ESH but leaning not the AH. Your wife clearly isn’t enjoying sex if it’s feeling like a chore to her. Whether that’s because you’re pushing her to do it when she’s not in the mood/tired, making her feel obligated to do so or guilt tripping her into it, or just not making it very pleasurable for her and only benefitting from it yourself- whatever the reason, she’s not liking it, so stop trying to do it and talk about why that is with her and go to some couples therapy about that before pushing for any more sex. She doesn’t want to have sex with you. Don’t try it.

But obviously her demanding payment for having sex with you is absurd and awful, that’s not what a partnership should be. If this is coming from her essentially always being tired and never really getting a break from running the household, you need to reassess your dynamic and make sure she is getting breaks and time to herself. If this is coming from her just wanting money for herself that she can spend how she please without having to go through you and defend her spending, then if she has no financial autonomy you need to discuss her getting like an allowance that’s her own money to do whatever she please with. If none of those apply and she’s just being weird about wanting payment to fuck you, then she clearly does not want you, and I would do with that information what you will.

I think partly you are YTA but so is she so ESH.

Because you two aren’t communicating. You should be talking to your wife. Why is she feeling like sex is a chore? Why is she so exhausted? Why does she feel like she HAS to stay up and have sex with you when she isn’t in the mood? Why are you not reacting to the fact that your wife has been having sex with you when she wasn’t into it? Why were you not attentive to her body language to notice she wasn’t enthusiastic?

Both of you are failing your marriage by not properly talking or being considerate of one another. You shouldn’t be talking to reddit, you should be sitting down with her and having a serious heart to heart.

Marriages go on the rocks even after one kid, you two have four. You need to take the time to bring the romance back into your marriage and stepping back from seeing her as ‘a wife who has to perform duties’ and you from jus being ‘the provider’ and go back to seeing each other as individuals, who you met and fell for. That means setting aside time for the both of you to connect.

Talk to your wife before this becomes a problem that you can’t fix. Work on you both reconnecting.

Then hopefully, sex should be fun for both of you again and not a chore that just happens every night.

Hey OP, how come you stopped commenting when people started asking you if your wife had access to the finances? What do you do to help assist with house functions (meals, cleaning, childcare), and how frequently do you push for sex after your wife tells you she doesn’t want to have it because she’s tired? Is that what happened before her request?

It’s possible that this came completely out of nowhere – maybe saw a tiktok about it somewhere and got it into her head she should have spending money somehow. Maybe there’s some new housewife push happening on social media that I don’t see, on account of not being that. There have been weirder premises for AITAH stories. But why haven’t you answered anybody in the thread about how you share your money as a family, OP? What does “I take care of everything financially” mean, exactly – that you are the only one providing money for payments, or that you’re the only one allowed to pay for anything?

It’s interesting, though, that you think the comments calling your wife a whore are funny, and that those are the only ones you’ve responded to.

YTAH. You need to understand the situation beyond the surface. Your wife has a frustrating life. As a sahm she probably enjoys zero time for herself and that can lead to lower sexual desire. Your sex drive ends up being yet another chore for her. That’s why she’s requesting many for it, as for the other chores she’s taking care of it makes sense to request this one go accounted for. Since there’s no pleasure for her, she is doing it purely for you.

It’s probably already hard for you but try to give her some alone time, either by helping or paying for help. That’s the only way she’s going to get the stress level down, and consequently, sex desire up. After that sex would be a mutual thing and you’ll be on the same page again that it doesn’t make sense for one side to pay the other.

I hope you read this OP, you’re heading in a dark direction, trust the stranger on the internet, but there’s ways to fix it!

Lmao….whata she’s telling you is that she is exhausted and needs a break.
Are you giving more than you’re taking during sex? Because if the sex is only for you and she gets no satisfaction at all, then this is why she’s asking for compensation. She’s trying to make a point. I doubt very much that she’s actually serious about this “transaction.” You know her better than anyone. I know men aren’t great at reading between the lines, but this is a very “between the lines” situation.
She’s not feeling appreciated, loved, wanted, she’s tired, she needs you to take care ofnher…and I don’t mean with sex….she needs some real care like women shoukd be taken care of. Order a hairdresser to come and do her hair, buy her flowers and chocolates, take her to a spa, offer to take the kids for the day while she goes out….she’s asking for you to just acknowledge her!

Playing the devil advocate here. Do she has a great allowance? Back in the day people didn’t get married because of love. Maybe is a communication issue here. So in her mind she is like an employee. All her sahm duties has become part of the job so has your sex life. Maybe you guys don’t have time to make sex more for her. So in other words, she not happy with the salary or the work she is doing. So she trying to get a new salary or tired of the samh job. Might be time to talk and see how you can help more in the house or make her feel that she is not a sex worker and sex should be more than a business transaction for people that are married. You need to step up more. This is more of a cry for help.

She’s making a point is going over OPs head.

It’s clear that, despite her being tired and not in the mood, he is demanding to be serviced. She has to do this despite not being into it and she’s just saying, that this isn’t mutual sex between a married couple, it’s him wanting something that she doesn’t want to do so he needs to pay for it.

She’s not really offering to be a paid prostitute, she’s making a point which OP is painting as literal as he’s not actually understaing what she’s saying.

Umm, dude, she just told you that sex is a chore she has to do. Maybe let her know that you feel it would either be cheaper and more fulfilling for you both to divorce or for you to pay someone more experienced for the job. I mean, she’s literally trying to tell you that she wants to be your prostitute, so maybe you should find a more experienced one? I couldn’t imagine asking my husband to pay me for it…..that would ruin our whole marriage.

Does she not have equal access to money anyway? This is the problem. You have a messed up power dynamic. All money should be equal access in one account, you are adults. Then there would t be this messed up transactional relationship. My expertise is having been married for over 20 years and have been both a sahm and have worked. Our money is always in the same account and we have equal access. It’s ours and we are mature about how we use it.

Six is a lot of sex, and I don’t know what s’x is, but if it means you’re both sick then sex really isn’t on the table, unless you want to do it on the table and she wants to get paid under the table.

Seriously, not enough information about your financial arrangements here. While it’s a terrible way to ask for more discretionary funding, if you control the finances she’s telling you she feels trapped.

She’s not satisfied, have you even inquired about pleasing her.

If being intimate with you is just another chore she definitely needs motivation to do it, especially since it sounds like you’re not getting her to the finish line.

She knows paying for it sounds absurd, she’s counting on you to be too cheap to pay for it.

Do you split all household duties…kids and everything, when you get home? If not, START! If you already do split everything once you are home…REMIND HER OF THE FACT…TELL HER TO SHUT UP OR GET A JOB. Being a SaHm is a blessing and a FULL TIME JOB. To expect $ for sex is being a whore…not a Sahm. Enough said.

Hmmm her suggestion has room for too much ambiguity, meaning her requested budget will adjust according to her feeling I guarantee it you just watch…I say if she gets belligerent about needing to do this then you have her sign her name on a contract.. This is pretty fk’n stupid IMO.

I wonder, is sex an equal thing with you guys or is it always about you? Because if all it is is exhausting to her, and not fun or something she wants to do with you eagerly then I wonder what the fuck you’re doing. Genuinely have you ever helped her finish?

Does your wife have any kind of discretionary funds that are hers alone? Is there a monthly amount of money she gets so that she can buy what she wants, not just needs? I don’t know if this question was asked already, apologies if so.

Maybe she feels unfairly compensated overall, maybe she’s just trying to be a shrewd negotiator, but one idea is to just pay her more for the other stuff while explaining paying for six is out of bounds in a marriage. Good luck!

I think she is telling you she needs an allowance.
Make sure she has her own money too; as she is adding value to you and your kids lives. And making life easier for you; and she won’t have a pension because of it.

Sounds like you need to send her out to the corner since she wants to be a prostitute. I’d reevaluate your relationship on the whole.

Sorry you’re having to deal with this absurdity- and I say that as a woman.

This can’t be real and if it is, why the hell are you coming to an echo chamber of people who are gonna roast you alive one way or the other? Are you really gonna give a shit about what any of us have to say?

Yeah I wouldn’t engage with that either far to transactional. What’s next a hug tax? How much to cop a feel? Does she have a list of prices for her duties? Absolutely sounds awful and NTA for refusing

 I hope this is fake because it makes me sad. I’m a SAHM and asking to be paid for sex has never occurred to me. There’s something seriously wrong in that household.

Tell me your wife doesn’t have access to the shared money amd you’re selfish in bed without telling me.

Even with the metric ton of missing context YTA.

Does your wife have access to any funds? Can she go and buy something if she wants?

Or does every purchase go through you?

NTA but to be honest, if I could get a BJs and sex when I wanted and just had to pay an allowance for it, I’d be down lol.

Need more info- does she get an allowance? Does she get fun money or is everything going towards the household?

Then don’t have sex with her, why would anyone want to have sex with someone who views it as a chore.

Are you being financially abusive? Do you control what she spends on, yet spend where you like?

Do you give her any personal money or do you just take care of everything?

I hope you have a good prenuptial cause this is only going to get worse.

So…she wants to be your prostitute?? Couples counseling like yesterday.

What’s her rate, you should shop around before making any decisions.

If sex is just another chore then yes, you should be paying her.

Do you demand sex for you playing your roll in the house hold?

Call the bluff, hire a maid and get some on the side.

You pay for professionals, she ain’t no professional

This has to be some sort of MRA performance art.