The conflict arose when the fiancé initiated unwanted physical advances and then aggressively pressured the OP to perform an act she refused, physically restraining her and causing her physical pain until she complied. The immediate aftermath involved a minimal apology focused only on her physical injury, leading the OP to feel violated, scared, and confused about her situation and her fiancé’s sudden change in behavior.
I (f20) am engaged to my fiancé (m26) and we’ve been together for 2 years. He’s never ever done something like this before so I guess this is why I’m so scared- I just don’t know. He’s so usually so kind.
I feel violated, if I’m allowed to say that. It was two nights ago, and I haven’t left my bed since. Basically we were in his bed in his home and we were going to sleep. For info, my fiancé and I have never slept together before and we don’t do anything like that because I am supposed to be saving myself for marriage.
He knows this and supports it, and likes that for me. Which is also why I feel so confused.
He basically started touching me places and I kind of was like what are you doing and he said nothing, just touching. I made a joke about how I don’t think it’s allowed and he snapped that he “doesn’t fucking care” what’s allowed or what’s not.
I was quiet and kind of let him do it, but I felt weird. After a while he was kissing me and basically asked me to do something for him, in that way. I told him no and tried to laugh it off.
It was awkward and I felt lowkey uncomfortable. He just held me there and told me to do it for him again. I said no again and got up to go to the bathroom because I was shaking.
He followed me and said that I couldn’t leave the bathroom unless I got down and did it for him. I kept saying no and I honestly thought he was joking for a minute but he was serious.
He closed the door and blocked it. He said he would wait all night. I said me too and we just stood there for a while. Eventually, I sat down on the edge of the bathtub, trying to prove how I would seriously wait.
He grabbed my shoulder and literally pulled me really hard onto the ground. I hit my knees hard on the tile but he did not ask if I was okay. I had to do what he wanted and the entire time I was just so sad and scared and embarrassed and uncomfortable and it was an uncomfortable and awkward and painful experience all around.
He was much nicer the rest of the night and apologized for hurting my knees. He told me not to cry and not to tell anyone because he still wants me to wait until married and they might think we didn’t.
He said stuff like that stays between couples, which I understand. I went home the next morning and my mom asked me if I was okay. I said yes. I haven’t told anyone because I am ashamed.
I feel lowkey violated but I also know I wasn’t supposed to do anything like that so I don’t want to tell anyone I did. I’m just confused I think. Would I be awful to tell my mom what he did?
Conclusion
The OP is currently in a state of emotional distress, feeling violated by an act that occurred while she was physically overpowered by her fiancé. Her core conflict centers on reconciling this abusive event with her previous positive view of him and the religious/personal commitment they share, which makes her feel responsible for the non-consensual act.
The central question for debate is whether the OP should prioritize maintaining the secret to uphold her commitment and relationship stability, or if her immediate need for support and safety outweighs the need for secrecy regarding this severe breach of trust and physical boundary. Should she disclose the assault to her mother or seek help elsewhere?
Here’s how people reacted:
Go to the police to report this assault. I worry you will want a restraining/protection order from him in the future and reporting incidents as they happen is helpful. You might be able to schedule a police escort to grab anything you have over at his place you need back. Don’t be alone again with that sorry excuse of a man.
If the person you need is your mom tell your mom. This is his shame NOT yours. You are not to blame for him assaulting you. If you are surrounded by people (due to culture or religious beliefs) that won’t see it that way please call a domestic abuse hotline for help through this. Hopefully there are free resources in your area. (Which could be counseling, free legal advice or representation and a victim advocate that can escort you to court or read your written statements on your behalf etc).
I’m not sure where you are so not sure what is relevant or the best way to go about this. I sure hope you have someone good in your life that will help you through this. It’s a lot while you are emotionally and mentally dealing with a crushing amount.
Please, do NOT be alone with him again. Marrying this man will be repeats of the other night. You said NO and he ignored it. End of story. Trust broken. You can forgive him in your own time if you want but forgiving does NOT mean you have to take him back or give him another try. Feeling like he ruined you or however you are feeling after “saving yourself” and then being assaulted does not mean he is the only one that will want to marry you. I see a lot of gaslighting in your future if you allow him the space to talk through this or see if you two can work this out. You should not feel pressured to do so. This is on him, not you. You deserve better. You did not deserve this, or ask for it, you asked for him to stop and he forced you. You did what you had to and got through it alive and relatively safely all things considered so far. Please report though, a paper trail can help prevent other women from going through the same thing with him. Please start screening men in your life with background checks. Some may be public information and even free.
You can also find threads on here about abusive relationships. There you will have a whole community that understands what you are going through much better. There are so many resources constantly shared and suggested on there. I suggest looking into that if you do not feel comfortable sharing with anyone directly in your life now.
I hope you find someone helpful to talk to. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You are not as alone as you feel right now and you are strong enough to get through this and stay away from your hopefully ex fiancé. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
1. Are you safe? Is your family one that will protect and help you?
2. Is your mother safe? Is she a woman who understands this is SA? Or is she someone who would tell you that SA can’t happen if it’s your spouse/fiance and would encourage forgiveness?
3. If you do feel safe and have support, tell your mom immediately. Ask her to help you heal from this
4. Find an abuse advocate that can help you work through your feelings. You will have intense and upsetting emotions for a bit
5. Resist the urge to internalize and take blame for what he did
6. Know that this is a MAJOR warning and this can only get worse if you marry this man. He will continue this pattern and each time will be horrific.
7. Reporting to the police is up to you. At the very least get a PPO.
Please break off this engagement and protect yourself. Sending you healing energy
Please this is such a red flag for the future. Please do not go back with him. I understand agreeing with him in the moment because you were scared and confused don’t worry about that, you did what you had to to not get hurt further.
Good luck Hun tell someone else you trust that loves you
As others have stated in a perfect world you could tell family. Use your judgement and be careful who you trust. Perhaps if possible you could make an appt with a medical professional get a referral for counselling/support.
Many communities have women’s help lines where they will talk to you and give advice on how to leave as safely as possible.
www.awhl.org 1-866-863-0511 The Assaulted Women’s Helpline offers a 24-hour telephone and TTY crisis line to all women who have experienced abuse. They provide counselling, emotional support, information and referrals and have service in multiple languages.
Strength to you ❤️
People show you who they are, and I promise you if he is doing this now, it will happen again and much worse in the future.
What if you had a daughter? Is this the man you want as an example for her?
Is your family going to protect you or are they going to blame you or tell you to marry him anyway? If it’s anything but protects you, find someone who will help you. Heck I don’t know what state you’re in but if you’re anywhere near I am, I would help you!
No woman ever should feel powerless about their body and their right to say no. Please update!
This is NOT something that couples keep privately. Also, I feel like some counseling would be a good idea. At 20 years old, it’s time to be able to name body parts and sexual acts. He forced you to give him a blow job or oral sex. Those are the correct names for what he did to you. You need to be able to say exactly where he touched you without your consent.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
You have to file a police report. It will take a lot of effort but you can tell yourself it’s not only for you but for anyone in your situation.
He will continue to put his needs ahead of yours and it will get worse. Sorry but abusers don’t get better, they get worse.
OP, if you marry him he is going to do this again
Please, you are SO young. Please do not marry this person.
He is NOT a good person.
I promise that someone who loves you would NEVER hurt you. This isn’t normal at all.
Normal relationships are NOT like this
If I were you, I wouldn’t marry him. Too many red flags
Do not under any circumstances marry this man.
You’re young, there are plenty of other people who will respect you the way you deserve to be respected