The wife stated that the OP is the best medical match and pleaded with her to undergo testing. The OP immediately refused, citing the decades of abandonment and lack of a relationship, feeling no obligation to undergo major surgery for a stranger. Following this refusal, the OP has been heavily criticized by her father’s extended family, who call her selfish, while even her own mother suggests she reconsider to avoid future guilt. The central dilemma for the OP is whether her decision to prioritize her past trauma and lack of relationship over his urgent medical need is too harsh.
I (28F) was raised by my mom after my dad walked out on us when I was 5. He left to start a new family and had little to no contact with me growing up. He never paid child support or even called on birthdays or holidays.
For years, I struggled with feelings of abandonment, but I eventually moved on and built a life without him.
Fast forward to now—out of the blue, I get a call from his wife telling me my father is very sick and needs a kidney transplant. She told me that I’m the best match and begged me to get tested.
Apparently, his other family members aren’t compatible.
I told her no. I don’t owe him anything after the way he treated me. He made his choices when he abandoned me and my mom, and I feel no obligation to put myself through a major surgery for someone who’s essentially a stranger to me.
Since then, I’ve been bombarded with messages from his side of the family, calling me selfish and heartless. They say I’m letting him die out of spite and that I need to “be the bigger person.” Even my mom thinks I should consider it, not for him, but to avoid carrying guilt if he passes away.
I don’t feel guilty. I feel like he’s reaping what he sowed, but part of me wonders if I’m being too harsh.
Conclusion
The OP is facing a severe conflict between her established emotional boundaries and the intense pressure from her father’s family and even her mother. Her refusal stems from the deep-seated feelings of abandonment caused by her father’s total withdrawal during her formative years. While she feels justified in not repaying years of neglect, she is now grappling with external accusations of being heartless and the potential weight of future guilt if her father dies.
The core question remains whether a biological tie, coupled with a life-saving need, overrides the complete absence of a parental relationship and the emotional damage inflicted by abandonment. Readers must weigh the value of personal autonomy and justified resentment against the moral expectation to offer aid in a life-or-death situation, especially when facing criticism for self-preservation.
Here’s how people reacted:
Think of them as continously providing your body with the effects of an oil change, as you get older, they become worn out and less effective.
I seriously get the impression his side of the family is pressuring you not because they’re not compatible but rather that they don’t want to give up their own.
I know there are a lot of ways that kidneys can get damaged but some of them are self inflicted. A loser that abandons their kids strikes me as the kind of selfish asshole that would have a lifestyle that destroys their liver and then expect someone else to take the risk to save them.
NTA
Fuckem