The core conflict arose when the husband insisted that only his name should appear on the deed of the new house, arguing he could use first-time homebuyer benefits to save on closing costs, while using the $200K equity from the current home (which OP bought) for the down payment. When the OP stated she required her name on the deed for protection, the husband became angry, suggested she seek therapy for her thinking, and dismissed her concerns as flawed. The OP is now facing a dilemma about proceeding with the move under these unequal financial terms.
I (32F) bought the current starter home at age 22. My husband (33M) moved in about 3 years ago just prior to us getting engaged.
I’ve always considered this to be our and now our 15 month old daughter’s home, even though my husband has never financially contributed to the mortgage.
We are looking to move to a larger house, not because we intend to have additional children but because my husband wants a “man-cave” as well as a WFH office.
He also says he wants a large house to host parties just like his childhood home. I support his need for his own space, and also see this potential move as a way to help our daughter get into a better public school jurisdiction.
Yesterday my husband told me that when it comes to signing for the new house it should be only his name on the deed.
He believes he could qualify for a first time home buyer and this would save money on closing cost. We would be using the equity in our current home (about $200K)for a down payment, in order to afford the new mortgage.
I told him as a woman I need to protect myself and would not move without my name being included on the home.
I told him it would be stupid of me to use the equity in the home I’ve lived in for 10 years and to not have my name on the new home. I mentioned that if something were to happen, or if his feelings for me changed one day that I would be left with nothing.
He became very upset by me saying this.
He said my thinking is flawed and I need to go to a therapist to work on why I think like this.
I told him I don’t believe my thought process on this is irrational or flawed and that while I understood that he was offended by my statement, this was a non-negotiable for me.
Additional background: my husband makes the same amount of money as I and he pays the electric bill and half of daycare. He constantly talks about money and saving and has made me cancel subscriptions (like the gym) in the past to save a quick buck.
When our daughter needed surgery his first thought was “well how much is this going to cost” while mine was is this surgery needed and safe. He grew up in a very wealthy family and I grew up lower middle class.
Conclusion
The OP is positioned between supporting her husband’s desires for a larger home and firmly protecting her own financial security, especially given that she solely secured the initial property and holds significant equity. Her husband’s reaction—demanding sole ownership while utilizing shared assets and suggesting therapy for her caution—highlights a significant disconnect regarding financial partnership and trust in the relationship.
The central question remains whether the OP should sacrifice her legal stake in their shared future assets to accommodate her husband’s financial strategy, or if her demand for equal ownership on the new property is a necessary boundary for marital stability. Readers must weigh the value of financial self-preservation against maintaining marital harmony in this high-stakes purchase.
Here’s how people reacted:
On one hand, it may not be possible for him as a married man to own real estate without his wife on the deed. (Based on legal documents I saw while buying a house, it does not seem possible in the state I currently live in, but this is not legal advice: it is advice to go get legal advice.) And it may be fraudulent for him to seek benefits as a first-time homebuyer when he’s married to someone who has already owned a home.
On the other hand, whose name is on the deed may not actually matter in the event of a separation or divorce, because the house may be deemed marital property either way. So your claim on the house may be secure even if your name isn’t on the deed, and if it is legal to get first-time buyer benefits by putting only his name on the deed, that may benefit both of you.
Moreover, if you are using the money from your current house to buy the new one, and only you paid for the current house, structuring the transaction to include a loan from you to him to be paid back upon sale of the new house, *if legal*, might actually give you a stronger hand than having your name on the deed.
To figure all that out, you need a lawyer who (a) handles both real estate and matrimonial issues in your jurisdiction, and (b) is your lawyer and not your husband’s, since you are trying to protect your interests against him.
NTA for wanting to make sure your interests are protected, but you may be going about it in a way that’s counterproductive for both of you.
He has NO RESPECT for you as a partner or a team member in your marriage. Think about that….. He wants to take away your asset from you, (the proceeds from the sale of your house that he doesn’t contribute to), put it in his name (new house), dismiss your concerns and gaslight you and tell you that you need to go to therapy. Think about each one of those things individually, then as a whole. I would be seriously thinking about if I would want to spend my life with someone like that. And on top of that, who is going to make the new mortgage payment?
If he has $200K lying around (or agrees to pay the balance of the mortgage) to make it 50/50 ownership, and you’re buying a $400K house, then you’ll be equal co-owners.
If it’s a $300K house, you own 2/3, and that’s assuming that he pays the balance on the mortgage.
Your husband is trying to pull a fast one. SHADY SHADY.
You may also want to NOT use the full equity from the house as a downpayment. You might want to take that investment and put it into a trust or investment account. That’s YOUR money.
Nope. I would never do what he is asking. In fact I would make a serious argument that you are now comingling assets that you had before the marriage. That 200K the moment you buy that house becomes 100% maritial property. Right now, that 200K is not fully martial property if you were to divorce today (depending on a few factors and state, you should inquire with an attorney).
And ma’am, what you mean the first question he asked was how much it cost?
But my gf and I have a very strong relationship and I do not have the same fear as you that one day my gf is gonna wake up and not love me anymore and then take all my equity. I guess, NTA for trying to protect your equity, but I’m of the opinion that you are not confident in your relationship.
If he doesn’t want your name on the new house then he’ll just have to save up the down payment without using your house equity, which shouldn’t be hard considering how little bills he pays. You can move into his house and rent out yours for extra income.
I’d also make sure your will puts your house in a trust for your daughter. So if something happens to you and he remarries your house will go to your kid without issue.
Both names need to be on the deed and both of you need to put in the same amount of money. If only your money is going towards the down payment, only your name should be on the deed and mortgage.
And honestly, given his view on this (you need to go to therapy? WTF?), I would find a new husband.
NTA. Sell your place and put it on an account that is in your name only. I have a feeling you’ll be needing that money soon.
NTA.
Also, your husband doesn’t respect you. Or women. Or care about the wellbeing of your child.
Kick him out how. NTA
But your husband is a jerk. And you seem very comfortable letting him be one to you. Please stand up for yourself.
Freak that. He is crooked.
Nta But you have bigger problems