In response to this change in plans, the mother felt deeply hurt by the perceived rejection of the tradition she maintained. She informed her children that if they would not attend, she would cancel all preparations, including decorating and cooking the Christmas dinner. The children reacted negatively, accusing the mother of overreacting and punishing them, leaving the mother to question the validity of her strong reaction.
I’m 52 and the mother of three adult children (25, 27, and 30 years old). Every year, I host Christmas at my house, and it’s always been an important tradition for our family. However, this year, my kids told me they’d rather spend Christmas with their partners and their families.
I was deeply hurt because I’ve always made a huge effort to bring everyone together and keep the tradition alive. I told them that if they’re not coming, I won’t decorate the house or make Christmas dinner.
Basically, I canceled everything.
Now they’re upset, saying I’m overreacting and punishing them for wanting to spend time with their partners. My husband thinks I should reconsider, but I feel that if they don’t care about the tradition, why should I?
Conclusion
The core conflict lies between the mother’s deep emotional investment in maintaining a family tradition and her adult children’s desire to integrate their partners’ families into their holiday celebrations. The mother’s decision to cancel all plans stemmed from feeling unappreciated for her past efforts, while the children view her response as an unfair punitive action against their choices.
The question remains whether the mother was justified in canceling the entire event as a reaction to feeling excluded, or if this move constitutes an overreaction that punishes everyone for a natural evolution of the family structure. Should the tradition be allowed to change, or must the organizer enforce its continuation?
Here’s how people reacted:
My mom bypassed this issue by having everyone over to her house on Christmas Eve. People would start getting there as early as noon. Sometimes some people couldn’t come. Sometimes some people were late because of work. However, by 6 pm at the latest we were all opening presents from our extended family members. Mom would make Christmas style snacks that everyone would snack on while they were there. By 8 pm pretty much everyone had left and gone to their own houses to do the Christmas thing in their own. We’d all invite mom to come by on Christmas Day. If she didn’t then we’d make sure to call her. This is the way.
YTA
I will never and would never demand my children to choose me over anyone or every one else to rearrange their life to put only me first. That’s not loving, that’s selfish self centered narcissistic wrong headed cold hearted thinking.
YTA
It’s one day of the year arbitrarily determined to be on a specific date. We can celebrate any holiday on any date for any reason on any date we choose. OR. Alienate your whole family over unrealistic unreasonable expectations.
YTA
I feel so sad for your un-loved children.
(Spoiler: the answer is no.)
The only one you punish is yourself, if you “cancel” Christmas.
Life changes. Every single year. You adapt, or get angry and hurt.
Make new traditions. Use technology to keep you connected (family album of one picture each day of something you want to share of your holiday? a video call the afternoon of Christmas for half an hour? a day-after-Christmas leftovers brunch? get creative!)
YTA, but I get that it is coming from a place of … negative feelings. Don’t be that person that tries to become a living representation of the Grinch.
I was determined not to repeat that – we celebrate when everyone is available (as early as Dec 21 and as late as Jan 11)
My father missed his last family Christmas because he refused to reschedule when my BIL (the host)was in hospital for most of the 6 weeks prior to dinner. 3 of his 4 adult kids hadn’t seen him since Dec 2010, when he died Dec 2012. I’m 55 and don’t miss him
You are a selfish, entitled mother.
Your kids are adults now and have other priorities in their lives.
You are not the center of their universe or anyone’s universe for that matter.
And that you tried to guilt them and make them feel bad shows exactly what kind of person you are.
At least, tell your husband he should out and celebrate Christmas with his buddies while you sit at home crying “Woe is me” and making Scrooge look like a nice fellow.
And now you’ve no doubt caused them to feel guilty about it. They might have wanted to do it with their respective in-laws this year. Their parents deserve it too.
YTA and a baby.
We do Christmas as a couple, one dinner with my mother in law and all my siblings-in law, and one dinner with my mom and siblings sometimes another dinner with my father in law (and my dad has passed). It’s busy, but everyone gets there family dinner and it’s absolutely lovely.
your kids?
Do you guys rotate where they go each year, is this just the unfortunate year that they’re all away? Your kids are married and it has to be fair.
Maybe if you’re mature and gracious about your children having their own lives and families now, you will find yourself juggling multiple invitations each year for Christmas.
update me
“It’s always been an important tradition for our family”
– sounds like it is for you, and you alone
– you’re attributing your feelings onto them, and assuming they hold the same sentiments
How do you cancel christmas after your kids already canceled it by not coming ?
Also : a lot of people/couples solve this by having two christmasparties, one with the family of the girl, one with the family of the man. You can alternate who gets to do it on christmas eve.
YTA and a big, controlling one who is on her way not to see her kids for a long time.
You are overreacting. It’s one thing to be disappointed; it’s another to be completely inflexible and try to guilt them into doing what you want.