids.

now your wife not wanting to see her kids outside her home, that is 100% on her.

NTA

The courts are literally on your side. Why not bring her back to court to amend the custody agreement? Make her pay child support and you get more custody (idk how that works).

You have the judgments from the other courts for this mess. 

NTA. How is the kid going to go to school then? Also, I would insist on an independent doctor weighing in on this in front of ex wife and kids so kids know this is bs and mom is abandoning them. Hopefully you don’t pay any child support.

NTA. Keep everything to bring to your lawyer. Get a court approved app that your ex is to use to contact you about YOUR children only.

The only way that guy can “protect” his kid is to make her live in a bubble.

So school, public transport , shops, parks, restaurants, theatres, All banned for the allergic kid and the parents and everyone else in the kids life… or just specific rules for your kids?

NTA This new husband has figured out how to get this woman to raise his kids, and his kids alone. Kind of crazy how easy it was for him to drive her kids out of the house.

What about school? Does his daughter not have friends who eat these things? Is she never allowed to go to someone else’s house or have a friend come over?

Wow, sorry, I think YTA. You can’t think of making someone else’s kids feel safe? This could be a good life lesson but what I see is, only think about me.

Does everyone in the girls class have to abide by this list? It seems very strange that she would only have a reaction to people in her home.

Document everything. Times, dates, refusal, all the texts.

Then go for full custody. She is alienating herself to accommodate the new guy.

If his children are that allergy-prone he shouldn’t have married into a family with “ordinary” children. You aren’t the AH

He’s the AH. No your kids can have whatever they damn well like with you, but why are his kids coming to your house ?

NTA. The peanut butter is kind of legit but just for a short period of time before going there.

They’re nuts and more than likely better off with you than them.

Go for child support to cover the extra 50% custody time.

Well that list is BS and so 2025. Weird story

File for full custody at this point.