My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We live together and I thought we were very close and had no secrets from each other. About a month ago I heard him cracking up and he had headphones in listening to something on his phone. I asked him what he was listening to (out of curiosity, not nosiness) and he said “oh it’s just a stupid comedy podcast” and looked uncomfortable.
I then asked him what it was called and he said “Cumtown”.
I later looked up this podcast and listened to it. I found that it had very offensive humor, anti-semitism, racism, misogyny, rape jokes, etc. The host even prided himself on saying the n word on the bonus episodes! I told my boyfriend this and I confronted him and said “how could you find something that offensive funny?” He promised to stop listening to it.
The other day I used his phone to make an emergency call. (we give each other our passcodes out of trust and for situations like this). I was curious and checked in his podcast app and he had recently listened to cumtown again. I am angry that he was lying to me about something so important.
Am I in the wrong?
Conclusion
He swore he’d quit, but did he really? The discovery has left her questioning everything, and the fallout from this secret is far from over. Will their relationship survive this betrayal of trust?
Here’s how people reacted:
Also. You went through his podcast app while “making an emergency call”. That’s the real asshole move here
Edit – forgot to mention, but making him promise to not watch something he finds funny is even worse who cares what it is you’re denying him a bit of a laugh and that’s horrible
His mistake was telling you he would stop listening to it. He most likely did it to avoid confrontation but the best way to handle it would have been to tell you that it doesn’t influence the way he treats you. Presumably. Since you don’t mention your boyfriend being a bad person in this post, I’m going to assume he treats you well.
Firstly, it’s not racist so much as it is ironic and meant for an audience that understands the concept and won’t take every random thing to heart as a sincere endorsement of bigotry or anything else. In the case of Nick Mullen’s ‘Bill Maher the Nigger Guy’ song, you have to both understand that Nick has a strict rule, which is inherently funny in and of itself, that you NEVER say the N-word UNLESS QUOTING A WHITE PERSON SAYING IT. The joke thereby being a deflection; it’s not about saying a hateful word in a way to harm people, but about saying a word that a hateful/really stupid, in Bill Maher’s case, person said in order to mock that person. To actually go into a more recent example, there was a bit where they made fun of the notion of a raped Mexican day laborer by doing a funny accent. Immediately thereafter, Nick mentioned that, no, in all sincerity, one of the worst things from the realm of sexual abuse is how someone who is victimized in such a way is mocked regularly, even in common society. If a woman literally raped a Mexican day laborer with a strap-on so bad that he couldn’t take a bowel movement any longer, it would be horrific, not only because he would likely be fucking deported by our white supremacist, fascistic government and all, but mocked by literally everyone who found out about it within his social circle because of how fucked-up male culture is. Someone I know personally thinks I’m a racist because I laugh at NYC Guido Voice and Italian-American stereotypes. She felt mildly embarrassed when I pointed out that, if I actually believed such ridiculous shit as has been joked about on Cum Town and by Nick Mullen and all, I would think that all Italian-American people are derived from a single fat cannibal hermaphrodite who literally sucked off the male populace of the transport vessel bringing him/her to America and then barfed the cum back into their ass-pussy and that’s the origin of Italian-Americans. I mean, where does someone hear something like that and go ‘oh yeah Italians are really scum aren’t they’ and not ‘oh, this is so fucking outlandishly ridiculous that it wraps around from dumb to hilarious to dumb again to hilarious again about 50 more times until it’s finally just really fucking hilarious in an absurd manner’?
In short, you’re not an asshole at all, you’re just misinformed/don’t quite grasp what’s going on in full. You can very, very easily take any chunk of Cum Town out of context and go ‘holy shit, what racists’ and I don’t blame you for that. That said, if you DID know everything about the podcast itself and the background of its hosts and all, I would be like ‘hey, you’re being an asshole’, but you’re not; you just haven’t been fully informed yet and I’m hoping I might be of some assistance in the matter with this big block of text, as a fan.
I would say you are a bit of an asshole for checking his phone and for deciding the solution is to forbid him from listening to the podcast. First of all, that’s overly controlling, second of all, I think you have cause and effect backwards here. He doesn’t like that stuff because he listens to the podcast, he listens to the podcast because he likes that stuff. Unsubscribing or otherwise stopping to listen won’t change that.
What’s not at all an asshole move is to have a conversation about why he likes to listen to it and decide that you aren’t interested in having a relationship with a sexist, racist, immature dude.
That being said, his taste in comedy suggests that he is an asshole and you would not be an asshole for seeing it as a big red flag.
OP, I’m sorry that you’re not getting the sort of responses that one would normally receive here, I would take your final judgement with an extra grain of salt.
If he finds those kinds of things funny, so what? As long as he’s listening to it in his own spare time and not shoving it in your face what’s the problem? How does it affect you?