The immediate consequence was severe: the OP lost his job, was cut off by extended family, and faced skepticism from his wife, leading to an arrest and two weeks in holding. After a six-month investigation cleared him, the damage to his reputation and social standing remained. Now, facing the aftermath, the OP is torn between pursuing legal action against C and her family for defamation and property destruction, and listening to his wife and mother, who urge him to drop the charges because C is just a child. The central dilemma is whether to seek accountability for the life-altering consequences he endured or show leniency due to the accuser’s age.
I (25m) met my wife (24f) around 4 years ago, and the relationship was perfect in all ways; we had many common interests, we rarely argued, our communication was great, and even our families got along well.
My life was honestly great; I had a great job that I loved, and we were even planning on starting a family soon. This changed when my wife’s cousin C (12f) accused me of something horrible.
She always seemed to stick to me whenever I was around, and I had tried to keep my distance because I knew how that could look. Her accusation quickly spread, and it flipped my world upside down; I was fired from my job, my extended family cut me off, and even my wife was skeptical about me.
The only people who seemed to believe me were my immediate family, and even then my brother didn’t want me around his kids. A week after her accusation, I was arrested and was kept in holding for over two weeks.
C’s father came to my house looking for me and basically broke everything inside. After I was released, I contacted a lawyer to fight the charges against me. A proper investigation was done, and six months after her accusing me, I was deemed innocent, but the damage was already done.
Everyone in our town shunned me, my friends cut me off, and I lost my job and reputation. I am now in the process of pressing charges against C, her dad, and several other members of my wife’s family that blasted me on social media for defamation, destruction of property, and more.
I am even considering filing for divorce. My wife is telling me to reconsider, saying that she is just a kid and did a stupid mistake, and even my mom is telling me I shouldn’t be vindictive and that I got my job back, so there is no damage done.
My dad has supported me fully in this, which is creating problems between him and my mom. Frankly, I don’t care if she’s a kid or what will happen to their family if I press charges; she ruined my life, my reputation, my marriage, and possibly even my future.
I am barely holding it together and have broken down crying many times, and all the drama and my mom siding with her is destroying me even more. I know it is the right thing to press charges, but all the people, including my mom, telling me she is just a kid is making me doubt myself.
Conclusion
The OP is experiencing significant emotional distress, feeling betrayed by his mother’s lack of support and struggling with the conflict between his desire for justice and the societal pressure to forgive the young accuser. His actions, while legally justified in seeking redress for severe damages, are being framed by some family members as vindictive rather than necessary.
The core question remains whether the severity of the consequences suffered by the OP justifies pressing charges against a minor, or if focusing on rebuilding his life without further legal conflict is the appropriate path forward. Should the OP prioritize his personal vindication and the establishment of legal truth, or accept the plea for mercy based on the cousin’s age?
Here’s how people reacted:
In most U.S. jurisdictions, at least, there is no such thing as “pressing charges” for private persons. This is a common misconception. Criminal charges are investigated by the police, who then refer cases to a prosecuting attorney. Only a prosecutor – the District Attorney, for state crimes, or United States Attorney, for federal crimes – can bring criminal charges before a court. A crime victim can make a report of a crime to the police, and cooperate with the DA in making their case, but that’s all. They can’t legally compel (or refuse) any prosecution.
This is, I grant, confusing, because police officers will sometimes ask people if they want to “press charges.” What the police mean, when they ask this, is, *if we go to the trouble of arresting this person and referring the case to the DA, will you cooperate by showing up and testifying?* In some cases, a victim’s cooperation is essential and the police don’t want to waste their time on cases in which this essential witness is not interested. But if there is other evidence available, the police will not feel bound by the victim’s wishes in the matter.
If you’re talking about a civil case, not a criminal one, then that is certainly something that private parties can file. Defamation is a civil cause of action, not a crime (so is divorce, for that matter), so that might make more sense in this context.
Successful lawsuits for defamation are very rare and difficult. To prove defamation has occurred, you need to prove that someone has made a false claim about you to a third party, and that you suffered a cognizable harm as a result. “Cognizable” means, measurable and material. It doesn’t always have to be strictly measurable in a dollar value – but that sure helps. True statements are by definition not defamation; neither are statements of personal opinion, insults, hyperbole, or general “puffery.” Considering the sheer ubiquity of outrageous untruths published every minute on the internet these days, proving all these elements to a legal burden can be challenging.
So there are a number of obstacles to a successful defamation suit. As the person bringing the suit, you bear the burden to show that the statement in question was false, and that you suffered a measurable harm as a direct result. You also have to contend with the “Streisand effect:” The fact is, filing a defamation suit will result in whatever statements you’re concerned about, being repeated, many times over, in court, and in the news, as you try to disprove them. It will attract much more attention to the matter than it ever had before. For all these reasons, defamation suits are rarely worthwhile investments long term (aside, perhaps, for celebrities who have loads of money to throw away on court cases, and who have public reputations that may be more substantial than common citizens like you or I). Almost everyone who files such a suit gets a YTA award, if only because of all the implication.
People seem to have this belief, from sensationalist media or whatever, that a lawsuit can be this gloriously redemptive process, where all your wounds are redressed and all your grievances vindicated. This belief is staggeringly wrong. Lawsuits are very expensive, time-consuming, and stressful. The filing fee for a lawsuit alone can be hundreds of dollars; to successfully prosecute one you need to pay for an attorney, for expert witnesses, for discovery. As such, lawsuits should usually not be undertaken purely out of abstract principle or high-minded ideals. They should be done only when necessary to get you something that you need. (For example, because of defects in our health care system, when you’ve been in an accident it’s often necessary to sue, or at least to threaten to sue, the other party in order to get necessary medical care.)
Your problem is further complicated by the fact that your tortfeasor is a child. She probably doesn’t have money of her own, to take if you win; she may not even be liable at all – in some jurisdictions a child’s actions are attributed to their parents, so it’s them you’d be needing to sue.
I’m not sure why you’re asking for the approval of strangers on the internet, when it seems that you’ve already made up your mind. You should instead be consulting with an attorney in your area, in private.
Sorry you had to go thru this nightmare. I’m glad you got your job back. Hopefully you received apologies from several former family members and friends.
I always enjoyed interacting with my younger cousins until I heard stories like this. As a result I keep my distance around all kids for this exact reason. They might grow up thinking I’m an asshole. There’s just too much to lose over a false accusation.
Sue them all. Your gf doesn’t have your back. I have a feeling that she was on her family’s side. Right now she is staying in the relationship until she can convince you to drop the lawsuit.
The she’s just a kid don’t sue her line is bullshit! That’s enough right there to dump gf and to have a serious talk with your mom. If your mom still wants you to drop it after everything that has happened to you it might be time to drop mom.
I would take a very detailed list of everything destroyed and damaged by the dad and sue for every single thing broken or missing.
Good luck OP. And don’t let anyone convince you to drop the lawsuit
12 is old enough to know that lying, especially about something so serious, is wrong. You’re a better man than me because I would’ve divorced my wife and cut my mom out of my life as soon as I was legally vindicated.
I’d take every legal action I possibly could against the kid and her family. I’d also sue the employer, if possible, for lost wages plus damages for the stress of losing your income.
Tell your mom you love her & you are sorry that she doesn’t know you & let her know you’re very hurt that she doesn’t see the havoc this has caused you.
This young lady makes it hard for those that inappropriateness happens to. She needs a lil lesson. I suspect she had a crush & was upset when you stayed your distance (thank GOD), she needs to learn that her feelings may not be reciprocated and that’s a part of life but you don’t go around lying on ppl because they don’t feel the same.
No matter what you do, no matter what evidence you bring, this will follow you for the rest of your life. Wherever you go, whatever you do, people will always think that you did it, and were lucky to get away with it.
This will not get you your life back. But it will at least hold them somewhat accountable. Don’t let bygones be fucking bygones. Get at least some vindication. (I never understood why “vindication” has positive connotations, while being “vindictive”, meaning trying to achieve vindication, is supposed to be bad)
Fuck them both. Cut them off entirely. This is non-negotiable. Your life was fucking ruined. Take that little shit and her ass of a dad for every last fucking cent they have.
Actions have consequences, especially when you didnt fucking do anything.
Unless the evidence proves you innocent, all we have is the courts couldn’t force a child to testify and that can be for all sorts of reasons.
I would need way more info on the exact accusation and how the charges came to be dismissed
What I would do is file a civil suit against her parents. Then offer to settle if her family takes out a full page add in the local paper with her acknowledging it was made up bs or something of the sort.
NTA
At 12 even “just a kid” should have learned not to tell lies
And definitely not such a big one. How horrible!
Apparently the child hadn’t learnt that lesson before so it’s time to learn now.
I would go all the way and file charges. That should run in the message missed before.
How horrible this must feel.
I am sorry for all of you
Do what you need to do.
The people that do have something to hide are those that are telling you to drop everything.
Please do not drop the charges.
Tell those that want you to drop them that they either support you or get out of your life.
You deserve people that will stand by you.
Divorce your wife too. She shouldn’t be defending the child, she should be defending you.
If she were to do this to another man. And you couldve have and shouldve stopped it. And it you didnt . Would you be proud?
NTA
Destroying someone’s life isn’t a minor mistake. That kid needs to be in a home for mentally unstable children.
Both are BS Excuses and need to be stopped.
Her father too, btw. Vandalism and threatening bodily harm is a felony.
She should be held accountable. Sue her ass.
She should have been thrown into juvenile detention.