The central issue arose when discussing how shared household expenses would be managed. The OP proposed a strict 50/50 split on joint bills, while the girlfriend insists on a proportional split based on income, which would leave the OP paying the vast majority of the costs. When the OP stated that cohabitation is conditional on the 50/50 arrangement, the girlfriend became upset, claiming he is adding unnecessary stress to her life. The core dilemma facing the OP is whether to agree to the proportional cost-sharing to allow her to move in or to stand firm on the 50/50 split, potentially ending the living arrangement discussions.
I (28M) met my GF two years ago. My GF is in grad school and lives off of the small stipend she receives and student loans. I make fairly good money.
My GF wants to move in with me. I live in a house owned by my grandparents and do not pay rent (at their insistence). My GF’s current rent alone takes up almost her entire stipend each month.
Plus she has a utilities, food, medical insurance, car insurance, car payment, medical bills, credit card debt, etc. The landlord is raising rent and she has not been able to find a cheaper place that feels moderately safe and sizable enough for her and her dog.
So, she wants to move in with me.
I currently have a close friend who also lives here. He pays all the utilities as his rent. My GF wants him to move out if she moves in, which he is fine with doing. I have talked to my GF and stated that if she moves in, we should split the joint bills and expenses 50/50.
She is greatly opposed to doing that and thinks it should be proportional. That would result in me paying virtually all the joint expenses. A 50/50 split would result in a significantly better financial situation for her.
Right now, her living expenses are exponentially higher than her stipend. With this 50/50 split, they would be significantly less than her stipend. I would actually be paying more than I do now with a 50/50 split because I do not pay any utilities right now.
I told her if she insists on a proportional split, then we cannot live together. She is pissed and says I am causing her unnecessary stress. We both can afford the proportional split so that is what we should do.
Conclusion
The OP finds himself in a difficult position, balancing his desire to support his girlfriend through her financially strenuous graduate studies against his belief that living together should involve an equitable division of shared costs. His girlfriend views the proportional split as fair because of the large income disparity, while the OP sees the 50/50 split as necessary to maintain fairness, especially since he currently pays no housing costs.
The debate centers on the definition of fairness in a shared domestic situation when one partner has significantly greater financial means. Should the financially secure partner absorb the majority of shared costs to alleviate stress on the student, or is a strict equal split the only way to ensure both parties maintain clear financial boundaries and responsibility for joint consumption?
Here’s how people reacted:
50/50 is never fair and should not be a thing for a long term relationship imo. If you split this way then she will suffer more and looks like she is struggling at the moment.
Now there’s the other side of your post. From what you are saying, your gf is not a very financially responsible person. If you really really care about her, I suggest having a conversation on what can she do to ease her spending and depth. Teach her to save and why it’s good to have a saved amount of money in the bank at all times.
Dating someone financially irresponsible can be very daunting, specially in the long term. I would probably not date anyone like this, hence why I think it’s important to talk about finances early on in the relationship.
1) You already have a good arrangement with a friend that benefits all parties involved. She expects you to end this. There’s no reason your friend would need to move out as she’d be sharing your room.
Her doing this is an attempt to seize control of your home. Make it her home. Do not fall for this. She may not be conscious of what she is doing, but this is a very common form of manipulation.
2) Once she moves in, you will have a very hard time getting her to move out, even if you break up.
3) Her balking at sharing in the expenses shows her intent. She does not see you as an equal partner but someone she can take from.
4) You two are obviously incompatible. The relationship will not work in the long run, and tying yourself to her is dumb.
Etc.
Basically, everything here indicates that you shouldn’t let her move in, even if she changes her mind to split the expenses.
You probably aren’t a great fit for each other at this time or at all.
Letting her stay will only allow her to spend more.
If you are considering this, I would suggest making a contract to ensure she focuses on her education and shows proof she is paying down her debt, she truly sounds like many young students who graduate with a six figure debt and the job market may not meet her debt to income ratio.
This may not be the smartest move for you. Especially if she is making unwise financial decisions.
She has a parent that can help her.
Now if gf drops her bs attitude, and takes your very generous offer that she only pay 50% of utilities, ok fine. But don’t let her screw up your business, credit , (or business credit for that matter!) with her reckless spending….
But as many have said, the big issue here seems to be that she is trying to take advantage of the situation to pay as little as possible. She knows of the arrangement with the current room mate where he’s paying all utilities correct?
You shouldn’t move in together until you have reconciled your very different approaches to financial matters.
That’s what I read as her intentions.
That would be a no thank you.
walk away.