The ex-husband requested that the OP purchase a gift for his four-year-old daughter, stating that she already feels abandoned by her mother and extended family. When the OP refused, the ex-husband became angry, accused her of being cruel to an innocent child, and suggested the OP’s actions were negatively impacting the half-sibling relationship. The OP is now questioning whether she was wrong for refusing to buy a gift for her ex’s other daughter.
My ex cheated on me and fathered a child with another woman. That child is now 4f. He has full custody of her and is going for child support but the mom isn’t paying. I have primary custody of our three children (11m, 9f, 9m).
He gets our kids every other weekend. I have only seen this child 5 times and I don’t have a relationship of any kind with her. I never interacted with her and while I know she’s innocent of what my ex did, I prefer to keep us distant.
My kids don’t think of her as a sister. I never tried to change that. For me them being close to her is not something I care about. If they are then they are and I’d have to deal. But if not then I don’t feel the need to encourage or promote it.
My ex knows this. And he knows our kids don’t care for his daughter. They don’t have the best relationship with him either. He’s not absent exactly but he’s been all over the place since the divorce and he works a lot of long hours and lives almost two hours from us which is partly why he’s not a 50-50 dad.
My ex lost his job in January of this year. He notified the courts and his child support payment was reduced for our kids while he’s not earning as much. The change in job and pay has meant he struggled far more and the kids have noticed the difference in quality of life when they’re with him.
He also warned them months ago that they would get a small Christmas gift each from him because he cannot afford more.
This leads onto his daughter. His parents died some years before our kids were born, his sister doesn’t talk to him, his brother stopped talking to him after the affair and the child’s mother’s family is not involved in her life either.
So it’s just him for her and he can’t afford to get her much. He mentioned this in our co-parenting app and when we went to meet with our twins’ teacher he asked if I would get her something or somethings so she can have some presents to open for Christmas.
I told him no.
He didn’t ask me again until yesterday. He had the kids at the weekend and dropped them off at my house afterward. He saw the gifts under the tree and he was angry at me. He asked if I got his daughter anything and I said no.
He asked what our kids got and I wouldn’t tell him. I reminded him it was none of his business what I buy. Then he took out this dollar store doll and he told me that was all he could fucking afford for his daughter and she’s just four years old.
He told me he knows he fucked up but she didn’t and he told me I could have helped, just a little, or could have helped the kids get close to her and maybe they would have wanted to give her something.
He said instead I was just a cruel and selfish bitch to an innocent child and he said she only knows being abandoned by her mom and her mom’s family, she’s unwanted by her own siblings and her siblings mom can’t even be compassionate enough to get her one more thing so she doesn’t just get one tiny doll for Christmas.
He also put it on me that if he got our kids nothing because he knew I’d get them something, and spent that money on his daughter instead, that it would make them pull away from him more.
He left angry and I went back inside and carried on as normal.
I know I’m not a saint for this and I don’t pretend to be. But AITA for not getting the child something for Christmas when I know my ex can’t afford anything else?
Conclusion
The OP is facing a conflict between maintaining emotional distance from her ex-partner’s other family and the emotional needs of a young child during the holiday season, especially given the ex-partner’s financial difficulties. The OP has made clear boundaries regarding her relationship with the half-sibling, which are now being challenged by the ex-partner’s desperate request for compassion.
The central question for debate is whether the OP holds a moral obligation to provide a Christmas gift for her ex-partner’s daughter, an innocent party, despite having no established relationship with the child, or if her decision to prioritize her own emotional boundaries and financial choices is justifiable.
Here’s how people reacted:
Knowing his sense of entitlement and audacity now, imagine what he would be like after you “give in”. He will literally become the epitome of “give him an inch, he’ll take the whole damn mile”.
He’ll know how to “get to you” and to get you to “give in”. It’s one Christmas gift now. But then it’ll be her birthday. And then it’ll be first day school and she doesn’t have any supplies. And then it’ll be “you have a relationship with her now, can you watch her for a week while I’m out of town.”
This is setting that strict boundary for you.
Hence NTA
If your kids wanted a relationship with this kid, then it would be time for you to step up. If your kids were being bullies or cruel, it would be your duty to parent them.
You do not owe your exes child anything. They are a stranger to you. You probably know your kids classmates better than her.
I wouldn’t hold it against him that he doesn’t get the kids any gifts. Xmas is a stressful time with people making up the obligation to give gifts. So long as they get time with him you are doing exactly what you are meant to do.
As for being called names, speak to your lawyer about enforcing a parenting app of some kind, and not having him in your home. This guy is a piece of work.
He’s projecting his insecurities and inadequate parenting on you. He’s trying to make you hurt as much as he’s hurting so that you’ll fix his fuck ups for him. He has still not taken ownership of his actions. He’s still looking for literally anyone else to blame for the situation he put himself in. There are literal charities to help kids in poverty get a gift from Santa, maybe if ex stopped tripping over his own ego he could make a decent Xmas for all his kids.
He won’t change until he accepts he fucked up. I pity the kids. At least yours have a chance of knowing better. NTA
I do agree that this 4 yr old child is innocent in all this and seems to be a focus point of all the anger her parents deserve. No child deserves that. I would encourage my children to recognize that’s it’s not their half sister’s fault their mutual Dad cheated and they shouldn’t blame her cause clearly her life is a lot harder than theirs.
But she is 4 years old. She doesn’t really have a concept of NOT receiving. He got her something. She will be happy with it.
When my daughter was 4, I was a single Mom. Christmas, for several years, was hand me down toys. Goodwill and thrift shop items.
He just wants a bail out. He created this. He needs to fix this.
It’s not your problem, she’s not your daughter. She’s the fruit of your ex-husband’s cheating, so you have no responsibility. Now this doesn’t mean I don’t feel sorry for the girl, she basically has no family, she was abandoned and rejected by everyone… she’s not to blame. Unlike other stories with children out of wedlock, this one makes me sad.
You wouldn’t be TA either if you gave her a little present.
He sounds like a horrible person. Maybe he should’ve used his brain before making that many children he has no means to take care of. It’s not your issue. Why doesn’t he track down the mother of HIS child (who I assume he forced to give birth and didn’t expect to bail)?
Don’t badmouth him to your kids, but don’t make exuses either. He made his bed, you luckily no longer sleep in it
Why the fuck are there at all if you feel that way?
Being miserable towards a child isn’t something to be proud of nor should be debated. That kid didn’t choose to cheat your scummy partner did.
However, YTA for not raising your kids to see the 4 year old as family. You’re their Mom, and teaching them values IS your job. The 4 year isn’t your family but she IS their family. Do better.
Sorry for your angst.
Happy Holidays.
His daughter is his responsibility. He didn’t create the child on his own so he should be harassing her bio mom instead of you for support.
Nta
It’s not food needed for survival it’s toys.