In my opinion, if you sleep with someone on a regular basis, and are at some point sleeping in the nude, touching is going to happen by both party’s. She can and should voice her opinion, but it should not be a my way a the highway conversation because in the middle of the night groggy thoughts can lead to many things. Explain to her she could have made the same move, and even though you might of been ok with it, she still couldn’t have known if or if not it was ok.

I honestly wonder if the people on this thread would be calling it wrong or inappropriate if you reverse the genders. “I woke up my boyfriend with a hand job and he is calling me a rapist help”

You didn’t know it would bother her, my assumption is that you weren’t attempting to be anything other than sensual, therefore her giant reaction isn’t on you.

If she can’t calm down, have a rational discussion about not doing it again, etc then yes it is an overreaction.

Run like hell.

Most people wouldn’t associate this kind of touching with sexual assault/rape/perversion, but someone who has been sexually assaulted when unconscious/inebriated state would have a very negative association with this kind of touching. This is the unmentioned piece that bridges the people talking about informed consent and those people who are talking about this being an over-reaction. It is an emotional hyper-reaction, but one that may indeed be based in really negative personal experiences.

You mention in comments that she may have been sexually assaulted in the past. This makes her reaction a lot more understandable.

I am a victim of sexual assault and rape, and I can see where she is coming from in some ways. This may have triggered her and brought back terrible, traumatic memories that are very difficult for other people to understand and very difficult for her to express. What looks to you like an overreaction might feel to her like a horrible panic attack.

A lot of survivors of sexual crime can be triggered by certain situations. For example, some people who were pinned down during their rape are terrified of having their wrists held because it brings back bad memories, regardless of who is doing it or why. If this situation with you two brought back bad memories for her, she would likely feel similarly.

Maybe she was molested in her sleep or in her bed, and you telling her you touched her in her sleep scared her. Maybe more has happened to her than she has let on. Maybe she, quite reasonably, feels that nobody should be doing anything sexual to her unless she is able to consent (i.e. conscious). Dating someone does not necessarily equal consent. Many couples are okay with their SOs waking them up for sex, but different people are okay with different things and obviously this isn’t something she is alright with.

In any case, you should talk to her about it. Despite her reactions, try your best not to be angry because that will just trigger more panic to her if this is related to PTSD from her past experiences. Obviously this really bothered her and from what you have said it sounds like she has good reasons to be bothered by it, with her past and the way she feels about consent.

Let her explain her side to you and try to really listen to what she is saying. Then, if you want to save the relationship, let her know that you genuinely didn’t have any malicious intentions, and that you won’t do things without her consent again. Make sure you emphasize that you were not trying to do anything bad to her, and that you want her to feel safe with you, and that you did not realize that what you were doing would be wrong. Hopefully you can get her to understand that you really weren’t meaning her any harm.

So let me first start by saying that I don’t think you’re a bad dude, and I believe that you had super good intentions.

I think what happened here is that you and your girlfriend didn’t talk in advance about what levels of consent you’re both comfortable with because we generally live in a society where we imply consent and don’t explicitly talk about it both in general and between sexual partners. What happened wasn’t okay, but it was an honest mistake. The reality is that just because something is okay once doesn’t mean that person will be okay with it always, and just because you’re dating someone doesn’t mean you have a pass on consent. Sleeping people can’t consent, so if you didn’t talk about it before hand, and recently, then you did violate her trust. It doesn’t mean you’re a perv. It does mean you need to change your behaviour around consent.

Moving forward you should apologize your girlfriend. Ask her to listen, and if she’s willing, explain that you didn’t think through what you were doing. You realize that you hurt her by not gaining her explicit consent in advance, and you’re very sorry.

In the future, talk to your sexual partners about what they are okay with: Can I wake you up with oral? Can I touch you when you’re sleeping? Would you like to have sex while high? Would you be okay with me sleeping with you if you’d been drinking but I hadn’t? You and your partner can separately make Will/Want/Won’t lists and then share what’s on your lists together. It’s pretty straightforward. Under Want list the things you want to do with your partner, and be detailed. Don’t say anal for example, say anal sex, with lube, after prepping, after anal-oral play, after a few weeks of anal fingering. Under Will list the items that you would be willing to go with your partner but don’t necessarily find super arousing yourself. For example you might be okay with oral foot play because your girl likes it but it doesn’t do much for you. Under Won’t list the activities that you don’t want to do. For example I won’t have sex after five drinks, or I won’t have sex without a condom. Or just things that maybe gross you our personally. Share, and concentrate on what you have in common, and make note of what your partner isn’t okay with. Make sure you include in your will and won’t sections specifics about consent. I will have sex with you if I am drunk but only if we a) talk about it right before I start drinking, and you agree to stop at any point if I say stop. Just as an example.

Then go, be merry, and have fun!

Good luck.

Ignore the bad sign and propose to her. After marriage you will have a lot of happy sex life like most married couples. make sure to talk to her lawyer every time you want to touch her to make sure she consents to your touch.

You made a mistake but you aren’t a bad person. Apologize, learn from this, and talk it out.

I’m a little concerned that people are dismissing her reaction as “crazy” and “overboard.” Her reaction is her reaction; she’s clearly distraught and telling her she’s overreacting isn’t going to help the issue. Especially in cases of molestation, telling the victim that they are “overreacting” is really not helpful.

I get that OP and his girlfriend have an established record of sexual activity, but OP doesn’t mention that the two of them established boundaries on this particular area beforehand. Because of this, I think he dun fucked up; it’s never okay to just randomly do something to someone, even if you have past established consent in other areas. If you had asked her about it, she would have told you her issue with it and none of this would have happened.

Consider this, how would you feel if she whipped out a strap on and started fucking you with it? Even if you were into that, you might be a bit put off that she just went and did it without really consulting you beforehand. You’d especially be upset if you had been molested as a child in the same way.

I think OP should possibly break up with her, but only because he violated her boundaries, even in good faith and with no ill intent. Try to repair if you want, but you’ll get results faster if you don’t treat her as a mental case.

Either way, best of luck to both of you and take care of yourselves.

Thatbis VERY fucked up unless you got permission previously. It doesn’t matter idbshebis your girlfriend or not, you should get premission before doing anything sexual. I really hope itbdoesnt end the relationship, but don’t do that again.

I’m concerned about the culture propagated by the other comments. We seem to be getting to a point where *all* sexual behavior is perceived as perverted and offensive *by default*, except in increasingly strict and narrow circumstances.

We appear to have gotten to a point where even sexual stimulation to wake up your partner – whom you know well; with whom you’ve had sex many times; who’s comfortable sleeping with you naked; who responds positively to your touch – is now considered borderline molestation or rape.

If I were you, at this point I would be concerned for my safety. It’s one thing for your girlfriend to express discomfort with the way you woke her up. If she’s uncomfortable with what happened, it’s incumbent on you to respect that. However, given the way she flipped out – given that she seems capable seeing you as a pervert and/or rapist – I would be concerned about possible accusations she could level against you any time in the future – not necessarily just now. I would consider this person unstable and unsafe, and would prefer not to risk further exposure.

Do what you think is best.