Honestly it’s understandable where you’re coming from there’s lots of anger and it’s probably easiest to aim it at him. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what you do or if you cause him more hurt. She’s gone and both of you have to live with the past of it. At this point you need to consider how you’ll proceed based on how you want your kids to view you and how it’ll affect them. If you decide to be kind but don’t want him at the wake/funeral you can also give him the option of viewing separately but to be gone and not around for the rest. Either way it’s a choice you have to live with. You’ll have a lot of people telling you to go the anger route but that’s most people’s choice because is far easier to give in and just stay bitter than sit with the reality of things. Do what you gotta do for your kids you two are adults and need to handle it as such for their sakes.

NTA, but you would be the bigger person if you could allow him at the funeral. I’d want him to promise stay in the back, not to interact with any of the family and keep a small profile. In the end, they apparently loved each other. He’s already suffering from her death, so is it necessary to keep him from the funeral for him to suffer more?

I also understand if you couldn’t stand the sight of him. If the kids know what he looks like and would be upset if he was there, then I wouldn’t allow him for that reason as well. It’s a really tough situation and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Absolutely NTA. You can ask for the funeral home to act as a sort-of security guard/bouncer. You could assign a family member to stay at the door. You could have an invite-only service, or a list of welcomed people at the door. There’s always the chance he may show up. So it’d be best to keep the arrangements quiet, among family & close friends only, & tell them they’re not allowed to tell others, aka her AP, or post it on social media. Don’t publish an obit if it lists the days/times.

NTA

Your kids have been through so much. They need all the love, support and stability they can get right now. Anyone who would make things more difficult for your kids or disturb your family’s little peace right now can fuck right off. I assume scummy AP falls in that category. His grief may be real but he helped tear your family apart and he can mourn with HIS family because he certainly doesn’t belong anywhere close to yours. I’m so sorry for your loss. 

NTA. Your kids’ feelings trump anything else, and seeing the man their mother broke up the family for at her funeral is probably going to upset them. On top of that, your own feelings matter. She was your wife and the mother of your kids and you have some really complicated stuff to work through. Having to suffer his presence is not going to help that.

He can find his own way to mourn. You don’t owe him a thing.

NTA. Your priority right now should be your children, not your wife’s affair partner. Imagine how they would feel seeing him at the funeral—probably confused, hurt, and betrayed all over again. This funeral should be about honoring their mother and helping them heal. You don’t need to add any more drama by allowing someone who contributed to your family’s pain to attend.

I don’t think anyone would judge you keeping AP away.

However you can show your kids what compassion & kindness looks like in a very meaningful way. Your (STB Ex) wife was with this person and obviously cared for him. perhaps you can allow him to go for sometime and you can step out if needed.

do your kids know this person? do they get along w them?

My grandfather died shortly after leaving my grandmother for his physical therapist and the AP came to the funeral. Not only did she attend, she made a scene when my grandfather’s military flag was presented to my grandmother and not given to her.
She tried to fight my mom and her siblings for his estate but lost thank goodness.

Normally I’d be of the mind set of why do you even care at this point, but the kids. You have to protect them from this. Asking a kid to emotionally deal with their mother’s death and affair at the same time is just selfish. If dude loved their mother like he’s claiming he’d know better. You are definitely NTAH

If he persists, I’d remind him he already destroyed your family and that the least he can do is have the decency to stay away while you and your kids grieve. If he is incapable of that courtesy, then let him know security will be on the look out for him and will escort him away from the services

Nta

You are NTA. That being said, you could show them you are the bigger person by giving them 10-15 minutes with your wife alone at the funeral home (or wherever) to say goodbye before the other mourners and family members arrive. By no means should they be allowed to be present with your/her family.

NTA. But tell AP, he can visit her grave after the funeral and remind him that there will be very upset kids at the funeral who does not need him there and if he wants to honour her then he can go to her grave. This way, you can never be a villain to any one, just a concerned father.

NTA. Regardless of your feelings for your wife, your kids just lost their mom. They don´t need to see her AP in her funeral.

Eventually, if you feel up for it, I´d share the info of where she is buried for his closure. Right now, your only focus should be your family. AP can deal with it.

He didnt care when he knew your had a husband and kids, all you can do is try and protect your kids from all this, everything will be fresh with hurt and pain and losing your wife and the kids mother. everything will be raw but be there for your kids they need you now more then ever.

YTA it’s her funeral like u don’t get to decide who comes to her funeral sorry if that causes drama then that’s on you for starting drama I’m sure he just wants to grieve I understand the situation sucks for u but don’t hold that petty won’t do well for u karma wise

I had all the anger and hurt that goes with a cheating spouse.

It would bother me almost to being painful but I would let the AP come and farewell her. There is no such thing as closure as grief is forever but there is a human need for a final goodbye.

NTA. His grief is not your problem or your responsibility. Your concern is your children, and only your children (and then yourself) which it sounds like is what you are doing. I’m sorry this happened to you, and your kids.

YTA. You could just tell him to stay in the back and out of the way at the service because family and kids will be there and you don’t want extra stuff to deal with. But to flat out exclude him like that? You’re definitely TA.

He played a role in breaking up your marriage and family, so you don’t owe him anything. You made the right choice—unless your kids specifically want him there, which seems unlikely, there’s no obligation on your part.

NTA, inform him to irreverently to pound sand! This is the cost of him participating in destroying a family. He can go into the woods and grieve all by himself.

Let us know if he showed up.

updateme

Your sole responsibility right now is supporting your kids and helping them honor their mom and process their grief. AP is luck he only got told to fuck off and you don’t need to justify anything.

NTA.

YTA. You sound like such a massive and petty asshole. Honestly, no wonder she cheated. She probably realized she was stuck with a real monster and I’m so happy she was able to find a bit of happiness

He helped to destroy your marriage and family, you owe him nothing. You did the right thing, unless your kids ask him to be there, which I doubt they will then you owe him nothing.

Ask a friend to watch out for him at the door of the service.  that if he shows up tell the bastard turn around or cops will be called.

NTA, it’s not going to help your kids to grieve to have to see him there, or to have their dad justifiably distracted by his presence.

I am sorry for your loss.

You can always tell him to pay his respects off hours and to make arrangements with the funeral home

NTA. You should invite him. Just let him know that if he attends the funeral it’s going to be a service for two.

AP needs to learn his fucking place. It definitely isn’t the funeral near you or your grieving children.

Definitely the asshole. Let him go. And you should have let her family handle the funeral arrangements.

What is AP in this situation? I understand in context I think, but what words are AP for?

What’s AP? I keep thinking advanced placement, but the context is wrong.

NTA. The man who broke your marriage has no right to be there.

What would your dead wife have wanted?

Yta, she left you for a reason.