The OP discovered the meeting when she saw a message on Tom’s phone indicating he stayed with Sara until the early morning talking. When confronted, Tom became defensive, dismissed the OP’s feelings as insecurity, and insisted the meeting was necessary for him to move on. The OP is now unsure if her decision to call off the wedding was an overreaction to an innocent event or a justified response to a serious breach of trust.
I (28F) have been with my fiancé, Tom (30M), for three years. He and his ex, Sara, were together for six years before we met, and she’s been a shadow hanging over us the entire time.
At first, I understood…they shared a lot of history, and breakups can be tough. But we’re supposed to be each other’s future now. We’re planning our wedding, building a life, and I thought he was done with the past.
A month ago, Tom got a random message from Sara asking for “closure.” He didn’t tell me about it, and instead of ignoring it or at least discussing it with me, he responded and met up with her.
I found out when I saw a message on his phone that said, “Thanks for last night.” My heart dropped. When I confronted him, he swore nothing physical happened, saying he stayed over until early morning just “talking.”
I didn’t believe him, and what’s worse, he got defensive, calling me “insecure” for feeling betrayed. He says Sara “deserved closure” and that I should “understand” since he’s with me now.
The more we talked, the more I realized he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. I tried to explain how hurtful it was that he hid this, especially when he didn’t need to, but he made me feel like I was the problem for being “jealous of a friendship.”
But here’s the kicker…Tom then had the audacity to tell me that this “needed to happen” so he could truly move on. He even suggested Sara should come to the wedding “as a friend” to “show everyone there’s no bad blood.” I was stunned.
How could he think it’s appropriate to invite his ex to our wedding, someone he apparently still feels the need to “support”?
I’ve since called off the wedding, saying I need time to think, but my family and friends are split. Half say I should be able to trust him if he says nothing happened, and others think I’m totally justified.
Meanwhile, Tom’s been telling our friends that I’m “controlling” and making a big deal out of nothing, and now I’m second-guessing myself.
AITA for putting my foot down, or am I overreacting to something that really was “innocent”?
Conclusion
The OP is currently in a difficult position, having paused her wedding plans due to a significant breakdown of trust concerning her fiancé’s secret meeting with his ex and his subsequent dismissive reaction. The core conflict lies between the OP’s need for clear boundaries and fidelity in a committed relationship and Tom’s belief that his actions were justified as necessary “closure” that the OP should accept.
The debate centers on whether Tom’s actions—hiding the meeting and insisting the ex should be invited to the wedding—constitute a violation of trust warranting a broken engagement, or if the OP is being overly controlling by not accepting his explanation of an innocent platonic conversation. Was the OP right to put her foot down, or is she overreacting?
Here’s how people reacted:
During our time of “getting to know each other,” his ex did the same sort of thing you mentioned here, messaging him asking for closure. Since the relationship messed with him a lot, he decided he himself wanted closure. The key points here are that 1) he told me immediately 2) we were still in our intentional gray area phase 3) he invited a friend over to be a mediator 4) he updated me on what happened.
After that day, he didn’t maintain contact with her. Two months later I was able to cut my own ex out of my life completely (block his number and not deal with him for any reason). It was very freeing. After THAT we talked about making things official.
He didn’t keep me in the dark about his ex. He knew the situation with mine (and knew mine personally — long story). We maintained communication about it and didn’t attempt to convince each other that everything was great, because if you still have baggage with an ex, or if after a (bad) breakup you have to deal with them, or choose to for any extent, *you need closure yourself* IMO. It’s not resolved.
Being in that emotional state is not the time to be getting engaged and announcing a wedding. And it’s damn sure not the time to accuse a partner of being “controlling” or “unreasonable.”
I’m glad based on your comments you seem to feel affirmed in your choice. My own messy ex was one I broke off an engagement with for similar controlling and manipulative behavior. It was extremely hard because there were wedding plans and everyone knew about it. But it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, and it gave me space to learn more about myself before starting a relationship based on respect, honesty, and communication.
So while I am sure this will not be easy, I think you will look back on this and be very happy you made this choice.
The fact that he’s calling you things and being rude about your feelings shows that all he is considering here are his own feelings and his exes. That doesn’t scream “husband material” to me. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t think you are over reacting. I think this is a selfish and emotionally unintelligent man, and you have done the right thing taking time to process. I personally would not continue with him, but I’m not you. If you want to stay, I heartily suggest seeking some individual and couple’s counselling in order to see if it’s possible to get through to him about this.
He’s gaslighting you and being manipulative, why does Sara’s feelings matter but yours does not? He’s being dismissive and disrespectful of your feelings.
If there was nothing wrong with this scenario he would have told you but he hid it.
I really hope you end the relationship. I can’t imagine any scenario where he would like you spending the night with your ex and getting “closure” from him, let alone hiding it from him. You shouldn’t be put second to an exs feelings.
hopefully he realizes what he did was hurtful.
did you over react….oh yeah you did.
you blew up your life. 🤷🏽♂️
just like him, “talking” to his ex and not discussing it with you like he should have, there are consequences for what you’ve both done here.
I honestly hope you didn’t come to the internet thinking we would just agree that he’s the bad guy and blah blah blah.
this sucks. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.
hopefully you’ll take solace in the helpful words of others telling you it will all be ok.
good luck.
I first heard your post on Dusty Thunder’s TikTok and I liked when he was reading your post and read, “The more we talked, the more I realized, he named his d*ck ‘Closure’”. He quickly stated that he added the part about naming himself but he added it because it just made sense. I agree with him that there was nothing closed that night when they were together. You dodged a bullet and did what was right for you. Don’t doubt yourself!
You deserve better and should run a mile.
Trust your gut feeling, we have that sixth sense for a reason! If it wasn’t a big deal then he’d have discussed with you that he’s going to talk to his for “closure” if it was important to him. He should have told you FIRST that it was important to him!
I agree with the comment **SWOOSH** missed bullet that grazed your cheek and singed your hair it was so close!!
Stop looking here hoping to find a reason to believe him. You either agree to forgive him for CHEATING, or you move on and find an honest man. Those are the only legit choices.
He wants a door mat, not a wife. Don’t be a place for him to wipe his feet, and let the door hit his ass on the way out please!
3yrs is plenty of time to move on, if he’s still willing to give “closure” after 3yrs then he should just go back to her as its clear they can’t stay out of each other’s lives!
And a whole night “Talking”. That isn’t kosher at all!
Side note to me that text sounds like they did it. If wanted to talk why not just tell you and why not do it somewhere public?
You definitely dodged a bullet.
He’s 30? Sounds like he’s 3.
Some questions: why did they break up? Who broke up with who? And how long after they broke up did you two meet/start dating? IMO those things are pretty important
1. Why didn’t he tell you before?
2. Why did he stay overnight?
3. Why didn’t he tell you after?
It wasn’t innocent, and he’s gaslighting you. Lis
Please don’t waste more time on him.
You deserve to be the 1st option, not a 2nd one in someone’s life.
See the hills? Run to them now, girl.
That’s why he went in your back