When Dan invited the couple to his upcoming wedding, with his husband as the best man, the OP expressed her moral objection to attending an event she felt would be supported by people actively opposed to her and her family’s well-being. Dan reacted very negatively, calling the OP names for prioritizing ‘politics’ over their friendship, leaving the OP conflicted about attending and facing pressure from her husband and others to overlook the issue.
My husband (M32) and I (F28) have been friends with Dan (M30) for a very long time. They grew up together in Kansas, and we all got along very well.
Back when I met Dan, we were a pretty liberal crowd. We live in a very big metropolis, so all the people in our universe tend to be as well, which is very important to me on a moral level.
Our friend moved back to Kansas, and met a very wealthy woman who has a VERY conservative family. She herself says she is more on the center end of the spectrum, but says things that indicate she is way more far right that she lets on.
It’s obvious to me she aligns herself to that party line since it benefits her financially (without regard for the rest of the population) and wants to be in daddy’s good graces.
Her family (from Dan’s words) say awful stuff all the time, racist, xenophobic, sexist stuff. I am an immigrant myself so I have been pretty uncomfortable knowing my friends is willing to cozy up to that family.
Since he started dating this woman, he parrots a lot of “both sides” shit that I have no patience for, and is clearly trying to merge into that lane.
We received an invitation to their wedding, and Dan wants my husband to be his best man.
I told my husband that I understand they have a bond, but I don’t want to go to a million dollar wedding paved by MAGA people who are actively rooting against me and my family.
My husband was understanding, but told me I should tell our friend if I felt so strongly about it.
I had a long chat with Dan and he flipped out saying that I’m an asshole for missing his wedding on account of “politics”.
I explained that to me is a moral issue, and it shows his disregard for my safety and that of my loved ones.
My husband and some other friends are telling me to set our differences aside, but its really very hard for me to enjoy myself at a wedding where I feel I will not be welcome to.
AITAH?
Conclusion
The OP is in a difficult position, torn between maintaining a long-term friendship bond, particularly her husband’s important role as best man, and upholding her strong moral boundaries against associating with people whose beliefs actively marginalize her identity and safety. Her actions stem from a need for self-preservation and respect within her social circle.
The central debate is whether personal loyalty and friendship obligations should supersede strong moral objections to the social environment and the values represented by a friend’s new partner and their family. Should the OP attend the wedding to support her husband’s role, or is her refusal a necessary boundary protecting her emotional and moral integrity?
Here’s how people reacted:
Sorry this is my long winded way of saying that they invited you to there wedding. Go, have dinner, a drink or 1, dance with your husband. Someone says something you don’t agree with, just say “Interesting thought, I will take that under advisement.”, then just walk away. No fighting, no bitching, ho hate, just enjoy the music and your husband’s company.
Idk what is going on with these comments, but it’s incredibly uncomfortable being somewhere you do not feel welcome. Full stop.
Go about it respectfully, of course, but don’t be surprised with any fallout.
It’s morals at this point, and all these people are doing, are showing that they can not be trusted/a supportive network, for people that they probably do genuinely care about. :/
It’s ignorance. But, I digress, do what you feel is right. Given context, if I were your husband, I’d understand. I do also understand if your husband would still like to attend though, so I recognize how awkward this situation is.
You’re right, it’s not about politics, it’s about morals. Why on earth would you want to spend your free time in a room FILLED with people who hate you, dehumanize you, wish ill on you? Why SHOULD you? Going to someone’s wedding means you support them, and their choice of spouse.
It’s clear you don’t support either of those things, and frankly that’s completely fair and healthy.
This friendship has run its course, and I would genuinely be looking sideways at my own spouse for wanting to attend and engage in a relationship with these kind of people. Good luck OP, this is an all around shit situation.
In this day and age, it would be unsafe for you to go to such a wedding.
I don’t pass judgement on your husband – that’s between the two of you – but I think you’d be uncomfortable the whole time knowing that every member of that other family is the reason why both the world is on fire and people of your similar status are being sent to dangerous places simply because they’re not born on this particular patch of dirt.
Protect yourself.
There was a time when we could put politics aside, when the differences were big government vs small government, budget differences, etc. Today, they’re about civil rights, human rights. Your friend might have been willing to sell out on their morals but you don’t have to.
How can you in good conscience put aside politics for a day when if his political party had their way would mean your quality of life would be lesser
The fact that your husband doesnt see this is a bigger concern than anything else.
You shouldnt have to wear a fake face and put aside differences for a day with biggots
There is no excuse for bigotry, ever
NTA
Dan’s soon to be sugar momma probably wouldn’t attend the wedding of two lefty, atheist, immigrant dudes. For them to expect different behaviour from you is dumb.
Yes.