So let me get this straight: you generously offer someone a lifeline in their time of need, free of charge, and her response is to establish a boundary – because, you know, women sometimes have to deal with unwanted advances and feel the need to be clear. Shocking, I know. How dare she try to protect herself in a society that often doesn’t take her seriously?

And then, because her offhand comment bruised your ego, you’re now contemplating backing out of your offer. Truly, the epitome of selflessness. Because, yes, nothing says “I’m a good friend” like dangling housing over someone’s head and then snatching it away when they set a simple, reasonable boundary. Bravo.

So, are you the asshole? Oh, absolutely. But not for feeling taken aback – anyone might. It’s for making her safety measure about *you* and planning to leave her in the lurch because your pride got a little dinged. If you don’t want to help her, fine, but at least own up to it instead of blaming her for not trusting you implicitly.

YTA

I had to read your title and your post a couple times. English is not your first language. Here’s what I think you’re trying to say: I’m offended and hurt because she assumes that I’m trying to sleep with her. I’m not that kind of person and I don’t want to be roommates with someone who assumes I have an ulterior motive.

So, it’s not that she won’t sleep with you; it’s that she’s attributing a character flaw to you that you believe doesn’t exist.

That said, I don’t think she’s wrong for making that clear up front. I don’t think this has anything to do with you personally. But look, lot’s of us dudes would have that in mind with a friend who is historically platonic. I mean, people tell me that P0rn Hub is full of vids with this kind of fantasy. So it’s not outlandish for her to want to just say it. Most problems happen because things that should have been said go unsaid. Be glad she got this out loud here.

So…she said she won’t sleep with you, and now you want to renege the whole thing? If you DON’T want to sleep with her and don’t see her that way then what’s the problem? Just that she said it? If so – yes you are at the very least over-reacting. And you will in fact be TA if you truly deny her the help she wants and you offered simply because she was saying it out loud to make sure you guys were on the same page.

As a woman she was trying to ensure she didn’t wind up in a bad situation. It likely hit you the wrong way because you are NOT a guy that would expect sex in exchange for accommodations. That’s great! Just what she needs! Do not hold it against her that she said it. There are men out there that would and she was simply protecting herself by being by being blunt. I would not take it as a reflection on you or your friendship.

I can see how you thought you were doing a friend a favor, when suddenly out of left field, she brings up sleeping arrangements. But from a female perspective, she had to say something. Women are the more vulnerable gender, so they have to make sure there are boundaries, and that those boundaries are understood. They have to make sure they stay safe, and won’t be taken advantage of. Not that a friend like you would try to take advantage of a long-time friend, but I think it comes with the territory of being female. It’s a reasonable thing to bring up, because they never know when someone might try to flip the script.

THIS IS NOTHING PERSONAL AGAINST YOU! It’s just…life.

Are you reneging because she said it and you felt it didn’t need to be said or are you reneging because you secretly were hoping things might progress to that point and she made it clear it won’t?
Because the bottom line is this: it SHOULD be discussed so you both are on the same page, including if either of you start dating- are you allowed to bring that person home. Some roommates don’t like that, some don’t care. It’s a topic that needs discussion, so go be a big boy and clear the air. And grow up. Realize that us ladies, we run into people claiming to want to help us, when really they want to help themselves TO us.

Pretty sure everybody under here is just being weird because your a guy but yes Op what she said was weird and lowkey insulting especially if your not that type of person or if you’ve never even joked like that. It’s not standard for a female friend to just outright tell you she’s not going to sleep with you if you never said you wanted her to or even implied that. She’s telling you in her own way she thinks your a weirdo and if thats the case she’s better off not being in your space you have every right to be insulted.

I’ve had friends move into shared accommodation and housemates who weren’t even the landlord make advances. Not only that there are people who post on spare room pages looking for single females to rent a room and exchange sex for discount on rent so i understand her setting the boundary. There was a whole article on it happening in the UK and it happens a lot in the states too.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-9105215/amp/Preyed-sex-rent-landlords-Men-touting-rooms-exchange-sexual-favours.html

Honestly, I would reframe the conversation – “wait, you think so little of me you would even suggest I’m doing this to sleep with you?”

If this is legit because she won’t sleep with you, definitely YTA. If this is just because she said the unspoken part of your friendship out loud, then optics make you look like TA. That’s what I’m trying to figure out – do you want to renege because she won’t, or because she felt that she had to say that when it’s already been the dynamic of your relationship?

Bro – if you saw her as a friend, when she said “FYI we won’t be sleeping together”, a normal reaction would be “I absolutely agree, nothing to worry about” and you’d both be happy that was crystal clear and you were on the same page.

Whether you admit it to yourself or not, you were hoping this would turn into a hookup if she was sleeping in the next room, and you’re so insulted she crushed your dreams you’d rather let a “friend” be homeless. You were never her friend.

YTA

In North America it isn’t unusual for jerks to expect a female sharing a house with a male is having sex with him. Heck, some jerks expect sex just because they paid for a $20 dinner and will be angry when they are turned down.
She is just reiterating there is no expectation of sex. This isn’t personally directed against you, but a cultural boundary issue. I expect you grew up in a culture that has more respect for personal boundaries.

NTA. I am a female and sex discussion is never a conversation I’ve had to have be it staying one night or moving in. It seems to me like she feels like Gods gift to me and in her mind every man wants her. If you’ve never given off creepy vibes then this should t have been said. If she feels the need to mention a boundary that is obvious implied by your past relationship then she must be feeling some kind of way in the first place.

YTA.

She was just setting a boundary, likely because as a woman, she’s had to deal with unwanted advances in similar situations. It wasn’t personal, and instead of taking it in stride, you made it about your feelings and reconsidered helping her. If your intentions were genuine, her comment shouldn’t have bothered you so much. Backing out now makes it seem like you did have ulterior motives, even if you didn’t.

Dude! This is a thing every woman moving in with a man has to make very clear. Every close male friend I’ve ever had, who wasn’t gay, ended up making some sort of sexual move on me…every-single-one! So, yeah – it’s a thing; a really big thing that most women deal with. Sucks, because the “friendship” is never the same after that, as all trust is broken. Better she be open and upfront about it, from the get go.

There is only one conclusion any reasonable person would draw from you removing the offer after being told no sex …. And that’s that you expected it.

If you didn’t, tell her that you were at first hurt that she’d assume you had an ulterior motive… But after that sting went away you saw she was just protecting herself during a vulnerable time and that the offer of course still stands.

Well, wait a minute here. Are you a foreigner in her country? There could be a cultural difference rearing its ugly head again. Maybe where you come from it wouldn’t have been necessary for her to say that, but where you are now, it needs to be made clear in advance. It’s hard to tell without knowing those details, though, so it’s hard to give a judgment.

INFO

YTA.She was just making herself clear. It wasn’t an accusation. This would limit a later possible accusation that she was leading you on. It’s good she was upfront about it, and you would be within your right to say, “Agreed, and it was never a thought.” Now, your withdrawing the offer does make it sort of look like that was your intent, even if it wasn’t.

Yeah, you proved her right. You have NO clue how common it is that men “help” vulnerable women, then expect or force the worst.

You should have totally understood her need to just clear that up in advance.

IT’S NOT PERSONAL to you. It’s important and diligent of her to clarify.

Grow up and have some empathy for what women go through!

You are getting your the ahole a bit, so lets do this.

Would you say this to a straight man?

Would she say this to a straight woman.

I dont go for double standards. That comment was uncalled for and offensive. Before anyone says it, either the sexes are equal or they arent. Pick one and stop moving that goalpost.

NTA

If I were her and you decided not to help me out I would automatically think it was because I said I wouldn’t sleep with you and now you don’t want me there. It definitely would look like to her and others that you turned her away because she said she wouldn’t sleep with you. Don’t be a terrible friend.

I hope she tells that to a woman roommate too !

since you never know if someone is bisexual.

What a bad move from her . I would be highly offended from her words . Basically after all those years she believes you’re a sex starving brainless average male …

I would not live with her because she could easily accuse you of trying to have sex with her as she already thinks everyone wants to have sex with her. Protect your peace and safety. She has a warped perception of reality and it makes her dangerous. NTA

It’s a standard rule most women should tell men. Nta in the sense that… you’re not really trying to be. But most women would want that to be clear for the sake of making sure living with someone goes smoothly. She wasn’t trying to be rude.

YTA…just because she made it clear so there’s solid boundaries??? N ur posed to be her friend and now you’re gonna make her figure out other living arrangements when u know she’s struggling already??? some friend you are….

Soft YTA. I can understand your offense, but also try to understand that these expectations are more common for women than they are men, and she wanted to establish that boundary upfront.

YTA, setting boundaries and expectations around any type of relationship – including friendship – is important, mature, and healthy. Especially if you’re about to start living together.

You’re NTA. Her comment caught you off guard, and it’s okay to rethink things if it made you uncomfortable. Just explain your feelings to her honestly and calmly.

You don’t want to sleep with her.

She doesn’t want to sleep with you 

But because she said it out loud now you don’t want to live with her?

YTA

NTA. No need to assume things when there was no need to. Tell her that if that’s her view of you then she can look after her own arrangements.

Sounds like you did want to sleep with her and now since she won’t you want to back out. Just outside optics that everyone will think.

YTA. Sounds like you expected to be able to use her in exchange for helping her in her time of need. Borderline coercion.

YTA, she told you a clear boundary to make sure you were both on the same page.

Did you expect to sleep with her???

YATAH for sure. Why would you take that so pesonally? She gave you a boundary. That’s it. Grow up.

She said that because she wants to put the thought in your mind. She wants to sleep with you.

NTA very presumptuous that she would think you wanted to definitely a very large red flag

YTA any woman would be worried that was your expectation. You’re a bad friend.

YTA. I’m surprised you two hadn’t discussed that earlier. That’s standard.

YTA she was letting you know because the topic has probably came up before

Yta. That’s not an uncommon concern or thing to clarify from the start.

NTA

Her statement showed she was prepared to make future accusations.

YTA

If you only knew how many “nice guys” end up trying.