My husband and I enjoy being nude, so what the hell, right? It went like this.

I, a woman, wanted to sunbathe nude by my pool in my own backyard. So, I set out to do that today. I got the most comfortable chair I could find to lay down on, set up outside, got a big bowl of ice-cold watermelon, and started to undress outside. My fences are wooden, but they are that high.

I’d say normal height for a regular suburban area. I start eating watermelon, and it tastes so good that I forget to slow down, and I’m getting pretty full at this point. While setting my stuff up, I didn’t realize my neighbor was gardening next door, and today of all days, he heard me set up and I guess took it as an invitation to ask if my husband wanted his circular saw back yet.

He had no idea what I was doing until he looked over the fence.

I guess it didn’t really matter anyway because my husband and I are usually naked anyway, and our neighbors have caught us nude so many times that we just decided we were fine with it. So, I’m laying there eating watermelon in my birthday suit with everything on display while he’s looking at me having a conversation.

By this time, I had finished the big bowl of watermelon, and I don’t feel too great because, in hindsight, it was a ton of it… By now, it’s been a while since I stopped eating it. He doesn’t seem phased by me being nude, so he keeps talking and talking, and talking.

By that time, I start wondering if I’ll get to enjoy my naked afternoon by myself… That’s when my stomach started acting up. My stomach and chest started gaining pressure, and I felt something off. He’s still talking and doesn’t notice, so I try ending the conversation, but he keeps going on.

A few minutes later, he asks me if I feel okay, and he said this because, “You’re butthole is puckering quite a bit…” (I like to lay on my back very spread eagle…)

I realize that the inevitable is coming, and it was because of the damn ton of watermelon I ate. I tell him that I think I should go inside now, and he agrees. So as I say bye and as I start to get up, I had no idea how much of your midsection you use by doing this, so I feel something about to blow, and as much as I tried to hold it back, I manage to stand up and….

*splatter*… I had just shitted liquified ish shit near my pool. None of it got on the chair, and then I saw that my neighbor was still standing there with his jaw dropped and still in shock. Then I start trying to say, “I don’t feel too good. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

I’m going to go insi-” and then the second wave of shit comes, and I hear my neighbor do the puking sounds, and he just ran inside his house by this point.

I feel my intestines on fire, and my asshole like lava, and thinking at least it’s all out… But holy fuck, if any of you has done this yourself, you know it doesn’t stop all day… And I felt another, and I’m almost to the door, and then another splatter…

Fuck… My asshole is burning like fuck, and I also just shitted in front of our neighbor. After the third splatter, I feel confident enough to hose off my shit on the ground and clean it up as quick as possible, and I realized that the last one half got on the chair.

So I just spray it down with water, and I’ll deal with it later because I feel a fourth coming soon. So now, I’ve sprayed myself down as clean as I could, I’m sitting on the toilet, and I’ve called my husband to tell him what just happened. Amazingly, he didn’t laugh, and he said he’ll try to take off early.

This all happened this morning, and I’m still sitting on the toilet. I’ve gone a few times since then, and my asshole is on FUCKING FIRE… I want to stop wiping. I want to stop shitting. Yes, my neighbor can see me naked, and he has. I don’t mind being naked in front of him…

but I never intended to shit a liquid waterfall in front of him… and cause him to puke really hard. I haven’t spoken to him, and I don’t want to because I feel so embarrassed that I haven’t even gone outside to clean the chair off with bleach yet….

So that’s my morning so far… Moral of the story (after I googled it just now): watermelon, in excess amounts, causes indigestion. I did not know this at all, and my stomach wasn’t in the best condition before eating as much as I did. I wish I would’ve known this.

I am seriously considering moving houses right now.

EDIT: to clear up confusion. My husband and I aren’t exactly swingers but are closet nudists. And yes, our neighbors have seen us naked enough times to not even notice at times. Mainly when they do, it’s because either one of us grew our pubic hair out or in my case into a shape of some sort.