NTA, understanding the finically difference is wise. She needs to understand the economic balance. My fiancé pays for A LOT! And to give back, I do things in return, like cleaning and taking care of other responsibilities.

He lifts a finical weight off my shoulders and encourages me to put my money away for saving while I can lift the burden of laundry off of him so his clothes don’t get ruine.
I love our balance. I don’t feel less to him by any means cause work stress is work stress. No one’s work stress is less than others. We find the burden of work equal. He’s just has the opportunity to make more than I do by a huge amount.
I find it admirable you want her to have a better balance.

Try and have a conversation with her about it. And if she still feels a way, do it anyway.

My partner figured out once how to pay for both our cat tax last year and I remember being shocked to find out it was paid. I remember calling the tax department to get it cleared up( i was confused at why i didnt owe anything) , and he comes in and says ” Oh I forgot to mention I was able to pay both our car tax together cause we live together under one roof, so I went ahead and paid it, since my tax was so much cheaper then yours, so I took care of it, no big deal!”
I remember beaming cause his was $100 , while Mine was $600. He said it was not fair for me to have that burden since we use my car 99.9% of the time for everything anyway.

Mis Man Math was appreciated deeply!!! And I always appreciate it.

He does let me from time to time insist when I want to pay something or take care of something for the house cause I communicate that this makes me feel like im contributing, and he also respects that with reason. :3

NTA I think you’re doing a good decent thing but i can also understand how someone especially a woman who takes pride in her independence might take it. It might help if you phrased this part or thought about it a different way:

>isn’t real equality also being realistic with our situations? I don’t think I’m being manipulative or trying to control her, I just don’t think someone should go broke to maintain a split that only works on paper.

in social justice language and context what you’re sort of referring to is called *equity*, not equality. basically it’s this idea that justice, truth and reconciliation isn’t a precise 50-50 effort or work or money split between one party traditionally or curre tot in a position of power or privilege or wealth and parties traditionally or currently marginalized or disadvantaged. if you two continue to discuss this (not saying you should or that you have to) it might help to explain this sense of equity or proportionality in your own words

now i want to introduce two other angles that aren’t social justice to look at this

on a purely logical level, the proportional aspect to your respective income makes sense, especially if you’re each paying the same or approximately the same *percentage* of your respective incomes to household bills and needs. even just as a temporary measure. that’s another way to approach it.

On a more emotional level, money and providing is the way some people show love or affection. If I were in this situation I would want to show my partner love and affection in this way. I would ask them to let me love them, in this way. Even if it’s just a temporary measure.

This is tough and I can completely understand where she is coming from. When my husband and I started dating we had relatively similar incomes and did our best to split 50/50. I’ve always been an extremely independent person so paying less than my “share” felt like I was owing a debt to him even though we had a great relationship. Flash forward he got a significantly higher paying job and we got married and started to divide what we each covered more equitable. Then we got pregnant with our first and I had complications that made my 45 min commute to work each way absolutely miserable. I suddenly was without my own income and even though I was pregnant I felt crushed to lose that independence.

I agree with others that her potentially going into debt does limit her independence but it is worth taking some time to consider how she is feeling about it. Having ongoing conversations about not only this but your commitment to each other may help decrease her anxiety about lost independence. You could consider starting with just rent being divided in proportion to incomes and the rest stays at 50/50 so she still feels like she has an equal say in groceries and dates for example. All this to say that money stuff is tough in relationships and just continuing to approach this from a place of compassion will hopefully help.

You’re sweet. This is actually what my husband and I did in the years we lived together before being married. We split everything in proportion to our earnings because he was making literally twice as much as me. Maybe give her some time to sit with the idea and revisit it from the approach that this isn’t about control but about making things equitable.

Splitting expenses this way can actually be thought of as more fair than 50/50 because it helps both of you maintain financial well-being. It balances the burden and makes things more sustainable for you as a couple. If her credit ends up negatively impacted it could eventually affect the both of you if you get married and buy a house together.

If her finances end up strained to the point where she needs financial help, she’s going to feel awful having to ask you to help or going to family for help. I’ve been that stubborn person who insisted on not asking for help. It sucks and I didn’t have to struggle if I’d asked for help sooner.

It’s also easy to adjust it so a trial period might help. You can always say let’s try it for three months and reevaluate. Maybe try calling it a different name when you bring it up again. You could refer to it as income-based expense sharing, percentage-based cost sharing, equitable expense division, proportional splitting.

if you can’t talk openly about financial issues, you’re cooked.

that being said, this is what my wife and i do. For any budget line items that are over 10% of income, we proportionally pay for them. but we split discretionary budgets and low-cost budget items. and finally, personal budget items we 100%.

so, her income is 60%, mine is 40%.
she pays 60% of the mortgage. she pays 60% of the vacation fund. she pays 60% of the home improvement fund. I pay 40% of each.
she pays 50% of streaming and internet etc, as do i.
she pays 100% of her cell phone and car bills. same for me.

this all gets filtered out in a yearly budget, so we know how much money we put into a joint account. the rest of what we make goes into personal accounts that neither of us can complain about. if we have a shortfall, we 60/40 it because being nitpicky at that point causes more harm than it’s worth. at the end of every paycheck, we both save roughly an amount proportional to our incomes in our personal accounts, even though that means she might be saving a few hundred more than me, it feels equitable because we each have a small amount of financial independence, and we know that a household isn’t about two individuals, but one unit.

I see nothing wrong with this. This is realistic. How can she save if she’s dipping into the saving funds? Then suggest 20/50 if she’s beung adamant.

She wants to talk about being independent but it should not equate to not “being kept” or “being less than”. That’s that mindstate thats been wrongly taught over the years.

And she can still do things but your main priority is saving up. Or downsizing might be best. You all eat out? Cut back on eating out and cook at home. Junk food? Cut back and try to eat healthier, vacations? Cutback to one trip or two a year. Gas? If you have a savings card or an app to walmart/sams club etc they will find gas thats cheaper for you but also sometimes you can carpool.

She should look at this not from gender or politics or “who is doing more or less” but what is best for you both and your living situation.

NAH

Contribution to a household or family is so much more complex than a mathematical 50/50. One of my parents was better at financial aspects of their business, and the other *thrived* at customer relations. Our guests had reliable service, but also an incredible experience.

No part of that was equal – one working back of house, one front. The heavy lifting wasn’t equal. Either physically or emotionally. But it worked because neither of them wanted to do the other’s part.

I’d tell her that if anything happened to you, you’d want her to be okay. Splitting the bills 60/40 would allow her to create a safety net. If she’s broke, she’s not saving for retirement, and that’s the opposite of independence.

NAH, I’d say. You’re approaching this from a position of kindness and fairness, while she’s looking at it from the mindset of independence.

This is something you can only resolve through open communication. Try to explain to her that there’s nothing shameful about contributing proportionally to income, that it doesn’t make her “kept” or anything like that. Whoever is stronger should do more of the heavy lifting; that’s reasonable, isn’t it?

NTA for wanting to change it but did you really think this was a one and done conversation?

Money is one of, if not the number one, most cited reasons for divorce. It’s normally to feel uncomfortable when you feel like you aren’t paying your fair share. She’s struggling with the same feelings you are.

Overall NAH, keep talking about it. Listen to her concerns and figure out how you two can problem solve together 

Don’t be 50/50 dollar wise. Just give her phone and groceries and you do electric and internet and split rent. Make it proportional and not kept.

But also, if she wants to struggle and go into savings due to pride, the. The lesson must be learned.

If you decide to marry, go to premarital counseling so you can have a third party discuss how there is no more yours and mine but ours and it will make life better.

My wife pays the smaller bills and I pay the larger ones. Recently she told me she’s struggling with the smaller ones so I take those bills off her. Tell her she’s over thinking. Long-term it’s about teamwork. We have three kids and things are stressful. My role is make sure we have food, shelter, clothing. Her role is to manage the house. I find ways to make her life easier.

Maybe you can sit down with her and talk about budgeting and let her know that you want her to be able to save more. I think there’s always the plans to split things in a more proportional way but then the guys mentality flips and they start holding that over the women’s head. It’s hard to trust that won’t happen. I hope things all work out for the best.

If she doesn’t cave, save whatever the extra you are willing to pay, and give it to her as a gift down the line, secretly pay off some debt she may have, or for any big future couple purchase

This is a tough one, it seems like someone may have held money over her head at some point whether family, friends or a previous partner

NTA

I wonder if she would be open to a compromise, maybe she can pick up extra chores or something to make her feel like she’s contributing enough. But then again, that could be seen as sexist and derogatory..

How about you picking up some of her extra spending instead? Say gas or phone bill..

NAH. I think what you want to do is fair, keep it more in line with how much you make. However, your GF disagrees. Respect her decision. Let her know you’ll respect it, but if she wishes to rediscuss it again in the future, she can. Then let it go and be emotionally supportive.

NTA – that was very considerate to make that offer.

But she is not comfortable without paying her own way (a commendable quality, btw) – so don’t be pushy about it.

If she gets into a position where she absolutely doesn’t have the money, she will let you know.

I think an equitable solution (like income based) would give her MORE independence. I suggest just communicating your long terms goals with her, you want to build a future with her not decimate her financially and splitting more equitably would help that

This might be extreme. But you could start saving the extra portion you want to pay for her in some kind of savings just in case she changes her mind down the line. This is only if she doesn’t want to have further conversation about it

NTA. I thought you were being thoughtful. She might have a special sensitivity to the idea of being kept or manipulated or not wanting to come across as using you for money. She’s also not the AH.

Equitability is more important than equality, her education should have taught her that. A percentage split based on and proportional to income is what is actually fair here. Frame it that way.

I’ll never understand why guys get themselves into relationships like this. If you’re not allowed to support your significant other when they’re clearly struggling, why are you even there

NTA.

NAH- tell her roomates split things 50/50, partners split things proportionally. She will still be paying but you don’t like seeing her struggle.

50/50 when you don’t make the same amount of money is cruel. It should be proportional.

Let her stay independent. She’s obviously not the marrying kind at this point.

Tell her you want to dependent so she can feeel head of household

Having less money in savings doesn’t make her equal either.

You did the right thing. She’s said no so let it go.

Tell her to listen to the slumflower podcast 😆

This is an unusual twist on this story. NAH

Your a doll & she is blessed to have you

There is equality and there is equity

Ask her to marry you. Problem solved.

Equal is same % based on income..

Fair is not the same as equal.